Wednesday, May 6, 2009

On Stomach Stapling And Other Mutilations

I've decided to cut off all my arms and legs. I know that seems kind of rash, but I need to lose some weight, and dieting looks like kind of a pain in the backside. I figure I could drop a lot of weight depending on how much blood I lose. I've talked with some doctors, but they all seem to think it's a bad idea. But then again, they work for big corporations and the pharmaceutical industry, so pushing placebos like exercise and eating right is just their way of padding the bill. They don't even care how good I'd look if I dropped 50 pounds. Plus, I could come out with an armless, legless clothing line for people like me. I could, in fact, start a whole new trend, like when Britney Spears shaved her head. I could call it "Stump Chic!", and be on the covers of magazines, be invited to fashion shows, get asked to judge the Miss USA pageant, stuff like that. As you can see, I've thought this out pretty well, and I don't see how there could possibly be any downside. And if it doesn't work out, who cares? Arms and legs grow back, right?

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