Friday, July 31, 2009

Man Bites Dog

For no good reason, other than insomnia, these are titles of real articles I have found in reputable British and American papers that might as well have come from a satirical humor website like The Onion.

  • Rotten office fridge cleanup sends 7 to hospital
  • Pet doors may pose danger to curious children
  • Monkeys ponder what could have been, researchers say
  • Shoppers, unite! Carrot mobs are cooler than boycotts
  • Ice cream maker flies in Italian tenor to sing to cows
  • U.S. defense chief praises soldier in pink boxers, flip-flops
  • Michelle Obama says White House life is great boon to family
  • Genetically engineered monkeys pass green glow to offspring
  • Mo. Burger King refuses to serve baby without shoes
  • General Motors has to focus on its cars to boost sales
  • Blagojevich calls wife's tarantula-eating an 'act of love'

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

CNN="Journalism"

Breaking News! Obama allegedly has a love child! Sure, it may not be true, but by following the example of that stalwart bastion of exemplary news journalism, CNN, I can say anything I want as long as I use weasel words like "sources say" and "allegedly". Plus I can also issue retractions years from now, like The New York Times. But anyway, unnamed sources say Obama got into it with that news-shrew Andrea Mitchell on their trip to Germany when Obama was campaigning there to become president of ...the U.S.A. Andrea Mitchell reputedly said Obama was very limber and had a lot of stamina. Apparently he didn't use protection because he wrongly assumed that she couldn't bear children since she doesn't have a soul. Sources close to the Second Family say the child is named Chicory. And this just in! If you're drinking coffee, prepare to do a spit-take: Walter Cronkite died in the arms of a prostitute! Allegedly.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

The Good Things About Insomnia

People are always complaining about insomnia and spending a lot of money treating it, but no one ever talks about the good things about insomnia. such as...

  • I sleep so soundly when I finally do fall asleep that I'm not really bothered when I wake up with blood on my hands.
  • You sound clever when you say,"It's not insomnia, it's sleep sobriety."
  • I'm less inhibited at night. With no one around to judge me, I'm free from oppressive social norms, which allows me to be myself. And to break into people's cars and steal stereos.
  • Those bags under my eyes make me look more experienced.
  • People don't bother you in the morning when you have blood shot eyes and you're on your tenth cup of coffee in five minutes.
  • You get to meet a lot of interesting people when you shop at Walmart at 2am.
  • I can make jokes about how the govmint implanted a chip in my head that won't allow me to sleep, and look like I mean it.
  • Babbling incoherently can be blamed on insomnia, whether you had enough sleep or not.
  • A lack of sleep makes even the most inane joke really funny.
  • What?! Like you sleepers are so special?!




Chilled....Monkey Brains

I think the recession has hit all of us pretty hard and these days shopping for groceries can be quite expensive. As a public service to those of you who may find a great deal on monkey meat at the local supermarket, or possibly live near a zoo, here is a recipe for...

Le Singe A La Tomate (Monkey with tomato sauce)
(Mmmmm ...fancy)
  • Soak the smoked monkey meat in water, then rinse and drain it.
  • Fry tomatoes, onions and chile pepper in hot palm oil.
  • Add tomato paste and the monkey meat.
  • Simmer until all is tender.
  • Season with salt and pepper.
  • (Recipe from congocookbook.com)
The recipe calls for it to be cooked until tender, but I like it nice and sticky. For wine choices, I think it depends on the monkey. If he were a young impish little scamp, I would go with a recent Beaujolais Nouveau. For an older monkey who thought he would live out the rest of his life on a nature preserve and didn't see that guy with the crescent-wrench sneaking up behind him, maybe a 8-10 year old Cabernet Sauvignon.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Selfish Little Piggy TV

I heard that NBC has a new show coming out this fall called Officer Downs. It's about a police officer with Down's syndrome who solves CSI-type crimes in his spare time with his alcoholic wife-beating brother. It stars Alec Baldwin and Al Gore. No word yet on who will play who.

Monday, July 6, 2009

The Day They Drove Ole Sarah Down

Sarah Palin, the governor of Alaska, resigned last week. After less than a year in the major media spotlight, she quit, right out of the blue. You could say that major ethics investigations and falling approval ratings were to blame, but the media is having none of that. Before she was nominated to be vice-president last year, she hadn't had any investigations and her approval ratings were in the 80's, so the media is greedily latching on to this story as a victory for the power of the press. Of course, they really haven't had a very good year, or even decade for that matter. Circulation is down for newspapers, advertising is down everywhere, and bloggers and other independent media are pointing out their bias and their more blatant lies. Just the other day, the Washington Post was caught in an influence peddling scandal, so they really needed some good news. And last week they got it. The best thing about the Sarah Palin story is that the press can still destroy someone's career without even having had a scandal.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Is That What I Think It Is?

Most surprising things found in Michael Jackson's autopsy:

  • His veins were filled with Jesus juice.
  • LA County used the same film crew from "Alien Autopsy"
  • He was not "anatomically correct".
  • The coroner kept screaming,"What the hell is this!?"
  • He had two tatoos, "Neverland Forever" and "NY Mets Suck"
  • A previous surgery had replaced all his bones with graham crackers.
  • He had, like, six nipples!
  • He was not made of candy like he told those children.
  • His Jheri Curl levels were dangerously low.
  • The bottom of his feet were coated with Teflon for moon-walking.
  • Kind of creepy the way he would say "HEEHEE!" every time you poked him.
  • Did not have a surgically implanted kangaroo pouch as reported in the Enquirer and Washington Post.
  • Had knife and gunshot wounds from when he was bangin' back in the day.
  • They found his other glove.