Saturday, October 31, 2009

Hey Lawyers, Obama Wuvs You Back!

Obama signed a hate crimes bill into law wednesday. Well actually it was a defense budget with the hate crimes bill tacked on but that shouldn't be pointed out since this is the most transparent administration evah! The smart fellas at Stop The ACLU point out that this hate crimes bill may be a way around the constitution in that you could be tried twice for the same crime, once on the state level, where you could be found innocent, and then again on the federal level, regardless as to what the state ruled. Go read this and this, because as per usual, Stop The ACLU write excellent articles. But unfortunately, these aren't the type of issues Obama is concerned with. Obama is all about Obama, and since Obama is a lawyer, Obama is all about the lawyers. As Stop The ACLU points out, lawyers will make a killing prosecuting the same crime twice. We can't even get tort reform passed in the ObamaCare bill because then lawyers wouldn't be able to make mad cash from other people's suffering (and then donate it to the Dems whom they love). And for those of you touting Obama courageously standing up for gays or transgenders, ask yourself why Obama didn't champion this part of the bill the way he has for healthcare, or why this is hidden in a defense appropriations bill in the first place. Obama supports those that can benefit his administration right now and right now the only group that Obama seems to uncompromisingly support are lawyers.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

There's A Zombie! In The White House!

I'm only going to say this once, Rahm Emanuel is a zombie! That's right, a zombie...oh wait that's twice. Anyway, it is kind of obvious when you think about it. Those sunken dead eyes. The Tourette's-like profanity with no regard for human norms. His support for the Democratic Party platform. Do you really think he is sending dead fish to people because he is trying to scare them? No, it's because, as a zombie, he can only eat the flesh of his own kind! Fish, or for that matter any food not harvested from human beings, are absolutely useless to him. He can't even eat bacon if you can believe that. Of course you may be asking yourself, "How, in this modern era, can anyone become a zombie. Don't you have to be bitten by a zombie to become a zombie?" I asked myself the same question, until I noticed something in a photo of Rahm Emanuel, a missing finger! That's not Photoshopped people! Obviously, it's been bitten clean off! Now, we all know that Democrats have a penchant for biting other peoples' fingers off, but now we know why... they can't stop themselves! They're zombies! But the real question is who bit off Rahm's finger and gave him his horrible blood lust for human flesh? Who......?

That's right, Barry Obama. Here's a photo of Barry finishing off one of the journalists from Fox News. Obama has recently been working overtime trying to discredit Fox News, because he knows that if he discredits them, people will stop watching them and he can harvest their tasty carcasses without anyone noticing. As near as we can tell, Barry became a zombie as part of his voodoo religion in Kenya, his real birthplace. When asked for comment Obama was quoted as saying, "I Eat U Bones! Mmmm, U Deeelishus!"

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

The Sunny Side of Kurt Cobain

This is the Quote of the Day at the top of my google email account- Kurt Cobain - "Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are." Awww, that's what Dr. Phil would say! I'm not sure about the validity of this quote, because to me it sounds downright cheerful for someone who wrote about self-loathing, self-medication and killing himself in almost every one of his songs. Oh, and also for someone who gave himself a lethal dose of heroin and blew his brains out with a shotgun, on his second suicide attempt. Maybe the quote was really,"Wanting to be someone is like wasting the person you are." Either way, it's strange to see someone quoting Kurt Cobain.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Another Picture Of Filippa Hamilton Just Because

Why Eurotrash Homos Shouldn't Be Allowed Near Hot Women

Ralph Lauren fired the young lady pictured, Filippa Hamilton, because she is too fat. Or rather because he thinks she is too fat. It shouldn't come as a surprise that Ralph Lauren doesn't find the 23 year old Filippa sexy, or that she was fired because she wasn't skinny enough to fit in his clothes made by sweatshop children. Obviously the only person who could fit into his clothes is a guy with a terminal disease, like AIDS, which kind of makes sense. He's imagining he's dressing his long lost boytoys. But considering the misogynistic way Ralph Lauren treats women, and the unreasonable image of women he portrays in his clothing ads, it's surprising that women buy Ralph Lauren's clothes at all.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Random Lyric Time

"I don't wanna stay at your party

I don't wanna talk with your friends

I don't wanna vote for your president

I just want to be your tugboat captain"

I Have Seen The Enemy And It Is... On Channel 47

Instead of worrying about actual wars in the Middle East, Obama has declared war on Fox News. Sure, having hundreds of other media agencies around the world humping his leg and giving him long distance fellatio in the form of unquestioning adoration is fine, but Obama needs total prostration at the foot of his neo-marxist administration.

From, "The take-no-prisoners turn has come as a surprise to some in the press, considering the largely favorable coverage that candidate Obama received last fall and given the President's vows to lower the rhetorical temperature in Washington and not pay attention to cable hyperbole. Instead, the White House blog now issues regular denunciations of the Administration's critics, including a recent post that announced "Fox lies" and suggested that the cable network was unpatriotic for criticizing Obama's 2016 Olympics effort. White House officials offer no apologies. "The best analogy is probably baseball," says Gibbs. "The only way to get somebody to stop crowding the plate is to throw a fastball at them. They move." "

We haven't had a president this paranoid about the press since Nixon, but since I'm a baseball fan, I'll first point out how stupid Gibbs' analogy is. Even if Fox News is "crowding the plate", we've all seen how the President throws. You can't brush back a batter when they know you throw like a girl. In other words, they won't move. And eventually they'll score. But I think my main problem with Obama being annoyingly concerned with a single news channel, on cable, that doesn't agree with every little thing that he says can be summed up thusly...

Hey Mister President, stop being such a whiney little bitch and do your fucking job!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I Need To Stop Falling Asleep With The Television On

I had a dream about James Rosen of Fox News. Yeah I know, he totally looks like former Phoenix Suns player, Jeff Hornacek. Anyway, in the dream I was at the park having lunch sitting on a bench. I was drinking coffee and he walked by wearing a walrus mask and whistling All You Need Is Love. "Beatles fan, huh?" "What? How did you know I wasn't a David Crosby fan?" he said. "Well, the Sgt. Peppers suit is kind of a give-away. You must be a really big Beatles fan. Would you like a ham and cheese sandwich", I said. "Sure" he said, "and I'm also quite the hair lock afficionado." While he was eating his sandwich, he mentioned something about how legalising handguns in Washington D.C. might lead to more crime in an already crime-ridden city. I countered,"Handguns in the possession of law-abiding citizens would actually lower crime because criminals might be hesitant to rob someone if they knew they were going to get their face blown off." He stupidly disagreed, to which I said,"If you can produce one study that shows an increase in crime when law-abiding citizens own guns, I will get you a lock of both Paul McCartney's and Ringo Starr's hair." He squealed, "I'll get that study, or die trying!" and scampered off across the park. Just then, I noticed Yoko Ono getting out of a Rolls Royce Silver Cloud to walk her Muensterlander in the park. I yelled to Rosen, "And I'll shave Yoko's head for free!"

postscript: I'm well aware a psychiatrist could interpret all sorts of things from this dream, but I'm more disturbed that I had a dream with Yoko Ono in it and I wasn't bludgeoning her with that Muensterlander for what she did to the Beatles.

Stop Me If You Think You Haven't Heard This One Before

After reading this article, I have to say that although I like Craig Ferguson and think he is a funny comedian, sometimes when people in a specific industry speak off the cuff, you learn things about that industry that you didn't really want to hear. With regard to the David Letterman extortion/cheating on his live-in fiasco, comedians have been holding back, or not telling jokes at all. Ferguson said, "If we are now holding late-night talk show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergyman, I'm out". Did you get that? He's not telling jokes about Letterman because that would be holding someone morally accountable who shouldn't be held to the same moral accountability. Which logically would mean that they shouldn't be telling jokes about John and Kate, or Britney Spears or O.J. or basically everyone they currently make fun of, because, for some reason, they shouldn't be held morally accountable for the stupid things that they do. Because they are not politicians or clergymen or something. An even more interesting point about the comment is that the reason comedians make jokes in the first place is to hold someone accountable. A joke isn't a joke, it is a moral judgment, made by a person who is not morally accountable for their own behavior. I guess if you want to make a joke about someone, you first have to make sure the standards you hold your own behavior to are lower than whoever you are mocking. I would make some comment about comedians being able to dish it out, but not being able to take it, but that would make me as bad as those people who criticized Roman Polanski and his child rape fiasco.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Don't Tread On Norway

Norway is the best place to live according to the UN. The United States is the 13th best place to live in the world. "The top ten countries listed on the index are: Norway, Australia, Iceland, Canada, Ireland, the Netherlands, Sweden, France, Switzerland and Japan." "The index compiled by the UN Development Programme (UNDP) ranks 182 countries based on such criteria as life expectancy, literacy, school enrolment and gross domestic product (GDP) per capita." It does make me wonder what would happen if most of the countries ahead of the U.S. were forced to expend more of their GDP to defend their own countries. Would that reduce their GDPs? Would some of that money come out of health care or education? Probably. But then again, America is terrible. We don't give enough of our money to other countries. We don't damage our economy enough in support of environmental caps (which the rest of the world doesn't feel like implementing either, by the way). We monger war and respond to imaginary threats as if we somehow learned something from those world wars we had a few years back. It's not surprising then that so many of these countries think of America as the greatest threat to world peace is it?

Why I Have Underworld Memorized

I normally couldn't care less about so called men's magazines or their limp-wristed dandy opinions, but apparently Esquire magazine is trying to make the case that Kate Beckinsale is the sexiest woman alive. I have to admit, they make a very good argument. Especially when you consider the video evidence.