- I will admit that I am a total chode.
- I will understand that the "some people" I keep complaining about is now 90% of America.
- I will tell Michelle that when she admitted that she was proud of America for first time just because her husband won the nomination for president, she was being a total bitch.
- Will have testicles reattached after #3.
- I will understand that I can only be arrogant if I've actually accomplished something.
- Will finally get up the courage to tell Rahm to tone it down. Seriously, what a spazz!
- I will finally produce my birth certificate showing where I was born. And boy, will they be surprised!
- I will begin to understand that the value of the dollar is inversely proportional to how much of it I piss away.
- After 2009, I will completely understand when people blow me off if I say, "Let me be clear..."
- Will admit that my real name is Sean Medlock, and that I ran for office with the name Barack Hussein Obama on a dare. I mean, come on, who would vote for a Barack Hussein Obama? That is such a terrorist name!
- I will make most of the U.S. pay a lot more for health insurance while seriously diminishing the quality of their health care. Take that America!
- I will buy Michelle more ammo belts.
- Will get a new cellphone contract. These calls to Venezuela and Iran are killing me!
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 28, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
even if I can't be proud.
At least I'm gonna try
even if I don't know why.
I want someone to blame
cause I'm never gonna be the same.
I'll suffocate in shame
but we're only going down in flames.
Please note: These lyrics have absolutely nothing to do with the present health care "reform" vote.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
"Taekwondo monkeys attack trainer
A troop of performing monkeys instructed in the martial art of taekwondo has taken revenge on their trainer. Lo Wung, 42, taught the monkeys so they could entertain crowds outside a shopping centre in Nshi, in eastern China's Hubei province. But the money-spinning primates turned the tables on their trainer when he slipped during a show, with one quick-thinking monkey flooring him with a kick to the head. Hu Luang, 32, a bystander who photographed the incident, said: "I saw one punch him in the eye - he grabbed another by the ear and it responded by grabbing his nose. They were leaping and jumping all over the place. It was better than a Bruce Lee film." At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head. He only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to stop them running off. Mr Hu said: "He was really furious, he made the monkeys kneel on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs to punish them and make them show remorse for
their nasty attack." "
Track-A-'Crat doesn't just get a hat tip for finding this article, he gets a big 90 degree Obama-esque bow.
"THE PRESIDENT: Hello, everybody. We just had a very productive session about the final stages of healthcare reform in the Senate. And from the discussions we had it’s clear that we are on the precipice of an achievement that’s eluded congresses and presidents for generations — an achievement that will touch the lives of nearly every American."
That's right, he said precipice. As in "Poor Rutiger was hiking the Himalayas when he fell into a precipice and was never seen again." You'll also notice that he said this achievement will touch the lives of nearly every American, as opposed to, let's say, improving the lives of every American. Yikes. I really hope he got that wrong, but if he didn't, I think I've finally got a handle on how to write a speech for Obama. Here are some suggestions for his next speech.
- We are hanging from the precipice, over the jagged rocks of debt relief, and, let me be clear, it is time to let go.
- We will soon be embarking on a journey across the barren desert of a new green economy, and we must leave behind our canteens of doubt.
- We are on a runaway train of progress, heading toward an embankment made of hope.
- With the passing of healthcare reform, we can finally drink deeply from that bowl of strychnine that history provides for us.
- We must leap from this plane of the status quo and not let their parachutes of criticism hold us back.
- The new emission standards will herald a new era, an era which strangles and violates America toward a better tomorrow.
- The policies which I will enact will provide a quagmire of wealth redistribution. A quagmire so deep that our founding fathers would view this achievement with awe.
- Let me also say this: The promotion of human rights cannot be about extortion alone.
- As we drive this nation forward through the darkness of the future, our headlights must be turned off to those who would criticize.
- “I reject the false choice between securing this nation and wasting billions of taxpayer dollars.”
Oh, wait, he really did say that last one. Yikes. Again.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
things were gonna be.
They lied about the things
they wanted from me.
They lied about the reasons
they wanted me at all.
I sit around and lie to myself
about how great things were way back when.
I keep forgetting why I was so willing to believe those lies.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
- We support smaller government. Basically what we have now, except without the Democrats.
- We stand against illegal immigration. Except in the case of really hot señioritas. They go to the front of the line.
- We support cannibalism, for some reason.
- We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation. We especially support nuclear power, because without nuclear accidents, we wouldn't have any superheroes.
- We stand against anyone putting vegetables on barbecue grills. We consider Bobby Flay and everyone at The Food Channel to be enemies of America.
- We stand with any Republican willing to challenge Dick Cheney to a staring contest.
- We oppose legalizing gay marriage because, seriously, how gay would that be?
- We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. In fact, we support victory everywhere. World domination, that's what we're saying here.
- We support containment of Iran and North Korea. No, screw containment. Until we destroy one of these countries in a hailstorm of nuclear hell-fire, no one is going to take us seriously.
- We stand against waterboarding. Just kidding, we support more waterboarding. A lot more waterboarding. I mean a ridiculous amount of waterboarding.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
- How are they not going to release classified information?
- How many times will this be appealed?
- When other terrorists attack in retaliation for holding a public trial of one of their own, will they attack during the trial, after the trial, or will they courteously wait until after the sentencing?
- Will Khalid Sheikh Mohammed have to try on any gloves?
- How much evidence will be thrown out because it was torture induced? A lot or all of it?
- Will waterboarding come up?
- Will Dick Cheney burst into the courtroom and kill all the terrorists with his bare hands?
- Will the defense lawyers use "The Chewbacca Defense"?
- Will they show the Carrie Prejean sex tape even though it has nothing to do with the trial?
- With all of the media attention this will receive, will big Muslim beards and long robes finally supplant the Mad Men skinny tie trend?
- Will Khalid Sheikh Mohammed be forced to reveal his true identity?
- Will the judge wear a shorty robe?
- Will the phrase, "That's what she said!" come up under cross examination?
- Will taxpayers, fed up that they have to pay for lawyer fees and goat rental for these chomos, finally decide that posse justice is the best kind of justice?
Monday, November 16, 2009
On a related topic, I noticed that Verizon or some other phone company is using music from Architecture In Helsinki. I think it's weird that such an obscure band (in the U.S. at least) is being used in an ad campaign, but whatever, they're a nifty band.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Uh oh. Times are tough, but I didn't think they were this bad. It seems that zoos have started looking for alternative sources of food for their animals. Check out the bottom left corner of this picture. And by the way, I didn't get a good picture of the sign on the bottom right, but a word of caution, you need to be very careful around lions or they will urinate on you!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Friday, November 6, 2009
Classy. And better yet, what if Bush had done the same thing? But in fairness to Obama, it's really hard to reprogram a teleprompter.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
A lot is being made of the gubernatorial races in Virginia and New Jersey and also of the 23rd district race in New York, as a Republican sweep would supposedly mean a repudiation of Obama's national agenda and a Democratic sweep would supposedly be an endorsement of it. In concrete terms, these races don't change the dynamics in Washington D.C. and Democrats will still have overwhelming control of the Senate, the House of Representatives and the White House. It more or less means nothing, but I'm still going to try and guess the winners.
In Virginia, the Republican Bob McDonnell has a double digit lead over Democrat Creigh Deeds in most polls, and whether you count Virginia as a red or purple state, it looks like he's won if polls are accurate.
In New Jersey, Republican Chris Christie leads in some polls and incumbent Democrat Jon Corzine leads in others. RealClearPolitics averages out the polls with Christie leading by about 1. A close election in a blue state means the incumbent wins. And considering what a piece of crap Corzine is, this fits in nicely with New Jersey's reputation nation-wide.
It's more complicated in the 23rd House district of New York. It's an open seat in a Republican district. The Republican candidate with the Democratic voting record has dropped out of the race because she lost a lot of support when Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman entered the race. Apparently Republicans want to vote for a conservative, whether there is an (R) next to the name on the ballot or not. Hoffman and the Democratic candidate Bill Owens have swapped the lead over October, but the latest polls have Hoffman ahead in a Republican district, so I'm giving him the win.
* "Gingrichian Nightmare" coined by Allahpundit from Hotair.com. It just made me laugh.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
From Time.com, "The take-no-prisoners turn has come as a surprise to some in the press, considering the largely favorable coverage that candidate Obama received last fall and given the President's vows to lower the rhetorical temperature in Washington and not pay attention to cable hyperbole. Instead, the White House blog now issues regular denunciations of the Administration's critics, including a recent post that announced "Fox lies" and suggested that the cable network was unpatriotic for criticizing Obama's 2016 Olympics effort. White House officials offer no apologies. "The best analogy is probably baseball," says Gibbs. "The only way to get somebody to stop crowding the plate is to throw a fastball at them. They move." "
We haven't had a president this paranoid about the press since Nixon, but since I'm a baseball fan, I'll first point out how stupid Gibbs' analogy is. Even if Fox News is "crowding the plate", we've all seen how the President throws. You can't brush back a batter when they know you throw like a girl. In other words, they won't move. And eventually they'll score. But I think my main problem with Obama being annoyingly concerned with a single news channel, on cable, that doesn't agree with every little thing that he says can be summed up thusly...
Hey Mister President, stop being such a whiney little bitch and do your fucking job!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
postscript: I'm well aware a psychiatrist could interpret all sorts of things from this dream, but I'm more disturbed that I had a dream with Yoko Ono in it and I wasn't bludgeoning her with that Muensterlander for what she did to the Beatles.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
10. His wife was murdered by Charles Manson
9. He's a Holocaust survivor
8. He grew up in the ghetto
7. He was arrested at an International film festival
6. He's 76 years old
5. He's suffered enough, he couldn't even accept his Oscar
4. He's suffered enough, he had to live in Europe
3. He raped her 30 years ago
2. The arrest takes away his freedom
1. It wasn't rape-rape.
Not funny? Here's the joke. These really are statements by people, mostly Hollywood idiots, who are outraged that Polanski was arrested... for drugging and raping a 13 year old and fleeing the country after he was convicted. Here's my favorite quote, "If he weren't famous, I bet no one would bother with him at all." Uh, no, that's not quite accurate. If he weren't famous, he would have served his sentence a long time ago. It's the very fact that he is rich and famous that has let him continue to be a film director in Europe and live in the lap of luxury for the past three decades.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
- The public option will now include free candy!
- Have decided they will NOT be killing anyone's grandparents, except in self-defence.
- In an effort to curb fish-born diseases, Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel will stop sending dead fish to people.
- Ladies get free healthcare on Tuesdays!
- Un-American mobs get a group discount!
- Placebos and suppositories will now be grape-flavored.
- Free mandatory vaccinations for the flu, measles, and outspoken-ness.
- All diseases will be diagnosed with rectal exams. Including gingivitis.
- Government cheese for everyone!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
"Instead of a multicultural tableau of beaming young idealists on screen, we see ugly scenes of mostly older and white malcontents, disrupting forums where others have come to actually learn something. Instead of hope, we get swastikas, death threats and T-shirts proclaiming “Proud Member of the Mob.” "
The first hint that the dead eyes in her skull really do reflect a lack of human life, compassion or intelligence is her idea that to protest, you must be young, multicultural(?) and idealist. No one told our Founding Fathers that they couldn't protest British oppression because they weren't multicultural enough. Heck, no one told Martin Luther King that that he was over the age limit, but oh well. I also enjoy the idealist part, because realists concerned with spending money that we don't have are such bring-downs. Second hint? Her (adorable!) belief, that anyone listening to a politician's speech is somehow learning something useful, is astounding. She's not only dead inside, but she's dead to everything around her. Especially when she ignores the fact that her "idealists" use swastikas, death threats and t-shirts. And if you want to learn something about a bill being written you should listen to the people writing the bill, not some senator. Most of them haven't read the legislation, and most of them never will. The third hint we get that something is wrong with Lil Mo is her "clinging" to the word "hope". She may be the last person in America who doesn't realize that Hope and Change were part of an ad campaign, and that she's still a sucker for buying into it. In a way, that too is adorable, but it's also sad, really sad. Especially for someone mostly older and White.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Monday, August 10, 2009
"The scary thing is now Democrats can NOT afford to lose on healthcare. After having called more than half the nation Nazis and anti-American, if Democrats lose, they will have literally lost to Hitler.
You can’t come back from that. If they lose, expect them not to lose with grace.
amkun on August 11, 2009 at 12:40 AM"
It's both funny and fitting at the same time, but for some reason still makes me really sad.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Friday, July 31, 2009
- Rotten office fridge cleanup sends 7 to hospital
- Pet doors may pose danger to curious children
- Monkeys ponder what could have been, researchers say
- Shoppers, unite! Carrot mobs are cooler than boycotts
- Ice cream maker flies in Italian tenor to sing to cows
- U.S. defense chief praises soldier in pink boxers, flip-flops
- Michelle Obama says White House life is great boon to family
- Genetically engineered monkeys pass green glow to offspring
- Mo. Burger King refuses to serve baby without shoes
- General Motors has to focus on its cars to boost sales
- Blagojevich calls wife's tarantula-eating an 'act of love'
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
People are always complaining about insomnia and spending a lot of money treating it, but no one ever talks about the good things about insomnia. such as...
- I sleep so soundly when I finally do fall asleep that I'm not really bothered when I wake up with blood on my hands.
- You sound clever when you say,"It's not insomnia, it's sleep sobriety."
- I'm less inhibited at night. With no one around to judge me, I'm free from oppressive social norms, which allows me to be myself. And to break into people's cars and steal stereos.
- Those bags under my eyes make me look more experienced.
- People don't bother you in the morning when you have blood shot eyes and you're on your tenth cup of coffee in five minutes.
- You get to meet a lot of interesting people when you shop at Walmart at 2am.
- I can make jokes about how the govmint implanted a chip in my head that won't allow me to sleep, and look like I mean it.
- Babbling incoherently can be blamed on insomnia, whether you had enough sleep or not.
- A lack of sleep makes even the most inane joke really funny.
- What?! Like you sleepers are so special?!
- Soak the smoked monkey meat in water, then rinse and drain it.
- Fry tomatoes, onions and chile pepper in hot palm oil.
- Add tomato paste and the monkey meat.
- Simmer until all is tender.
- Season with salt and pepper.
- (Recipe from congocookbook.com)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Monday, July 6, 2009
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
- His veins were filled with Jesus juice.
- LA County used the same film crew from "Alien Autopsy"
- He was not "anatomically correct".
- The coroner kept screaming,"What the hell is this!?"
- He had two tatoos, "Neverland Forever" and "NY Mets Suck"
- A previous surgery had replaced all his bones with graham crackers.
- He had, like, six nipples!
- He was not made of candy like he told those children.
- His Jheri Curl levels were dangerously low.
- The bottom of his feet were coated with Teflon for moon-walking.
- Kind of creepy the way he would say "HEEHEE!" every time you poked him.
- Did not have a surgically implanted kangaroo pouch as reported in the Enquirer and Washington Post.
- Had knife and gunshot wounds from when he was bangin' back in the day.
- They found his other glove.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
- Gangmembers could shoot more accurately if they didn't hold their guns sideways.
- Rhode Island is an...ISLAND! Really. Sort of.
- Beach balls aren't just for the beach!
- Since we have two eyes to see in stereo, and two ears to hear in stereo, doesn't having two nostrils mean we should smell in stereo?
- Obesity is increasing because less people are smoking.
- I really, really want a tranquilizer-dart gun.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
- She holds stock in Waterboard Inc.
- She enjoys the soothing sound of water cascading... and the sound of screaming!
- She thought they said waterbreading.
- She's trying to hide the fact that that wasn't really water they were using.
- There are pictures of her pointing at a guy's junk.
- She had skipped out that day for a spring-training game.
- She's actually one of the X-Men. Main superpower... waterboarding!
- She was more concerned with quietly opening a bag of chips during the briefing.
- Doesn't want people to know that waterboarding really works, and that she uses it on her interns every night.
- She's hiding the fact that terrorists were only soaked in water so they could be fed to the rancor.
- Anthropologists have discovered that in her language, lying and telling the truth are the same word.
- She didn't know she was going to be tested on all this stuff later.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
I think it would be hilarious if someone hacked into the president's teleprompter and inserted the phrase, "No Dave, I don't like rutabagas." I think it would be funny but then, I'm easily amused.
The police caught me twittering while operating my lawnmower. He probably would have let me go with a warning if I had been wearing pants.
It's almost 2:30AM and they are airing Rambo First Blood. The people who are up at 2:30 in the morning probably don't need an instructional film on flipping out and blowing up a small town.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
- I have a million uses for chloroform!
- Dick Cheney runs on batteries!
- Pants are almost never optional.
- The Long Island Railroad has been disgusting every time I've ridden it.
- I learned twitter-speak from those little candy hearts. And Prince.
- The sun causes 100% of global-warming.