Wednesday, December 30, 2009

This Year Let Me Be Clear

Knowing how perfect the media thinks Barack Obama is, this must seem like blasphemy, but it's that time of year again! Time for Barack Hussein Obama's New Year's resolutions!
  1. I will admit that I am a total chode.
  2. I will understand that the "some people" I keep complaining about is now 90% of America.
  3. I will tell Michelle that when she admitted that she was proud of America for first time just because her husband won the nomination for president, she was being a total bitch.
  4. Will have testicles reattached after #3.
  5. I will understand that I can only be arrogant if I've actually accomplished something.
  6. Will finally get up the courage to tell Rahm to tone it down. Seriously, what a spazz!
  7. I will finally produce my birth certificate showing where I was born. And boy, will they be surprised!
  8. I will begin to understand that the value of the dollar is inversely proportional to how much of it I piss away.
  9. After 2009, I will completely understand when people blow me off if I say, "Let me be clear..."
  10. Will admit that my real name is Sean Medlock, and that I ran for office with the name Barack Hussein Obama on a dare. I mean, come on, who would vote for a Barack Hussein Obama? That is such a terrorist name!
  11. I will make most of the U.S. pay a lot more for health insurance while seriously diminishing the quality of their health care. Take that America!
  12. I will buy Michelle more ammo belts.
  13. Will get a new cellphone contract. These calls to Venezuela and Iran are killing me!

Monday, December 28, 2009

The Buck Stops Here, Right After Pilates

Wow, Obama has sternly called for the immediate release of all who have been unjustly detained within Iran from Hawaii. I'm sure he was being taken very seriously by the Iranian leadership, especially since he said this from the furthest possible place he could be from Iran, and on vacation. And also because they've been ignoring him for most of his presidency. Obama, between rounds of golf and going to the gym, also "promised to stand behind Iranians during the "extraordinary events," saying that he was "confident that history will be on the side of those who seek justice." " That's so nice to hear! And just in time too! No, maybe not "just in time", maybe months too late. Like maybe this would have been slightly useful in June, when serious protests first flared up. Maybe it would have been slightly useful to have maintained diplomatic pressure for months and then supported the Iranians who were protesting before their elections re-elected the same individuals who are cracking down on those who as Obama now says, "have sought nothing more than to exercise their rights". Maybe months ago when he still had political capital and international credibility this would have been useful. But now, especially since this wasn't a policy speech, but more of a weekend-y wrapup speech (which also included his comments on the Christmas day terrorist plane plot where he also vaguely threatened people), it just looks like more empty words.

You People Should Be Ashamed Of Yourselves!

So tell me America, if that is your real name, did you really think you were going to get away with it? Bribing U.S. congressmen just to get some cash funnelled your way?! Getting a nice big pork pie for your state, huh? Don't try denying it, we've got a papertrail a mile long. You think we don't know you hired these people? You think we don't know everything? Shame on you! And using these poor defenseless little middlemen like Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi to do your dirty work! That is low. Did you think we weren't gonna figure out that they're not smart enough to hatch a scheme this big? I mean, they still have to have mittens pinned to their sweaters when they go off to work. Choosing rubes like this to do your dirty work, it's's like you were trying to get caught! Nice job, America, real nice. I hope you realize how much trouble you're in, cuz it's the Big House you're gonna get! That's right, the Graybar Hotel, the Stoney Lonesome, the slammer, Stripe City, baby! Now, come on, come on now, stop your crying. Maybe we can work something out. Maybe you keep your mouth shut, got that? Maybe you don't complain when you get that tax bill this year. Or next year either, right? And it wouldn't hurt if you throw a few bucks into some re-election campaigns, see? Maybe we can make all this go away if you help out some of those poor Democrats you were so mean to this summer. They're the real victims here, you realize that, don't you? All you people who show up, yelling at them, calling them crooks, saying that they wasted your money. You've got some nerve! Do you know how bad that makes'em feel? And what's worse, you threaten to take away their jobs?! That now you're not going to vote for them, huh?! As if they are the ones who did something wrong! Sheesh! After all, it's not bribery if you use someone else's money, right? Now get outta here! I can't stand the sight of yous! And don't let me hear about anyone losing control of Congress in November, or I'll be back! And, boy, will you be sorry!

The Duct-Tape Is To Keep My Brains From Falling Out

Real Clear Politics carelessly provides this quote from Barack Obama, knowing full well that it will result in aneurysms, conniptions and general head explosions for people who hear it and try to grasp the exact moment when reality imploded on itself. Here is the quote.

"In the long run we can't continue to spend as if deficits don't have consequences, as if waste doesn't matter, as if the hard earned tax dollars of the American people can be treated like monopoly money, that's what we've seen time and time again, Washington has become more concerned about the next election than the next generation."

Let me be clear (that's right, I can do it to!), this is the same president who looked at George Bush's Budget Busting Bailout of the Banks and said, "Pfftt, you call that bankruptcy?", and then unleashed his "stimulus" package to the tune of $787 billion. This is the guy who looked at George Bush's increase of our national debt over his eight years as president by $5 trillion and said, "I don't understand the value of money," and then decided to drive up the budget deficit by $1 trillion, in only one year! Let's also not forget that a substantial portion of the "stimulus" will be payed out right before the next election, (but that's just a coincidence). This Ken-doll of a president actually has such a lack of awareness that he says this even though there are rumors of another stimulus bill on the horizon (because the first stimulus doesn't seem to have worked). This quote alone makes me wonder if presidential elections have an opt-out clause. But the forefathers of this nation thought of everything to try to make us stonger, including making us live with our mistakes. It's right there in the Constitution, spelled out for all to see, "NO BACKSIES".

The Party Of The Confederacy

Chris Matthews (a real person!) of MSNBC (not a real news network) calls the Republican party the party of the Confederacy because a member of the Democratic party, Parker Griffith of Alabama, switched parties to the Republican party. See, he's from a southern state, you know what that means, right? I guess the Democrats weren't the party of Confederacy when Congressman Griffith was still a Democrat. And I guess the Democrats weren't the party of the Confederacy when they let former member of the Ku Klux Klan, Senator Robert Byrd, cast the 60th vote for their health care "reform" bill. But who can blame Chris Matthews for having such steely logic? With an IQ of almost 85, he may be the smartest person at MSNBC.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Random Lyrics? You Better Believe It Mister

I've gotta double down
even if I can't be proud.

At least I'm gonna try
even if I don't know why.

I want someone to blame
cause I'm never gonna be the same.

I'll suffocate in shame
but we're only going down in flames.

Please note: These lyrics have absolutely nothing to do with the present health care "reform" vote.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

The Monkey...Has Become The Master!

Track-A-'Crat calls the title of this article the Best. Headline. Ever. Sorry, that title goes to this one. But in my opinion, it is the awesomest news article ever written... evah! It has everything that both civilized and uncivilized man considers awesome; monkeys, martial arts, monkey shenanigans, the student-becoming-the-master story (except in this case, the student is a monkey!), and finally, the master reasserting his badass dominance with swift, harsh monkey justice. It even mentions Bruce Lee! If the article had mentioned philly cheesesteaks, watermelon Jolly Ranchers, and an Alfa Romeo in a Steve McQueen car chase, I would have passed out. And then when I came to, I would have had the inevitable existential quandary of why I should go on living, knowing that that level of awesomeness would never be achieved again. Ever. Here is the article, with its accompanying picture(awesome!), in all its awesome glory.

"Taekwondo monkeys attack trainer
A troop of performing monkeys instructed in the martial art of taekwondo has taken revenge on their trainer. Lo Wung, 42, taught the monkeys so they could entertain crowds outside a shopping centre in Nshi, in eastern China's Hubei province. But the money-spinning primates turned the tables on their trainer when he slipped during a show, with one quick-thinking monkey flooring him with a kick to the head. Hu Luang, 32, a bystander who photographed the incident, said: "I saw one punch him in the eye - he grabbed another by the ear and it responded by grabbing his nose. They were leaping and jumping all over the place. It was better than a Bruce Lee film." At one point the monkey trainer grabbed a staff to hit the monkeys, only to find himself facing a stick-brandishing monkey that cracked him over the head. He only managed to get the monkeys under control by tangling them up in the rope that had been used to stop them running off. Mr Hu said: "He was really furious, he made the monkeys kneel on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs to punish them and make them show remorse for
their nasty attack." "

Track-A-'Crat doesn't just get a hat tip for finding this article, he gets a big 90 degree Obama-esque bow.

Let Me Be Clear...

The president is having trouble with his second language again. Here's a quote from

"THE PRESIDENT: Hello, everybody. We just had a very productive session about the final stages of healthcare reform in the Senate. And from the discussions we had it’s clear that we are on the precipice of an achievement that’s eluded congresses and presidents for generations — an achievement that will touch the lives of nearly every American."

That's right, he said precipice. As in "Poor Rutiger was hiking the Himalayas when he fell into a precipice and was never seen again." You'll also notice that he said this achievement will touch the lives of nearly every American, as opposed to, let's say, improving the lives of every American. Yikes. I really hope he got that wrong, but if he didn't, I think I've finally got a handle on how to write a speech for Obama. Here are some suggestions for his next speech.
  • We are hanging from the precipice, over the jagged rocks of debt relief, and, let me be clear, it is time to let go.
  • We will soon be embarking on a journey across the barren desert of a new green economy, and we must leave behind our canteens of doubt.
  • We are on a runaway train of progress, heading toward an embankment made of hope.
  • With the passing of healthcare reform, we can finally drink deeply from that bowl of strychnine that history provides for us.
  • We must leap from this plane of the status quo and not let their parachutes of criticism hold us back.
  • The new emission standards will herald a new era, an era which strangles and violates America toward a better tomorrow.
  • The policies which I will enact will provide a quagmire of wealth redistribution. A quagmire so deep that our founding fathers would view this achievement with awe.
  • Let me also say this: The promotion of human rights cannot be about extortion alone.
  • As we drive this nation forward through the darkness of the future, our headlights must be turned off to those who would criticize.
  • “I reject the false choice between securing this nation and wasting billions of taxpayer dollars.”

Oh, wait, he really did say that last one. Yikes. Again.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

What Goes With Shrimp Tacos?

If anyone sees Obama today, ask him to show you his Nobel Peace Prize. Oh, and also ask him if he ordered the hot sauce to go with his tacos.

Monday, December 7, 2009

It's Not A Lie If Everyone Believes It

If anyone is confused about whether global warming is a hoax, consider these graphs. The first one is what climate scientists used to agree on, way, way back in 1990.

And this graph is what they turned the above into. The same data is used, only more creatively.

You'll notice the Medieval Warm Period is gone in the new graph, as well as the Little Ice Age, despite the fact that we know these historical events occurred. How did they do this? Read here. It's hard to believe that a scam this obvious hasn't been exposed sooner, especially in the scientific community. Climate scientists and global warming propagandists like to say that the science is settled, but the fact that this lasted this long makes the "science" a bit unsettling.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Random Lyrics? Yeah, OK, Whatever

They lied about the way
things were gonna be.

They lied about the things
they wanted from me.

They lied about the reasons
they wanted me at all.

And now

I sit around and lie to myself
about how great things were way back when.
I keep forgetting why I was so willing to believe those lies.

Thursday, December 3, 2009