Wednesday, December 30, 2009

This Year Let Me Be Clear

Knowing how perfect the media thinks Barack Obama is, this must seem like blasphemy, but it's that time of year again! Time for Barack Hussein Obama's New Year's resolutions!
  1. I will admit that I am a total chode.
  2. I will understand that the "some people" I keep complaining about is now 90% of America.
  3. I will tell Michelle that when she admitted that she was proud of America for first time just because her husband won the nomination for president, she was being a total bitch.
  4. Will have testicles reattached after #3.
  5. I will understand that I can only be arrogant if I've actually accomplished something.
  6. Will finally get up the courage to tell Rahm to tone it down. Seriously, what a spazz!
  7. I will finally produce my birth certificate showing where I was born. And boy, will they be surprised!
  8. I will begin to understand that the value of the dollar is inversely proportional to how much of it I piss away.
  9. After 2009, I will completely understand when people blow me off if I say, "Let me be clear..."
  10. Will admit that my real name is Sean Medlock, and that I ran for office with the name Barack Hussein Obama on a dare. I mean, come on, who would vote for a Barack Hussein Obama? That is such a terrorist name!
  11. I will make most of the U.S. pay a lot more for health insurance while seriously diminishing the quality of their health care. Take that America!
  12. I will buy Michelle more ammo belts.
  13. Will get a new cellphone contract. These calls to Venezuela and Iran are killing me!

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Buck Stops Here, Right After Pilates

Wow, Obama has sternly called for the immediate release of all who have been unjustly detained within Iran from Hawaii. I'm sure he was being taken very seriously by the Iranian leadership, especially since he said this from the furthest possible place he could be from Iran, and on vacation. And also because they've been ignoring him for most of his presidency. Obama, between rounds of golf and going to the gym, also "promised to stand behind Iranians during the "extraordinary events," saying that he was "confident that history will be on the side of those who seek justice." " That's so nice to hear! And just in time too! No, maybe not "just in time", maybe months too late. Like maybe this would have been slightly useful in June, when serious protests first flared up. Maybe it would have been slightly useful to have maintained diplomatic pressure for months and then supported the Iranians who were protesting before their elections re-elected the same individuals who are cracking down on those who as Obama now says, "have sought nothing more than to exercise their rights". Maybe months ago when he still had political capital and international credibility this would have been useful. But now, especially since this wasn't a policy speech, but more of a weekend-y wrapup speech (which also included his comments on the Christmas day terrorist plane plot where he also vaguely threatened people), it just looks like more empty words.

You People Should Be Ashamed Of Yourselves!

So tell me America, if that is your real name, did you really think you were going to get away with it? Bribing U.S. congressmen just to get some cash funnelled your way?! Getting a nice big pork pie for your state, huh? Don't try denying it, we've got a papertrail a mile long. You think we don't know you hired these people? You think we don't know everything? Shame on you! And using these poor defenseless little middlemen like Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi to do your dirty work! That is low. Did you think we weren't gonna figure out that they're not smart enough to hatch a scheme this big? I mean, they still have to have mittens pinned to their sweaters when they go off to work. Choosing rubes like this to do your dirty work, it's's like you were trying to get caught! Nice job, America, real nice. I hope you realize how much trouble you're in, cuz it's the Big House you're gonna get! That's right, the Graybar Hotel, the Stoney Lonesome, the slammer, Stripe City, baby! Now, come on, come on now, stop your crying. Maybe we can work something out. Maybe you keep your mouth shut, got that? Maybe you don't complain when you get that tax bill this year. Or next year either, right? And it wouldn't hurt if you throw a few bucks into some re-election campaigns, see? Maybe we can make all this go away if you help out some of those poor Democrats you were so mean to this summer. They're the real victims here, you realize that, don't you? All you people who show up, yelling at them, calling them crooks, saying that they wasted your money. You've got some nerve! Do you know how bad that makes'em feel? And what's worse, you threaten to take away their jobs?! That now you're not going to vote for them, huh?! As if they are the ones who did something wrong! Sheesh! After all, it's not bribery if you use someone else's money, right? Now get outta here! I can't stand the sight of yous! And don't let me hear about anyone losing control of Congress in November, or I'll be back! And, boy, will you be sorry!

The Duct-Tape Is To Keep My Brains From Falling Out

Real Clear Politics carelessly provides this quote from Barack Obama, knowing full well that it will result in aneurysms, conniptions and general head explosions for people who hear it and try to grasp the exact moment when reality imploded on itself. Here is the quote.

"In the long run we can't continue to spend as if deficits don't have consequences, as if waste doesn't matter, as if the hard earned tax dollars of the American people can be treated like monopoly money, that's what we've seen time and time again, Washington has become more concerned about the next election than the next generation."

Let me be clear (that's right, I can do it to!), this is the same president who looked at George Bush's Budget Busting Bailout of the Banks and said, "Pfftt, you call that bankruptcy?", and then unleashed his "stimulus" package to the tune of $787 billion. This is the guy who looked at George Bush's increase of our national debt over his eight years as president by $5 trillion and said, "I don't understand the value of money," and then decided to drive up the budget deficit by $1 trillion, in only one year! Let's also not forget that a substantial portion of the "stimulus" will be payed out right before the next election, (but that's just a coincidence). This Ken-doll of a president actually has such a lack of awareness that he says this even though there are rumors of another stimulus bill on the horizon (because the first stimulus doesn't seem to have worked). This quote alone makes me wonder if presidential elections have an opt-out clause. But the forefathers of this nation thought of everything to try to make us stonger, including making us live with our mistakes. It's right there in the Constitution, spelled out for all to see, "NO BACKSIES".

The Party Of The Confederacy

Chris Matthews (a real person!) of MSNBC (not a real news network) calls the Republican party the party of the Confederacy because a member of the Democratic party, Parker Griffith of Alabama, switched parties to the Republican party. See, he's from a southern state, you know what that means, right? I guess the Democrats weren't the party of Confederacy when Congressman Griffith was still a Democrat. And I guess the Democrats weren't the party of the Confederacy when they let former member of the Ku Klux Klan, Senator Robert Byrd, cast the 60th vote for their health care "reform" bill. But who can blame Chris Matthews for having such steely logic? With an IQ of almost 85, he may be the smartest person at MSNBC.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Random Lyrics? You Better Believe It Mister

I've gotta double down
even if I can't be proud.

At least I'm gonna try
even if I don't know why.

I want someone to blame
cause I'm never gonna be the same.

I'll suffocate in shame
but we're only going down in flames.

Please note: These lyrics have absolutely nothing to do with the present health care "reform" vote.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Monkey...Has Become The Master!

Track-A-'Crat calls the title of this article the Best. Headline. Ever. Sorry, that title goes to this one. But in my opinion, it is the awesomest news article ever written... evah! It has everything that both civilized and uncivilized man considers awesome; monkeys, martial arts, monkey shenanigans, the student-becoming-the-master story (except in this case, the student is a monkey!), and finally, the master reasserting his badass dominance with swift, harsh monkey justice. It even mentions Bruce Lee! If the article had mentioned philly cheesesteaks, watermelon Jolly Ranchers, and an Alfa Romeo in a Steve McQueen car chase, I would have passed out. And then when I came to, I would have had the inevitable existential quandary of why I should go on living, knowing that that level of awesomeness would never be achieved again. Ever. Here is the article, with its accompanying picture(awesome!), in all its awesome glory.

"Taekwondo monkeys attack trainer
A troop of performing monkeys instructed in the martial art of taekwondo has taken revenge on their trainer. Lo Wung, 42, taught the monkeys so they could entertain crowds outside a shopping centre in Nshi, in eastern China's Hubei province. But the money-spinning primates turned the tables on their trainer when he slipped during a show, with one quick-thinking monkey flooring him with a kick to the head. Hu Luang, 32, a bystander who photographed the incident, said: "I saw one punch him in the eye - he grabbed another by the ear and it responded by grabbing his nose. They were leaping and jumping all over the place. It was better than a Bruce Lee film." At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head. He only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to stop them running off. Mr Hu said: "He was really furious, he made the monkeys kneel on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs to punish them and make them show remorse for
their nasty attack." "

Track-A-'Crat doesn't just get a hat tip for finding this article, he gets a big 90 degree Obama-esque bow.

Let Me Be Clear...

The president is having trouble with his second language again. Here's a quote from

"THE PRESIDENT: Hello, everybody. We just had a very productive session about the final stages of healthcare reform in the Senate. And from the discussions we had it’s clear that we are on the precipice of an achievement that’s eluded congresses and presidents for generations — an achievement that will touch the lives of nearly every American."

That's right, he said precipice. As in "Poor Rutiger was hiking the Himalayas when he fell into a precipice and was never seen again." You'll also notice that he said this achievement will touch the lives of nearly every American, as opposed to, let's say, improving the lives of every American. Yikes. I really hope he got that wrong, but if he didn't, I think I've finally got a handle on how to write a speech for Obama. Here are some suggestions for his next speech.
  • We are hanging from the precipice, over the jagged rocks of debt relief, and, let me be clear, it is time to let go.
  • We will soon be embarking on a journey across the barren desert of a new green economy, and we must leave behind our canteens of doubt.
  • We are on a runaway train of progress, heading toward an embankment made of hope.
  • With the passing of healthcare reform, we can finally drink deeply from that bowl of strychnine that history provides for us.
  • We must leap from this plane of the status quo and not let their parachutes of criticism hold us back.
  • The new emission standards will herald a new era, an era which strangles and violates America toward a better tomorrow.
  • The policies which I will enact will provide a quagmire of wealth redistribution. A quagmire so deep that our founding fathers would view this achievement with awe.
  • Let me also say this: The promotion of human rights cannot be about extortion alone.
  • As we drive this nation forward through the darkness of the future, our headlights must be turned off to those who would criticize.
  • “I reject the false choice between securing this nation and wasting billions of taxpayer dollars.”

Oh, wait, he really did say that last one. Yikes. Again.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

What Goes With Shrimp Tacos?

If anyone sees Obama today, ask him to show you his Nobel Peace Prize. Oh, and also ask him if he ordered the hot sauce to go with his tacos.

Monday, December 7, 2009

It's Not A Lie If Everyone Believes It

If anyone is confused about whether global warming is a hoax, consider these graphs. The first one is what climate scientists used to agree on, way, way back in 1990.

And this graph is what they turned the above into. The same data is used, only more creatively.

You'll notice the Medieval Warm Period is gone in the new graph, as well as the Little Ice Age, despite the fact that we know these historical events occurred. How did they do this? Read here. It's hard to believe that a scam this obvious hasn't been exposed sooner, especially in the scientific community. Climate scientists and global warming propagandists like to say that the science is settled, but the fact that this lasted this long makes the "science" a bit unsettling.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Random Lyrics? Yeah, OK, Whatever

They lied about the way
things were gonna be.

They lied about the things
they wanted from me.

They lied about the reasons
they wanted me at all.

And now

I sit around and lie to myself
about how great things were way back when.
I keep forgetting why I was so willing to believe those lies.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Sunday, November 29, 2009

I Am Such A Nice Brother

Recently, I learned that when you go to the doctor because of stomach pains, one of the first questions they ask guys is whether your nuts hurt. I'm not kidding. It turns out that if you have abdominal pain, where else you have pain can help in the diagnosis, and if you have an infection, you can actually feel pain in other parts of your body besides the abdomen, like down your legs, or in one or the other of your nuts. Since this didn't happen to me, I find it hilarious. In fact, I sent a certain someone a sort of get-well e-card. This is the picture I included.
And in case you didn't know, laughter is not the best medicine for abdominal infections. Which makes me kind of evil for sending this.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Who Doesn't Wuv Obama?

Hmmm, this is kind of funny if it's true. The following is from Us Weekly magazine. It seems that Anglina Jolie doesn't care much for Barack Obama.

"She hates him," a source close to the U.N. goodwill ambassador, 34, tells the new issue of Us Weekly. "She's into education and rehabilitation and thinks Obama is all about welfare and handouts. She thinks Obama is really a socialist in disguise," adds the source. But don't expect to see the Salt actress rally against Democrats on Fox News like her staunch Republican father, Jon Voight. "Angie isn't Republican, but she thinks Obama is all smoke and mirrors," the source says. And those political views are putting her at odds with Brad Pitt, 45, who is a big fan of the president and even went solo to the 2008 election party in Chicago. "They get in nasty arguments all the time about it," says the source. "She doesn't respect Brad when it comes to politics, but, in the end, this won't tear them apart."
I remember something last year where Roseanne or some other Liberal celebutard was upset with the Jolies because they wouldn't endorse Obama for President. Now we may know why. It seems that just because you work in Hollywood, that doesn't mean you have to be a complete moron. I mean as long as you have a hot body to go with it.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Heil Truthühner!

Once again, our lovely President is having difficulties greeting foreign dignitaries. Well, not really foreign, more like domestic. And not really domestic, more like domesticated. And with all the different cultures around the world and the President wanting to kowtow to all of them, maybe we should forgive Obama for getting mixed up once in a while. I mean, what would you do if you were asked to greet a White House visitor who was the product of genetic programs intended to breed an all White race? Wouldn't you give that visitor a Nazi salute? Well, maybe not after you saw that it was a turkey. It's hard to figure out what the President was thinking here, but after his Asia trip, you can bet that there was no way he was going to bow.

Monday, November 23, 2009

I Find Your Lack Of Faith Disturbing

Some Republicans are floating the idea that we need a test or oath to see if politicians are real Republicans. If they fail, they won't be eligible for RNC funds to help get them elected. But you only need to score 8 out of 10 and the questions are kind of wishy-washy. If Allahpundit can score an 80%, then obviously we need a new test. Here is my new oath/test.

  1. We support smaller government. Basically what we have now, except without the Democrats.
  2. We stand against illegal immigration. Except in the case of really hot señioritas. They go to the front of the line.
  3. We support cannibalism, for some reason.

  4. We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation. We especially support nuclear power, because without nuclear accidents, we wouldn't have any superheroes.
  5. We stand against anyone putting vegetables on barbecue grills. We consider Bobby Flay and everyone at The Food Channel to be enemies of America.
  6. We stand with any Republican willing to challenge Dick Cheney to a staring contest.
  7. We oppose legalizing gay marriage because, seriously, how gay would that be?
  8. We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan. In fact, we support victory everywhere. World domination, that's what we're saying here.
  9. We support containment of Iran and North Korea. No, screw containment. Until we destroy one of these countries in a hailstorm of nuclear hell-fire, no one is going to take us seriously.
  10. We stand against waterboarding. Just kidding, we support more waterboarding. A lot more waterboarding. I mean a ridiculous amount of waterboarding.

The Obama Award Tally, So Far...

By now, most people know that Barack Hussein Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace prize for what can best be described you say...doing nothing? But did you know he has a Grammy award? That's right, and while he may not have written his own autobiography (seriously, who would write their own autobiography, anyway?), he did apparently read it out loud, and for that he was given an award. No wait, he's written two books, so obviously he would need an award for each book (and yes, he really does have two Grammies). But here's the one that amuses me the most. He was awarded a Black belt in Tae Kwon Do. Obama's counterpart in South Korea, Lee Myung-bak, who practices Tae Kwon Do, gave him an outfit. And a Black belt. It makes you wonder why the South Korean President wouldn't have given him a novice-level belt, but maybe Obama's reputation for getting things without earning them has made it to the Far East. Or maybe it's his well-known ultrasensitivity to perceived slights. You would think that earning a Black belt would require years of study and that it would be inappropriate to avail a discipline with cultural symbolism to diplomatic photo-ops and glad-handing. Nope. So to recap, Obama has a Nobel prize, two Grammies, a Black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and...let's see, what was that other thing? That other thing that he won that he clearly wasn't qualified for...


Saturday, November 21, 2009

Random Lyrics, For No Reason At All!

We're ordinary people
close but not the worst,
but I think you know.

were all the lonely people
alone but not at first?
But I think you know.

Sometimes we don't have a life

Sometimes we don't have a life

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Can A Brother Get Some Menthols?

"Obama and Congress increased taxes on tobacco products earlier this year to pay for expanded children's health insurance, but tobacco for roll-your-own cigarettes saw a disproportionate leap, from $1.10 to $24.78 a pound." This pisses me off, and I don't even smoke! That's more than a 2000% increase! And why on earth are we using taxes on cigarettes to pay for "children's healthcare" (That's in quotes, because like other nobly named legislation, the money is probably being used for other less noble purposes)? If people stop smoking won't the poor "children" get screwed? It's legal to smoke cigarettes, it's legal to grow tobacco, but unfortunately it's also legal to bankrupt farmers engaged in growing a legal product if you've sleazed your way into a job as a Senator or a Representative. Oh by the way, flavored cigarettes were also banned this year by the Obama administration. Well, all but one flavor that is, menthol cigarettes. I wonder what type of cigarette Obama smokes?

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Why Would Bill Belichick Spit In The Wind?

Sometimes when you over-think things (because you're smart!), you end up doing something stupid. It's mid-week now, and sports fans and pundits are still talking about Bill Belichick blowing the game by going on fourth down and handing the game to Peyton Manning and the Colts. For you non-football types, going on fourth down on your own side of the field is akin to suicide. It's so foolish, it's practically a rule. But that's what's so crazy about it. A three time Superbowl-winning coach made a mistake that high school coaches wouldn't even make. Heck, you don't even do that on a videogame unless you're screwing around. But then Belichick must not be a music fan or he would have remembered that song. I think it was Jim Croce who once sang, "You don't tug on Superman's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the mask of that old Lone Ranger, and you don't go on fourth down, on your own 28 yard line, with the lead, with 2 minutes to go on the clock and with the other team only having one timeout." See! It's even in a song! Of course, there could be an even shadier reason why Belichick went on fourth down, remembering that he's already been caught cheating (videotaping and stealing plays from other teams). Maybe he thought he was going to be clever and be the hero with some insider-knowledge of the other team, but Indianapolis was on to him. That would be just pudding for someone who is a little too smart to play by the rules.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

It's A Sham Trial, For Justice!

This could end in any number of horrible ways, but Eric Holder, Obama's attorney general and noted race-baiter, has decided that he is going to hold the trial of the 9/11 conspirators in civilian court. He has already implied that he will get a conviction, which makes this sound like a sham trial, but honestly, anything less than the death penalty will make Holder and Obama look even more naive and incompetent than they were when they decided against using military tribunals to try these terrorists. The trial looks like it will last a very long time, especially when you consider that it could be appealed all the way to the Supreme Court. If this starts to look bad for the Obama administration, the first one to be thrown overboard will be Eric Holder. But I still have some other questions.

  • How are they not going to release classified information?

  • How many times will this be appealed?

  • When other terrorists attack in retaliation for holding a public trial of one of their own, will they attack during the trial, after the trial, or will they courteously wait until after the sentencing?

  • Will Khalid Sheikh Mohammed have to try on any gloves?

  • How much evidence will be thrown out because it was torture induced? A lot or all of it?

  • Will waterboarding come up?

  • Will Dick Cheney burst into the courtroom and kill all the terrorists with his bare hands?

  • Will the defense lawyers use "The Chewbacca Defense"?

  • Will they show the Carrie Prejean sex tape even though it has nothing to do with the trial?

  • With all of the media attention this will receive, will big Muslim beards and long robes finally supplant the Mad Men skinny tie trend?

  • Will Khalid Sheikh Mohammed be forced to reveal his true identity?

  • Will the judge wear a shorty robe?

  • Will the phrase, "That's what she said!" come up under cross examination?

  • Will taxpayers, fed up that they have to pay for lawyer fees and goat rental for these chomos, finally decide that posse justice is the best kind of justice?


I sure hope that Barack Obama isn't delaying adding more troops in Afghanistan until after he gets his Nobel Peace prize. It's one thing to caricature the President as a naive egomaniacal buffoon, but for it to be true...

Monday, November 16, 2009

Do The Vampire!

One of my favorite albums is Head Trip In Every Key by Superdrag. I don't know what it is about this album, but it's like comfort food for my ears. I go through these phases where I'll listen to maybe all the Beatles records in a row, maybe listening to Sgt. Pepper's or Abbey Road more than once, and then move on to some other band, then listen to all of their records. But I seem to come back to Head Trip In Every Key over and over again, without ever getting tired of it. I know it's a lame way of saying it, because right now I'm suffering from writer's block,(or is that blogger's block?) but I like this album.

On a related topic, I noticed that Verizon or some other phone company is using music from Architecture In Helsinki. I think it's weird that such an obscure band (in the U.S. at least) is being used in an ad campaign, but whatever, they're a nifty band.

Terrorist Sympathizer Calls Americans Un-American

Representative Jim Moran (D-VA) is a special kind of idiot. Jim Moran refers to anyone who disagrees with Obama's decision to try the 9/11 conspirators in civilian courts rather than in military tribunals "un-American". I guess some people might be upset that the terrorists are going to receive the same rights in court as New Yorkers, the same New Yorkers that the terrorists were trying to destroy. Can't you just see the irony! No wait, not "irony", that should be "middle finger". Now, we've seen this kind of willful stupidity before, especially during the summer when the Tea Party movement was in full swing, but that was regarding a policy disagreement on whether we need to nationalize health insurance (and necessarily, health care) in this country. That name-calling was ridiculously petty, but Jim Moran's comments are a little different. The trial is for a group of people who have already attacked our country. We've been holding them to gain information about terrorists, and when they were no longer useful, they would get a trial in front of a military tribunal, because they are war criminals. This is long awaited justice that Jim Moran could have been championing for years, but instead has chosen to devote his energy to a much worse option, politicising their detention at Guantanamo Bay while trying to shut down the prison, bringing the terrorists to New York City to hold a show trial, and insulting those who disagree him, especially those who have lost loved-ones because of these specific terrorists. I disagree with him, of course, but li'l ol' un-American that I be, I think we need another option. What we need is for Jim Moran to go away. We can't let the world see that members of our own government care more about the rights of terrorists (the real un-Americans) than they do about actual Americans. He needs to be shunned by society. With no one left to help him in his life, eventually he'll step in front of a car, stick his tongue in an electrical socket, or forget to close his mouth in the shower. However it happens, the world will be a better place. And "until we do that, it only strengthens the hand of people who recruit new terrorists with the claim we aren't true to our principles."

Friday, November 13, 2009

How Big Of A Nerd Am I?

Here's a photo of Thaddeus McCotter, a member of the U.S. House of Representatives and frequent Redeye guest. Now aside from the fact that he's playing a Telecaster (wanker), notice anything else? He's wearing a jacket that was only available at the beginning of the (First) Iraq War. How do I know? His jacket is reversible, and the interior, the green grid pattern, was meant to fool night vision technology of the time. It didn't work very well and was scrapped very quickly. But now you know...completely worthless information.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Guess Who's On The Menu!

Uh oh. Times are tough, but I didn't think they were this bad. It seems that zoos have started looking for alternative sources of food for their animals. Check out the bottom left corner of this picture. And by the way, I didn't get a good picture of the sign on the bottom right, but a word of caution, you need to be very careful around lions or they will urinate on you!

The Post Where I Cheapshot The President

D.C. Based Muslim Prays for ‘Recovery of Dr. Nidal Malik Hasan’ on FaceBook, and it's not even Barack Obama!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Rope Would've Been Cheaper

The D.C. sniper John Allen Muhammad has been executed today in Virginia. "He is absolutely unafraid and he will die with dignity — dignity to the point of defiance," his lawyer said before his painless execution, the irony being that the innocent people he killed did not die with dignity, but instead died horribly painful bleeding deaths. Unfortunately for his victims, he died through lethal injection rather than the method I would have chosen for him, a pick-axe to the forehead. But that's what our judicial system calls justice, I guess. I don't call it that because he basically received the same end of life treatment that you would have given to a terminally ill cancer patient in a euthanasia case, and I don't equate a patient trying to alleviate pain with what Muhammad has done. But apparently, our judicial system does.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Random Lyrics Time? You Bet!

"We go dancing nightly in the attic

While the moon is rising in the sky

If I'm too rough tell me

I'm so scared your little head will come off in my hands"

It's Like He's Trying To Do The Wrong Thing

What do you do when there's a national emergency, like say, oh I don't know, a terrorist attack on American soldiers, and you're the Commander In Chief? How about tacking on some comments about the mass murder after your opening spiel and after you give a "shout-out".

Classy. And better yet, what if Bush had done the same thing? But in fairness to Obama, it's really hard to reprogram a teleprompter.

Why Is Anderson Cooper Such A Pedophile?

I guess the term "teabagger" has taken hold in our unbiased non-state-run mainstream media. Keep in mind, these aren't leftwing nutbag bloggers spouting off at the "evil" Republicans, but genuine bonafide news organizations. Fox News isn't using the term, but as Barack Obama keeps telling us, they're not a news organization. I'm not sure why the media has decided to attach this particular term to Tea Partiers, but they do appear to be sticking it to the people who don't agree with the Democratic Party platform. These Tea Party people need to be punished, with ridicule, and the media is certainly trying to force their characterization of them on the American people. Can you imagine how silly Jon Stewart of The Daily Show felt when he found out that CNN and MSNBC had already used the term before he did on his news satire show. He was beaten to a lame joke by real news organizations, which I guess is part of their jobs now. I believe Anderson Cooper was the first of the journalistic giants to use the word, and he must be tremendously proud. Being a humble blogger, I can't hope to live up to the high standards of journalism that the likes of CNN, The New York Times, The Washington Post, or even The Providence Journal can attain by turning their collective forces on some unsuspecting dissenters. That kind of integrity takes years to build, and using a crude sexual term must just add another brick to that already strong foundation. But for myself, I would like to presumptuously coin or "reassign" a word to more accurately describe these unconditional supporters of Barack Obama, pedophiles. Now before you pedophiles get all upset at me for using that term, think about it. You love Obama, but in the world of politics, Obama is basically a child. John McCain spent more time in a POW camp than Obama has spent as a politician. Obama was running for President when he only had two years on the job as Senator. And when you look at the amateurish way that Obama has been trying to foist his socialist policies on the American people, it's almost as if he was born yesterday. It makes more sense to call Chris Matthews(a real person) of MSNBC(not a real network) a pedophile than to call people concerned by proposed government programs "teabaggers". Have you seen the way Chris Matthews talks about Obama. Have you heard Matthews tell his viewers how Obama's speeches makes him "tingle"? Creepy. And he's certainly not the only one. Is Anderson Cooper's use of the word "teabagger" a sign of his derision toward those who disagree with this President, or a Freudian slip his President? Frankly, it's hard to imagine anyone at CNN, or MSNBC for that matter, who isn't a pedophile. And once again, I'm not saying these media people have sex with children, I'm just saying they journalism.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

This Is Where I Took My Dog When He Broke

In Obama Math, One For Three Means I Won

I did worse on my election predictions last night than I did on my football pool this week. I got Virginia right, but both NY-23 and New Jersey were wrong. You would think that one for three would be bad, but according to Nancy Pelosi, I won.

Monday, November 2, 2009

A Gingrichian Nightmare* Or How To Beat The Spread And Love The Bomb

I have this vague rule of thumb when it comes to election predictions. If you are a Republican challenger in a blue state, you have to be ahead by about 10 points in the poll immediately preceding the election to beat a Democratic incumbent. If you are a Republican challenging a Democrat for an open seat in a blue state then you have to be ahead by about 6 points. If you are a Republican in a red state challenging a Democratic incumbent, then you need a lead of about 4-6 points to take the seat. The same applies for Democrats challenging Republicans. This rule of thumb relies on cynicism and the fact that voters seem to change their minds on the day of the election. Incumbents are hard to beat.

A lot is being made of the gubernatorial races in Virginia and New Jersey and also of the 23rd district race in New York, as a Republican sweep would supposedly mean a repudiation of Obama's national agenda and a Democratic sweep would supposedly be an endorsement of it. In concrete terms, these races don't change the dynamics in Washington D.C. and Democrats will still have overwhelming control of the Senate, the House of Representatives and the White House. It more or less means nothing, but I'm still going to try and guess the winners.

In Virginia, the Republican Bob McDonnell has a double digit lead over Democrat Creigh Deeds in most polls, and whether you count Virginia as a red or purple state, it looks like he's won if polls are accurate.

In New Jersey, Republican Chris Christie leads in some polls and incumbent Democrat Jon Corzine leads in others. RealClearPolitics averages out the polls with Christie leading by about 1. A close election in a blue state means the incumbent wins. And considering what a piece of crap Corzine is, this fits in nicely with New Jersey's reputation nation-wide.

It's more complicated in the 23rd House district of New York. It's an open seat in a Republican district. The Republican candidate with the Democratic voting record has dropped out of the race because she lost a lot of support when Conservative Party candidate Doug Hoffman entered the race. Apparently Republicans want to vote for a conservative, whether there is an (R) next to the name on the ballot or not. Hoffman and the Democratic candidate Bill Owens have swapped the lead over October, but the latest polls have Hoffman ahead in a Republican district, so I'm giving him the win.

* "Gingrichian Nightmare" coined by Allahpundit from It just made me laugh.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Hey Lawyers, Obama Wuvs You Back!

Obama signed a hate crimes bill into law wednesday. Well actually it was a defense budget with the hate crimes bill tacked on but that shouldn't be pointed out since this is the most transparent administration evah! The smart fellas at Stop The ACLU point out that this hate crimes bill may be a way around the constitution in that you could be tried twice for the same crime, once on the state level, where you could be found innocent, and then again on the federal level, regardless as to what the state ruled. Go read this and this, because as per usual, Stop The ACLU write excellent articles. But unfortunately, these aren't the type of issues Obama is concerned with. Obama is all about Obama, and since Obama is a lawyer, Obama is all about the lawyers. As Stop The ACLU points out, lawyers will make a killing prosecuting the same crime twice. We can't even get tort reform passed in the ObamaCare bill because then lawyers wouldn't be able to make mad cash from other people's suffering (and then donate it to the Dems whom they love). And for those of you touting Obama courageously standing up for gays or transgenders, ask yourself why Obama didn't champion this part of the bill the way he has for healthcare, or why this is hidden in a defense appropriations bill in the first place. Obama supports those that can benefit his administration right now and right now the only group that Obama seems to uncompromisingly support are lawyers.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

There's A Zombie! In The White House!

I'm only going to say this once, Rahm Emanuel is a zombie! That's right, a zombie...oh wait that's twice. Anyway, it is kind of obvious when you think about it. Those sunken dead eyes. The Tourette's-like profanity with no regard for human norms. His support for the Democratic Party platform. Do you really think he is sending dead fish to people because he is trying to scare them? No, it's because, as a zombie, he can only eat the flesh of his own kind! Fish, or for that matter any food not harvested from human beings, are absolutely useless to him. He can't even eat bacon if you can believe that. Of course you may be asking yourself, "How, in this modern era, can anyone become a zombie. Don't you have to be bitten by a zombie to become a zombie?" I asked myself the same question, until I noticed something in a photo of Rahm Emanuel, a missing finger! That's not Photoshopped people! Obviously, it's been bitten clean off! Now, we all know that Democrats have a penchant for biting other peoples' fingers off, but now we know why... they can't stop themselves! They're zombies! But the real question is who bit off Rahm's finger and gave him his horrible blood lust for human flesh? Who......?

That's right, Barry Obama. Here's a photo of Barry finishing off one of the journalists from Fox News. Obama has recently been working overtime trying to discredit Fox News, because he knows that if he discredits them, people will stop watching them and he can harvest their tasty carcasses without anyone noticing. As near as we can tell, Barry became a zombie as part of his voodoo religion in Kenya, his real birthplace. When asked for comment Obama was quoted as saying, "I Eat U Bones! Mmmm, U Deeelishus!"

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Sunny Side of Kurt Cobain

This is the Quote of the Day at the top of my google email account- Kurt Cobain - "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." Awww, that's what Dr. Phil would say! I'm not sure about the validity of this quote, because to me it sounds downright cheerful for someone who wrote about self-loathing, self-medication and killing himself in almost every one of his songs. Oh, and also for someone who gave himself a lethal dose of heroin and blew his brains out with a shotgun, on his second suicide attempt. Maybe the quote was really,"Wanting to be someone is like wasting the person you are." Either way, it's strange to see someone quoting Kurt Cobain.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Another Picture Of Filippa Hamilton Just Because

Why Eurotrash Homos Shouldn't Be Allowed Near Hot Women

Ralph Lauren fired the young lady pictured, Filippa Hamilton, because she is too fat. Or rather because he thinks she is too fat. It shouldn't come as a surprise that Ralph Lauren doesn't find the 23 year old Filippa sexy, or that she was fired because she wasn't skinny enough to fit in his clothes made by sweatshop children. Obviously the only person who could fit into his clothes is a guy with a terminal disease, like AIDS, which kind of makes sense. He's imagining he's dressing his long lost boytoys. But considering the misogynistic way Ralph Lauren treats women, and the unreasonable image of women he portrays in his clothing ads, it's surprising that women buy Ralph Lauren's clothes at all.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Random Lyric Time

"I don't wanna stay at your party

I don't wanna talk with your friends

I don't wanna vote for your president

I just want to be your tugboat captain"

I Have Seen The Enemy And It Is... On Channel 47

Instead of worrying about actual wars in the Middle East, Obama has declared war on Fox News. Sure, having hundreds of other media agencies around the world humping his leg and giving him long distance fellatio in the form of unquestioning adoration is fine, but Obama needs total prostration at the foot of his neo-marxist administration.

From, "The take-no-prisoners turn has come as a surprise to some in the press, considering the largely favorable coverage that candidate Obama received last fall and given the President's vows to lower the rhetorical temperature in Washington and not pay attention to cable hyperbole. Instead, the White House blog now issues regular denunciations of the Administration's critics, including a recent post that announced "Fox lies" and suggested that the cable network was unpatriotic for criticizing Obama's 2016 Olympics effort. White House officials offer no apologies. "The best analogy is probably baseball," says Gibbs. "The only way to get somebody to stop crowding the plate is to throw a fastball at them. They move." "

We haven't had a president this paranoid about the press since Nixon, but since I'm a baseball fan, I'll first point out how stupid Gibbs' analogy is. Even if Fox News is "crowding the plate", we've all seen how the President throws. You can't brush back a batter when they know you throw like a girl. In other words, they won't move. And eventually they'll score. But I think my main problem with Obama being annoyingly concerned with a single news channel, on cable, that doesn't agree with every little thing that he says can be summed up thusly...

Hey Mister President, stop being such a whiney little bitch and do your fucking job!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I Need To Stop Falling Asleep With The Television On

I had a dream about James Rosen of Fox News. Yeah I know, he totally looks like former Phoenix Suns player, Jeff Hornacek. Anyway, in the dream I was at the park having lunch sitting on a bench. I was drinking coffee and he walked by wearing a walrus mask and whistling All You Need Is Love. "Beatles fan, huh?" "What? How did you know I wasn't a David Crosby fan?" he said. "Well, the Sgt. Peppers suit is kind of a give-away. You must be a really big Beatles fan. Would you like a ham and cheese sandwich", I said. "Sure" he said, "and I'm also quite the hair lock afficionado." While he was eating his sandwich, he mentioned something about how legalising handguns in Washington D.C. might lead to more crime in an already crime-ridden city. I countered,"Handguns in the possession of law-abiding citizens would actually lower crime because criminals might be hesitant to rob someone if they knew they were going to get their face blown off." He stupidly disagreed, to which I said,"If you can produce one study that shows an increase in crime when law-abiding citizens own guns, I will get you a lock of both Paul McCartney's and Ringo Starr's hair." He squealed, "I'll get that study, or die trying!" and scampered off across the park. Just then, I noticed Yoko Ono getting out of a Rolls Royce Silver Cloud to walk her Muensterlander in the park. I yelled to Rosen, "And I'll shave Yoko's head for free!"

postscript: I'm well aware a psychiatrist could interpret all sorts of things from this dream, but I'm more disturbed that I had a dream with Yoko Ono in it and I wasn't bludgeoning her with that Muensterlander for what she did to the Beatles.

Stop Me If You Think You Haven't Heard This One Before

After reading this article, I have to say that although I like Craig Ferguson and think he is a funny comedian, sometimes when people in a specific industry speak off the cuff, you learn things about that industry that you didn't really want to hear. With regard to the David Letterman extortion/cheating on his live-in fiasco, comedians have been holding back, or not telling jokes at all. Ferguson said, "If we are now holding late-night talk show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergyman, I'm out". Did you get that? He's not telling jokes about Letterman because that would be holding someone morally accountable who shouldn't be held to the same moral accountability. Which logically would mean that they shouldn't be telling jokes about John and Kate, or Britney Spears or O.J. or basically everyone they currently make fun of, because, for some reason, they shouldn't be held morally accountable for the stupid things that they do. Because they are not politicians or clergymen or something. An even more interesting point about the comment is that the reason comedians make jokes in the first place is to hold someone accountable. A joke isn't a joke, it is a moral judgment, made by a person who is not morally accountable for their own behavior. I guess if you want to make a joke about someone, you first have to make sure the standards you hold your own behavior to are lower than whoever you are mocking. I would make some comment about comedians being able to dish it out, but not being able to take it, but that would make me as bad as those people who criticized Roman Polanski and his child rape fiasco.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Don't Tread On Norway

Norway is the best place to live according to the UN. The United States is the 13th best place to live in the world. "The top ten countries listed on the index are: Norway, Australia, Iceland, Canada, Ireland, the Netherlands, Sweden, France, Switzerland and Japan." "The index compiled by the UN Development Programme (UNDP) ranks 182 countries based on such criteria as life expectancy, literacy, school enrolment and gross domestic product (GDP) per capita." It does make me wonder what would happen if most of the countries ahead of the U.S. were forced to expend more of their GDP to defend their own countries. Would that reduce their GDPs? Would some of that money come out of health care or education? Probably. But then again, America is terrible. We don't give enough of our money to other countries. We don't damage our economy enough in support of environmental caps (which the rest of the world doesn't feel like implementing either, by the way). We monger war and respond to imaginary threats as if we somehow learned something from those world wars we had a few years back. It's not surprising then that so many of these countries think of America as the greatest threat to world peace is it?

Why I Have Underworld Memorized

I normally couldn't care less about so called men's magazines or their limp-wristed dandy opinions, but apparently Esquire magazine is trying to make the case that Kate Beckinsale is the sexiest woman alive. I have to admit, they make a very good argument. Especially when you consider the video evidence.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hollywood Has The Best Moral Compass

Here's a top ten list of excuses people would use if they were trying to defend film director Roman Polanski after he was arrested at a film festival in Switzerland on 30 year old charges that he drugged and raped a thirteen year old girl and then skipped out after he had been found guilty.

10. His wife was murdered by Charles Manson
9. He's a Holocaust survivor
8. He grew up in the ghetto
7. He was arrested at an International film festival
6. He's 76 years old
5. He's suffered enough, he couldn't even accept his Oscar
4. He's suffered enough, he had to live in Europe
3. He raped her 30 years ago
2. The arrest takes away his freedom
1. It wasn't rape-rape.

Not funny? Here's the joke. These really are statements by people, mostly Hollywood idiots, who are outraged that Polanski was arrested... for drugging and raping a 13 year old and fleeing the country after he was convicted. Here's my favorite quote, "If he weren't famous, I bet no one would bother with him at all." Uh, no, that's not quite accurate. If he weren't famous, he would have served his sentence a long time ago. It's the very fact that he is rich and famous that has let him continue to be a film director in Europe and live in the lap of luxury for the past three decades.

Random Lyric Time

"Nothing's real if you read the news

If you've bled the blues

Prove it to the world

Now drink and be real

This is the last time

Hard to conceal the flavor of strychnine"

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Burgers From Hell

Powered by insomnia, I had a dream that I started a restaurant called Burgers From Hell. I know what you're saying... awesome! Plus, I'm a great cook and I had so many great ideas too. The burgers would be cooked over real brimstone, giving it that authentic roasting-in-hell flavor, and everything would cost $6.66. Everything on the menu was "damned" too. You'd say, "I would like a damned number 2, please", and the waitress would bring out a "damned" burger and "damned" fries with a Coke. That's how you would order them. The "damned" desserts were especially sinful. But that's when things went awry. First off, cooking over brimstone gave the burgers an unappetizing sulfury taste and smell which made everyone sick. Not good. And, since it is "Burgers From Hell", all the drinks were served boiling hot, which, of course, made all the kids cry. The final straw was the strike. With no one to serve the horrible food, I had to close down the place. Damned waitresses.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

ObamaCare, Anyone? Anyone?

It turns out that with ObamaCare failing badly in public polls, Barack has graciously decided to reveal details of his healthcare reform bill BEFORE anyone has a chance to vote on it, as opposed to his earlier plan to let us in on the details AFTER it's been voted on.

  • The public option will now include free candy!

  • Have decided they will NOT be killing anyone's grandparents, except in self-defence.

  • In an effort to curb fish-born diseases, Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel will stop sending dead fish to people.

  • Ladies get free healthcare on Tuesdays!

  • Un-American mobs get a group discount!

  • Placebos and suppositories will now be grape-flavored.

  • Free mandatory vaccinations for the flu, measles, and outspoken-ness.

  • All diseases will be diagnosed with rectal exams. Including gingivitis.

  • Government cheese for everyone!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

For No Good Reason, Here Is A Random Lyric

"I heard dinner went well
you liked Chris's jacket
he reminded you of Johnny
before he went electronic"

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I'm Not A Mad Man

I don't care how damn good I look in a suit and a skinny black tie, I still can't get into this Mad Men show.

Ranch Dressing We Can Believe In

The election of Barack Obama should be a wake-up call to all of us that are fooled into buying a crappy product with slick advertising.

Thursday, August 13, 2009


I already made my feelings regarding squirrels clear, but here's one ruining a poor couple's picture.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Sorry MLK, Maureen Dowd Says You Can't March Here

I'm often asked if Maureen Dowd of The New York Times is retarded. Here is Exhibit 2,635,765A explaining her opinion of people at townhalls across the country, who are upset with healthcare legislation.

"Instead of a multicultural tableau of beaming young idealists on screen, we see ugly scenes of mostly older and white malcontents, disrupting forums where others have come to actually learn something. Instead of hope, we get swastikas, death threats and T-shirts proclaiming “Proud Member of the Mob.” "

The first hint that the dead eyes in her skull really do reflect a lack of human life, compassion or intelligence is her idea that to protest, you must be young, multicultural(?) and idealist. No one told our Founding Fathers that they couldn't protest British oppression because they weren't multicultural enough. Heck, no one told Martin Luther King that that he was over the age limit, but oh well. I also enjoy the idealist part, because realists concerned with spending money that we don't have are such bring-downs. Second hint? Her (adorable!) belief, that anyone listening to a politician's speech is somehow learning something useful, is astounding. She's not only dead inside, but she's dead to everything around her. Especially when she ignores the fact that her "idealists" use swastikas, death threats and t-shirts. And if you want to learn something about a bill being written you should listen to the people writing the bill, not some senator. Most of them haven't read the legislation, and most of them never will. The third hint we get that something is wrong with Lil Mo is her "clinging" to the word "hope". She may be the last person in America who doesn't realize that Hope and Change were part of an ad campaign, and that she's still a sucker for buying into it. In a way, that too is adorable, but it's also sad, really sad. Especially for someone mostly older and White.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Why My Eyes Won't Stop Bleeding

AAAAAAAA!!!!!! My Eyes!!! My Brain!! Whyyyyy!!!!!! least that's what I screamed when I read this nightmare-inducing story. The article focuses on the lack of journalistic integrity at CNN(!), but the horrible skeevy redheaded elephant in the room is Kathy Griffin and Levi Johnston having..."relations". That's right, 48 year old Kathy Griffin, who wouldn't even be the prettiest girl in a drag queen beauty contest, has hooked up with Bristol Palin's 19 year old ex-beau. She could be joking but even that sends me into convulsions. Watch the horror show if you don't mind not sleeping tonight. I'm sure you're asking what the poor misguided little dude was thinking. He was probably thinking the exact same thing that this gentleman was thinking. Well maybe not exactly, the traffic cones in Scotland might not be Kathy Griffin orange.

Monday, August 10, 2009

You Bite My Back, I'll Bite Yours

I saw this comment posted on regarding two Senate idjits writing an op-ed calling Americans un-American because the polling seems to show that Americans don't like garbage being foisted upon them.

"The scary thing is now Democrats can NOT afford to lose on healthcare. After having called more than half the nation Nazis and anti-American, if Democrats lose, they will have literally lost to Hitler.
You can’t come back from that. If they lose, expect them not to lose with grace.
amkun on August 11, 2009 at 12:40 AM"

It's both funny and fitting at the same time, but for some reason still makes me really sad.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Left Can't Take a Joke(r)

A poster appeared in L.A. this week spoofing Obama, with the word "socialism" underneath. It looks like the same sort of commentary that Bush received during his eight years, but there's a problem. Lefties can't take a joke, or in this case, they can't take a joker. At least not when it comes to making fun of poor little Obama. Apparently, the cultists that call Obama "god" have trouble even understanding criticism of "the one". Of course, they certainly didn't have trouble comparing Bush to Hitler, but whatever. If you google "Hitler Bush" you get 23 MILLION hits. What's really funny is the lefties didn't have trouble comparing Bush to the Joker, because that was obvious, and this is just "politically mean spirited and dangerous", as one Los Angeles Urban Policy Roundtable President said. What is especially amusing, to me at least, is that ANY criticism of Obama carries "racial overtones", because, you know, he's Black. Given how painful criticism of Obama is for the left, I certainly hope no one portrays Obama as a monkey like they did with George Bush. That might be too much for the rest of us to take.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Man Bites Dog

For no good reason, other than insomnia, these are titles of real articles I have found in reputable British and American papers that might as well have come from a satirical humor website like The Onion.

  • Rotten office fridge cleanup sends 7 to hospital
  • Pet doors may pose danger to curious children
  • Monkeys ponder what could have been, researchers say
  • Shoppers, unite! Carrot mobs are cooler than boycotts
  • Ice cream maker flies in Italian tenor to sing to cows
  • U.S. defense chief praises soldier in pink boxers, flip-flops
  • Michelle Obama says White House life is great boon to family
  • Genetically engineered monkeys pass green glow to offspring
  • Mo. Burger King refuses to serve baby without shoes
  • General Motors has to focus on its cars to boost sales
  • Blagojevich calls wife's tarantula-eating an 'act of love'

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


Breaking News! Obama allegedly has a love child! Sure, it may not be true, but by following the example of that stalwart bastion of exemplary news journalism, CNN, I can say anything I want as long as I use weasel words like "sources say" and "allegedly". Plus I can also issue retractions years from now, like The New York Times. But anyway, unnamed sources say Obama got into it with that news-shrew Andrea Mitchell on their trip to Germany when Obama was campaigning there to become president of ...the U.S.A. Andrea Mitchell reputedly said Obama was very limber and had a lot of stamina. Apparently he didn't use protection because he wrongly assumed that she couldn't bear children since she doesn't have a soul. Sources close to the Second Family say the child is named Chicory. And this just in! If you're drinking coffee, prepare to do a spit-take: Walter Cronkite died in the arms of a prostitute! Allegedly.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Good Things About Insomnia

People are always complaining about insomnia and spending a lot of money treating it, but no one ever talks about the good things about insomnia. such as...

  • I sleep so soundly when I finally do fall asleep that I'm not really bothered when I wake up with blood on my hands.
  • You sound clever when you say,"It's not insomnia, it's sleep sobriety."
  • I'm less inhibited at night. With no one around to judge me, I'm free from oppressive social norms, which allows me to be myself. And to break into people's cars and steal stereos.
  • Those bags under my eyes make me look more experienced.
  • People don't bother you in the morning when you have blood shot eyes and you're on your tenth cup of coffee in five minutes.
  • You get to meet a lot of interesting people when you shop at Walmart at 2am.
  • I can make jokes about how the govmint implanted a chip in my head that won't allow me to sleep, and look like I mean it.
  • Babbling incoherently can be blamed on insomnia, whether you had enough sleep or not.
  • A lack of sleep makes even the most inane joke really funny.
  • What?! Like you sleepers are so special?!

Chilled....Monkey Brains

I think the recession has hit all of us pretty hard and these days shopping for groceries can be quite expensive. As a public service to those of you who may find a great deal on monkey meat at the local supermarket, or possibly live near a zoo, here is a recipe for...

Le Singe A La Tomate (Monkey with tomato sauce)
(Mmmmm ...fancy)
  • Soak the smoked monkey meat in water, then rinse and drain it.
  • Fry tomatoes, onions and chile pepper in hot palm oil.
  • Add tomato paste and the monkey meat.
  • Simmer until all is tender.
  • Season with salt and pepper.
  • (Recipe from
The recipe calls for it to be cooked until tender, but I like it nice and sticky. For wine choices, I think it depends on the monkey. If he were a young impish little scamp, I would go with a recent Beaujolais Nouveau. For an older monkey who thought he would live out the rest of his life on a nature preserve and didn't see that guy with the crescent-wrench sneaking up behind him, maybe a 8-10 year old Cabernet Sauvignon.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Selfish Little Piggy TV

I heard that NBC has a new show coming out this fall called Officer Downs. It's about a police officer with Down's syndrome who solves CSI-type crimes in his spare time with his alcoholic wife-beating brother. It stars Alec Baldwin and Al Gore. No word yet on who will play who.

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Day They Drove Ole Sarah Down

Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, resigned last week. After less than a year in the major media spotlight, she quit, right out of the blue. You could say that major ethics investigations and falling approval ratings were to blame, but the media is having none of that. Before she was nominated to be vice-president last year, she hadn't had any investigations and her approval ratings were in the 80's, so the media is greedily latching on to this story as a victory for the power of the press. Of course, they really haven't had a very good year, or even decade for that matter. Circulation is down for newspapers, advertising is down everywhere, and bloggers and other independent media are pointing out their bias and their more blatant lies. Just the other day, the Washington Post was caught in an influence peddling scandal, so they really needed some good news. And last week they got it. The best thing about the Sarah Palin story is that the press can still destroy someone's career without even having had a scandal.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Is That What I Think It Is?

Most surprising things found in Michael Jackson's autopsy:

  • His veins were filled with Jesus juice.
  • LA County used the same film crew from "Alien Autopsy"
  • He was not "anatomically correct".
  • The coroner kept screaming,"What the hell is this!?"
  • He had two tatoos, "Neverland Forever" and "NY Mets Suck"
  • A previous surgery had replaced all his bones with graham crackers.
  • He had, like, six nipples!
  • He was not made of candy like he told those children.
  • His Jheri Curl levels were dangerously low.
  • The bottom of his feet were coated with Teflon for moon-walking.
  • Kind of creepy the way he would say "HEEHEE!" every time you poked him.
  • Did not have a surgically implanted kangaroo pouch as reported in the Enquirer and Washington Post.
  • Had knife and gunshot wounds from when he was bangin' back in the day.
  • They found his other glove.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Bho-Bho Say No-No

If the Norks nuked the Sorks, would Bho-Bho nuke the Norks next? Nuking Norks? No! Bho-Bho no nuke Norks make Norks nuke Bho-Bho's peeps. Bho-Bho's peeps go bye-bye? Oui-Oui! Maybe Sorks nuke Norks? No, Sorks no got no nukes to nuke the Norks. Sorks be sad. Bho-Bho's peeps be sad. Norks say yippee.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden...Again!

  • Gangmembers could shoot more accurately if they didn't hold their guns sideways.
  • Rhode Island is an...ISLAND! Really. Sort of.
  • Beach balls aren't just for the beach!
  • Since we have two eyes to see in stereo, and two ears to hear in stereo, doesn't having two nostrils mean we should smell in stereo?
  • Obesity is increasing because less people are smoking.
  • I really, really want a tranquilizer-dart gun.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

We Are Not Men, We Are DEVO.

So anyway, it seems we can now carry guns in national parks. Finally! I know a few squirrels who are about to get what's coming to them. For some reason, when people think of squirrels, they think of fuzzy little scamps who entertain us with their cute, adorable antics. What they're actually thinking of is chipmunks. Chipmunks are cute. Squirrels are fat, stupid little thugs, lacking any sort of morality, who mooch on animal and human society alike while committing crimes against all of nature. They crap in the woods like they own the place! But it now dawns on me why the little tree rats think they're better than us, it's because they are higher up on the evolutionary ladder. Sure, we have opposable thumbs, but they climb trees with their feet! And compared with monkeys, who have opposable thumbs on their hands AND their feet, AND have those cool tails, we're not looking so good. If they learn how to use a computer or a gun, we're goners. So the next time you see a squirrel, flip that smug little bastard the bird. Someone's got to put them in their place.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

And I Lied, And You Lied, What Pretty Little Things We Are

The real reasons why Nancy Pelosi is lying about whether she knew waterboarding was being used by the CIA.
  1. She holds stock in Waterboard Inc.

  2. She enjoys the soothing sound of water cascading... and the sound of screaming!

  3. She thought they said waterbreading.

  4. She's trying to hide the fact that that wasn't really water they were using.

  5. There are pictures of her pointing at a guy's junk.

  6. She had skipped out that day for a spring-training game.

  7. She's actually one of the X-Men. Main superpower... waterboarding!

  8. She was more concerned with quietly opening a bag of chips during the briefing.

  9. Doesn't want people to know that waterboarding really works, and that she uses it on her interns every night.

  10. She's hiding the fact that terrorists were only soaked in water so they could be fed to the rancor.

  11. Anthropologists have discovered that in her language, lying and telling the truth are the same word.

  12. She didn't know she was going to be tested on all this stuff later.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Step Right Up

A New York museum has an exhibit, "Torture Devices Of The Bush Administration". It consists of a bucket of water, a stereo with AC-DC's greatest hits on it, a fuzzy caterpillar, and some lady pointing at a dude's junk. I hope future generations don't judge us too harshly.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Dave? and Random Thoughts

I think it would be hilarious if someone hacked into the president's teleprompter and inserted the phrase, "No Dave, I don't like rutabagas." I think it would be funny but then, I'm easily amused.

The police caught me twittering while operating my lawnmower. He probably would have let me go with a warning if I had been wearing pants.

It's almost 2:30AM and they are airing Rambo First Blood. The people who are up at 2:30 in the morning probably don't need an instructional film on flipping out and blowing up a small town.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Cursive Eye for the RED....EYE

I've recently started writing in cursive again for no good reason other than the certified fact that I think I'm losing my mind. It's not as easy as you might think, the cursive, not the losing the mind part, considering how long it's been since I've written in cursive, and also the stupidifying effect the internet has had on my neurons and general motor skills. It's one of those things, like spelling, which I used to be really good at, but now makes me think I'm starting to get a little retarded or senile or both. I've actually had to relearn how to write in cursive. It's not like riding a bike at all, it's more like a stroke victim relearning how to write again, which leads me to REDEYE with Greg Gutfeld. It's a really stupid show that I'm now addicted to. It's on very late, so it helps to alleviate my insomnia. Doesn't really help with the alcoholism though.

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden

  1. I have a million uses for chloroform!
  2. Dick Cheney runs on batteries!
  3. Pants are almost never optional.
  4. The Long Island Railroad has been disgusting every time I've ridden it.
  5. I learned twitter-speak from those little candy hearts. And Prince.
  6. The sun causes 100% of global-warming.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

On Stomach Stapling And Other Mutilations

I've decided to cut off all my arms and legs. I know that seems kind of rash, but I need to lose some weight, and dieting looks like kind of a pain in the backside. I figure I could drop a lot of weight depending on how much blood I lose. I've talked with some doctors, but they all seem to think it's a bad idea. But then again, they work for big corporations and the pharmaceutical industry, so pushing placebos like exercise and eating right is just their way of padding the bill. They don't even care how good I'd look if I dropped 50 pounds. Plus, I could come out with an armless, legless clothing line for people like me. I could, in fact, start a whole new trend, like when Britney Spears shaved her head. I could call it "Stump Chic!", and be on the covers of magazines, be invited to fashion shows, get asked to judge the Miss USA pageant, stuff like that. As you can see, I've thought this out pretty well, and I don't see how there could possibly be any downside. And if it doesn't work out, who cares? Arms and legs grow back, right?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

First Post

Hmmm, should my first post be me saying,"here's my first post" or should I say something about myself? Well, I like to root for grubs and kill snakes with my teeth. There, something about myself.