Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Hollywood Has The Best Moral Compass

Here's a top ten list of excuses people would use if they were trying to defend film director Roman Polanski after he was arrested at a film festival in Switzerland on 30 year old charges that he drugged and raped a thirteen year old girl and then skipped out after he had been found guilty.

10. His wife was murdered by Charles Manson
9. He's a Holocaust survivor
8. He grew up in the ghetto
7. He was arrested at an International film festival
6. He's 76 years old
5. He's suffered enough, he couldn't even accept his Oscar
4. He's suffered enough, he had to live in Europe
3. He raped her 30 years ago
2. The arrest takes away his freedom
1. It wasn't rape-rape.

Not funny? Here's the joke. These really are statements by people, mostly Hollywood idiots, who are outraged that Polanski was arrested... for drugging and raping a 13 year old and fleeing the country after he was convicted. Here's my favorite quote, "If he weren't famous, I bet no one would bother with him at all." Uh, no, that's not quite accurate. If he weren't famous, he would have served his sentence a long time ago. It's the very fact that he is rich and famous that has let him continue to be a film director in Europe and live in the lap of luxury for the past three decades.

Random Lyric Time

"Nothing's real if you read the news

If you've bled the blues

Prove it to the world

Now drink and be real

This is the last time

Hard to conceal the flavor of strychnine"

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Burgers From Hell

Powered by insomnia, I had a dream that I started a restaurant called Burgers From Hell. I know what you're saying... awesome! Plus, I'm a great cook and I had so many great ideas too. The burgers would be cooked over real brimstone, giving it that authentic roasting-in-hell flavor, and everything would cost $6.66. Everything on the menu was "damned" too. You'd say, "I would like a damned number 2, please", and the waitress would bring out a "damned" burger and "damned" fries with a Coke. That's how you would order them. The "damned" desserts were especially sinful. But that's when things went awry. First off, cooking over brimstone gave the burgers an unappetizing sulfury taste and smell which made everyone sick. Not good. And, since it is "Burgers From Hell", all the drinks were served boiling hot, which, of course, made all the kids cry. The final straw was the strike. With no one to serve the horrible food, I had to close down the place. Damned waitresses.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

ObamaCare, Anyone? Anyone?

It turns out that with ObamaCare failing badly in public polls, Barack has graciously decided to reveal details of his healthcare reform bill BEFORE anyone has a chance to vote on it, as opposed to his earlier plan to let us in on the details AFTER it's been voted on.

  • The public option will now include free candy!

  • Have decided they will NOT be killing anyone's grandparents, except in self-defence.

  • In an effort to curb fish-born diseases, Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel will stop sending dead fish to people.

  • Ladies get free healthcare on Tuesdays!

  • Un-American mobs get a group discount!

  • Placebos and suppositories will now be grape-flavored.


  • Free mandatory vaccinations for the flu, measles, and outspoken-ness.


  • All diseases will be diagnosed with rectal exams. Including gingivitis.


  • Government cheese for everyone!