Friday, January 29, 2016

I Know Too Many Mean-Funny People

Someone - If I move to Koala Lumpur I won't have to hear all this bad news all the time.
Me - "Koala"?
Someone - Yeah, where all the koalas live. I want to go there so I can play with the bears.
Me -  Didn't I read something about how they're dying off because of STDs?
Someone - Whatever. I'll just play with the ones Amy Schumer hasn't slept with.

Iowa Prediction Time

My only prediction is that whoever wins the caucuses won't win the presidency. Other than that I think it's kind of funny seeing people say they can see Trump winning really big and also with a chance to get less than 10%. That's how messed up this primary season is.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden

  • Socialism relies on people's innate selfishness more that capitalism.
  • Jack Lemmon only ever played Jack Lemmon.
  • You can never put too much cheese on a cheeseburger (By definition it can't be more than 50% by volume)
  • The Catholic Church will lose more congregants by "changing with the times" and becoming more liberal than being too conservative.
  • Your odds of walking out of a hospital are a lot better if you walked in in the first place.
  • Politicians lie to us because we need to be lied to.
  • If you want to move somewhere to isolate yourself from American society you don't move out to the woods, you move to NYC.
  • Nashville's dead.