Thursday, May 28, 2009

Bho-Bho Say No-No

If the Norks nuked the Sorks, would Bho-Bho nuke the Norks next? Nuking Norks? No! Bho-Bho no nuke Norks make Norks nuke Bho-Bho's peeps. Bho-Bho's peeps go bye-bye? Oui-Oui! Maybe Sorks nuke Norks? No, Sorks no got no nukes to nuke the Norks. Sorks be sad. Bho-Bho's peeps be sad. Norks say yippee.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden...Again!

  • Gangmembers could shoot more accurately if they didn't hold their guns sideways.
  • Rhode Island is an...ISLAND! Really. Sort of.
  • Beach balls aren't just for the beach!
  • Since we have two eyes to see in stereo, and two ears to hear in stereo, doesn't having two nostrils mean we should smell in stereo?
  • Obesity is increasing because less people are smoking.
  • I really, really want a tranquilizer-dart gun.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

We Are Not Men, We Are DEVO.

So anyway, it seems we can now carry guns in national parks. Finally! I know a few squirrels who are about to get what's coming to them. For some reason, when people think of squirrels, they think of fuzzy little scamps who entertain us with their cute, adorable antics. What they're actually thinking of is chipmunks. Chipmunks are cute. Squirrels are fat, stupid little thugs, lacking any sort of morality, who mooch on animal and human society alike while committing crimes against all of nature. They crap in the woods like they own the place! But it now dawns on me why the little tree rats think they're better than us, it's because they are higher up on the evolutionary ladder. Sure, we have opposable thumbs, but they climb trees with their feet! And compared with monkeys, who have opposable thumbs on their hands AND their feet, AND have those cool tails, we're not looking so good. If they learn how to use a computer or a gun, we're goners. So the next time you see a squirrel, flip that smug little bastard the bird. Someone's got to put them in their place.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

And I Lied, And You Lied, What Pretty Little Things We Are

The real reasons why Nancy Pelosi is lying about whether she knew waterboarding was being used by the CIA.
  1. She holds stock in Waterboard Inc.

  2. She enjoys the soothing sound of water cascading... and the sound of screaming!

  3. She thought they said waterbreading.

  4. She's trying to hide the fact that that wasn't really water they were using.

  5. There are pictures of her pointing at a guy's junk.

  6. She had skipped out that day for a spring-training game.

  7. She's actually one of the X-Men. Main superpower... waterboarding!

  8. She was more concerned with quietly opening a bag of chips during the briefing.

  9. Doesn't want people to know that waterboarding really works, and that she uses it on her interns every night.

  10. She's hiding the fact that terrorists were only soaked in water so they could be fed to the rancor.

  11. Anthropologists have discovered that in her language, lying and telling the truth are the same word.

  12. She didn't know she was going to be tested on all this stuff later.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Step Right Up

A New York museum has an exhibit, "Torture Devices Of The Bush Administration". It consists of a bucket of water, a stereo with AC-DC's greatest hits on it, a fuzzy caterpillar, and some lady pointing at a dude's junk. I hope future generations don't judge us too harshly.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Dave? and Random Thoughts

I think it would be hilarious if someone hacked into the president's teleprompter and inserted the phrase, "No Dave, I don't like rutabagas." I think it would be funny but then, I'm easily amused.

The police caught me twittering while operating my lawnmower. He probably would have let me go with a warning if I had been wearing pants.

It's almost 2:30AM and they are airing Rambo First Blood. The people who are up at 2:30 in the morning probably don't need an instructional film on flipping out and blowing up a small town.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Cursive Eye for the RED....EYE

I've recently started writing in cursive again for no good reason other than the certified fact that I think I'm losing my mind. It's not as easy as you might think, the cursive, not the losing the mind part, considering how long it's been since I've written in cursive, and also the stupidifying effect the internet has had on my neurons and general motor skills. It's one of those things, like spelling, which I used to be really good at, but now makes me think I'm starting to get a little retarded or senile or both. I've actually had to relearn how to write in cursive. It's not like riding a bike at all, it's more like a stroke victim relearning how to write again, which leads me to REDEYE with Greg Gutfeld. It's a really stupid show that I'm now addicted to. It's on very late, so it helps to alleviate my insomnia. Doesn't really help with the alcoholism though.

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden

  1. I have a million uses for chloroform!
  2. Dick Cheney runs on batteries!
  3. Pants are almost never optional.
  4. The Long Island Railroad has been disgusting every time I've ridden it.
  5. I learned twitter-speak from those little candy hearts. And Prince.
  6. The sun causes 100% of global-warming.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

On Stomach Stapling And Other Mutilations

I've decided to cut off all my arms and legs. I know that seems kind of rash, but I need to lose some weight, and dieting looks like kind of a pain in the backside. I figure I could drop a lot of weight depending on how much blood I lose. I've talked with some doctors, but they all seem to think it's a bad idea. But then again, they work for big corporations and the pharmaceutical industry, so pushing placebos like exercise and eating right is just their way of padding the bill. They don't even care how good I'd look if I dropped 50 pounds. Plus, I could come out with an armless, legless clothing line for people like me. I could, in fact, start a whole new trend, like when Britney Spears shaved her head. I could call it "Stump Chic!", and be on the covers of magazines, be invited to fashion shows, get asked to judge the Miss USA pageant, stuff like that. As you can see, I've thought this out pretty well, and I don't see how there could possibly be any downside. And if it doesn't work out, who cares? Arms and legs grow back, right?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

First Post

Hmmm, should my first post be me saying,"here's my first post" or should I say something about myself? Well, I like to root for grubs and kill snakes with my teeth. There, something about myself.