Thursday, December 23, 2010

Anyone Who Laughs At This Should Be Arrested

Why Did Jon Stewart Cross The Road?

Because the White House told him to. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs gave Stewart a delicious toffee during a Tuesday press conference because, like a good little puppet, he furthered the media meme that Republicans are big ol' meanies who hate adorable puppies and orphans. There can't be anything deeper than that when Republicans do anything, right? What wasn't mentioned at this press conference, (or by Jon Stewart for that matter)? That Democrats could have easily passed the bill on their own when they had a filibuster-proof Congress instead of doing it now during the lame duck session. I'm not sure whose turn it was to brief Jon Stewart this time, but we already know Tim Geithner's got the job whenever Jon Stewart needs to parrot something on the economy. And if you're keeping score via Jim Treacher's clown nose on/clown nose off thing, it's clown nose off.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

What Would Me Do?


Rahm Emanuel Is The New Mayor of ChicagoLand!

Via The DrudgeReport, people are actually challenging the fact that Rahm Emanuel lived in Chicago these past two years even though he didn't actually live in Chicago these past two years. Yeah, I know, crazy. It seems that to be the mayor of Chicago you have to actually live there, and also prove that you've lived there for a year. In most places you would think the answer to the question, "Where has the President's chief of staff, who has lived in Washington D.C. these past two years, lived these past two years?" With the answer being, "Not Chicago". But, this is Chicago. What Rahm Emanuel is saying is that even though everyone knew he was in Washington D.C., he was simultaneously living in Chicago. It's like quantum mechanics, except instead of electrons, you have douchebags. Of course if Chicagoans really do buy this lode of squirrel leavin's (keeping in mind Rahm's ability to bend facts, threaten people with dead fish and the media's sychophantic loyalty to him), he's pretty much Chicago's mayor already. Because if he can argue that he was in two places at once and win, are you really going to argue that he didn't win the election even though he didn't get the most votes?

Where Are The Robot Congressmen?

Did you see the news about the cars that drive themselves? Weren't we supposed to have these like in the sixties, along with jetpacks and food in pill form. And also monkey butlers. Technology was supposed to make our lives easier and jobs that don't require any intelligence or reason were supposed to be handled by cool looking robots with flashing lights. Which is why I also thought that we would have had robot politicians by now. Just in case robot designers need a helping hand, I've written a basic program that easily handles all the Constitutionally-appointed responsibilities of your typical congressman and/or senator.

SchumerBot5000 Program:

10 Get elected

20 Don't read bills

30 Waste trillions

40 Goto 10

Is This Still Racist?

Because it was last year for some reason.

Why Doesn't Anyone Take Obama Seriously?

What's that old line, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice...or is that three times? Anyways, at this point, the question isn't, "What will Obama do to help the economy?", it is, "What else will Obama be working on instead of the economy?" And even though I feel worse, economically-speaking, this year as compared to last year, Obama says the economy has been fine since he magically fixed it. But I guess that's obvious, isn't it?

Weapons Of Mass Destruction

We all know that because of September 11, we can't bring certain deadly, deadly items on planes anymore, like nailclippers, scissors, pocketknives or underwear, because terrorists have used those items attempting terrorist attacks. I can live with this, mostly because I don't have any choice in the matter. Which is the way Government likes it. They're not real big on whining or that silly Freedom of Speech crap that our uneducated Forefathers saddled them with. As our government continues to tell us, with infinite power comes infinite wisdom, so who am I to question what and why items are banned? But recently I was shopping on the internet for a present for my nephew, when I noticed this warning in the shipping section of the order form.


Due to FAA regulations, this item must be shipped via ground.

I was ordering a guitar.

CIA Unveils Top-Secret New Plane






Anthony Weiner Aptly Named

Watch the video and let the Weiner speak for himself.


Wow, what a petulant stupid jerk. As someone on another blog said, he looks like he's about a second away from stamping his feet and holding his breath because he's not getting his way. Nice job electing this guy, New York. No, I'm being serious. Because every day this guy is in Washington, that's another day where there's one less a-hole in New York.

This Made Me Laugh



Wow, I just realized I haven't posted anything this month. Time to remedy this malfeasance.

Dude, I'm Freaking Out Again.

I thought I had lost my mind when I agreed with Phil Jackson the last time, but now he's defending Christmas?
"It used to be Phoenix and L.A. and New York and Boston and New York or Philly or somebody on the East Coast,'' Jackson, speaking before Tuesday's game against Milwaukee at the Staples Center, said of the once much more reduced NBA schedule on Christmas. " Now, I see they have like six games (actually, five) on Christmas. It's like Christian holidays don't mean anything to (the NBA) anymore. You just go out and play and entertain (on) TV. It's really weird.''

That's twice in the same year that I've agreed with Phil Jackson. I may need to start drinking less. Or more.

p.s. And when did Yahoo Sports get taken over by such huge douchebags?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

This Is What I Do When I'm Bored

It's a battery-powered dual phantom-power supply for condenser microphones. I can't even remember the last time I set up a pair of microphones, but for some reason I felt like doing this because I happened to have the parts in front of me. Of course, I still have to finish my ZVex Fuzz Factory, a Pultec EQ, and a copy of a Universal Audio 1176 Limiter (that's been almost finished for like five years).

Monday, November 22, 2010

Dude, It's Sinking In!

I like music. Back in the day I was one of the cool indie kids going to see bands that no one had ever heard of. Normally going to shows (I don't anymore) involved getting called a Nazi if people happened to find out I was (gasp!) a Republican. It got intolerable after 2000, naturally. But no matter what, if you're involved in music(not country) or art(pretty much all of it), you usually have to put up with liberal politics. That's why I was kind of surprised when I heard something on My Chemical Romance's listening party debut for their new album. My Chemical Romance's albums always have a concept album thing going on and this album seems to be about a post-apocalyptic world or something. The video for the album preview features a DJ for this post-apocalyptic world saying this at about the 42 minute mark... "Okay kids, we got some more reports from the zones out there for ya, popular Fact News anchor Belinda 'Fury' Montoya was disintegrated yesterday by exterminators after it was discovered that she had been secretly giving piano lessons to neighborhood kids without a licence or government supervision..." Also interesting, when the DJ introduces the last song, you can hear the national anthem playing in the background and also at the very end of the 'broadcast'. Hmmmm... Keep in mind that these guys are from New Jersey(normally kind of liberal) and the lead singer is also an artist. The main point of Obama's agenda seems to be that government can keep expanding as long as it can get a foot in the door. If people outside of the hardcore news junky conservatives are realizing what's going on then hopefully undoing whatever damage Barack Obama does to this country isn't such a farfetched idea.

p.s. For the record(no pun intended), I really liked their last album. I've liked all of their albums, but that last one seems kind of special. And Liza Minnelli is on it... for some reason.

Friday, November 19, 2010

It's Time To Save The Republic

OK, Obama has been sucking more than usual. Apparently, even losing his filibuster-proof majorities because of incompetence is not going to set him straight. And hell if America can take two more years of this foolishness, so we need him outta there. Now. And since I'm a problem solver, here are some of the options I've come up with...
  • Waive him. It will be a tough hit on the salary cap, but we need to think about the future of this organization.
  • Evict him. Seriously, we own that place, we can kick him out. And who's going to take a homeless President seriously? Nobody, that's who.
  • Convince him that the White House is haunted.
  • Close the borders the next time he takes a trip.
  • De-Manchurianize him. Then get him his old job back at The Sizzler.
  • Tell him he won the lottery. Maybe he'll retire.
  • Put a bunch of catnip in the crawl spaces in the White House. That'll keep him busy for at least a couple years cause that place is huge.
  • Take away his teleprompter. It won't make him leave but at least it'll shut him up.

End Of The White Line For The Snow Queen?

I've been waiting to use this post for a while now, but apparently the Democrats are even dumber than I thought, so I had to rewrite it. I was going to mock Democrats, especially James Carville (he of the "Democrats will have a majority for 40 years" foolishness), but even I am flabbergasted by what they're doing. Let's see if I understand this, Howard Dean got tossed from the the head of the DNC after he led the party to filibuster-proof majorities, but Nancy Pelosi, who led the party to gigantic losses, gets re-elected. Either Republicans should be thrilled to death by such incompetence, or America should be scared to death because eventually these people will be back.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Thursday, November 4, 2010

How Bad Did The Democrats Lose On Tuesday?

Apparently voters sent a message to Democrats that even now they're unwilling to hear, but it's a doozy. The losses on Tuesday are worse than the losses Republicans had during Watergate. Which means that voters now hold Democrats in even lower esteem than the party of a President who criminally tried to fix an election and then tried to cover it up. If you didn't see this coming, it's probably because you get your news from the mainstream media. How bad is the media manipulation by this administration? Even comedy satire shows are used as tools for messaging.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

The Saddest Photo You'll See Today

Via Michelle Malkin


Someone Has Been Waiting For This Day For A Long Time


A Pre-Election Prediction

I don't think Democrat turnout will be high. They voted for change just two years ago and it hasn't come to anything. That's likely to be discouraging. I would also guess that turnout for Hispanics will be lower than normal, since Dems had a filibuster proof Congress that could have passed some sort of amnesty bill, and yet they didn't. I'm not sure how large the gay vote is for Democrats, but Obama has actually had a kind of hostile relationship with gays over Don't Ask Don't Tell, so that's not likely to help. Considering that Obama and the Democratic Congress has lost all their Republican votes and a large portion of Independents, it's really deadly to be missing parts of your base. Prediction for Dems? Bad. I already made my predictions, but maybe it will be be even worse, like losing the Senate. What does this mean for 2012? The culture wars are going to go into high gear, which is even worse for everyone.

Monday, November 1, 2010

It's Not The Economy, Stupid.

Before Obama even has a chance to pour a forty on the curb for his fallen Dems-in-arms, the media's meme will already be hardened like concrete, "The economy was so bad there was nothing Democrats could have done." And in their minds, that is the only reason. That's weird, because they had quite a bit of forewarning that it was everything but the economy. Every time they proposed new legislation, they had pushback that was well-documented by polls that what they were doing was wrong, and yet they didn't seem to care. Keep in mind that until recently, pollsters still showed that more people blamed Bush than Obama for the poor economy, and yet the Democrats numbers have been falling since May of 2009. That's when the American people started to get a good look at the liberal agenda of spend-and-don't-stop-till-someone-kicks-us-out-of-office. They could have been tipped off when Democrats in Virginia and New Jersey lost to fiscally conservative Republicans, but they weren't. When Scott Brown won in deep blue Massachusetts, the writing was on the wall. From Rasmussen via Hotair, "Fifty-six percent (56%) of voters in the state say health care was the most important factor in their voting decision. Brown made it clear in the closing days of the campaign that he intended to go to Washington to vote against the health care plan proposed by President Obama and congressional Democrats." How obvious was it? Here's since-retired Senator Evan Bayh's take,
"Even before the votes are counted, Senator Evan Bayh is warning fellow Democrats that ignoring the lessons of the Massachusetts Senate race will “lead to even further catastrophe” for their party.
“There’s going to be a tendency on the part of our people to be in denial about all this,” Bayh told ABC News, but “if you lose Massachusetts and that’s not a wake-up call, there’s no hope of waking up.”
What is the lesson of Massachusetts – where Democrats face the prospects of losing a Senate seat they’ve held since 1952? For Senator Bayh the lesson is that the party pushed an agenda that is too far to the left, alienating moderate and independent voters.
“It’s why moderates and independents even in a state as Democratic as Massachusetts just aren’t buying our message,” he said. “They just don’t believe the answers we are currently proposing are solving their problems. That’s something that has to be corrected.”
"
But clearly, he was the only one, no? It's not like anyone else saw this coming, right?
"Congressional strategists had warned in the closing days of the Massachusetts Senate race that a Coakley defeat had the potential to trigger a series of retirements within the Democratic ranks as members flee a political wave that could wash out dozens in the House and high single digits on the Senate side.
"My message to my clients? Jump ship now," said one Democratic operative who advises a number of targeted Members of Congress. "Obama can't help you."
"
Whoops, I guess everyone saw it coming. And yet they went full speed ahead anyway, which makes Democrats who lose tomorrow and in 2012 more like sacrificial lambs to a freaked out liberal agenda than accidental victims of the economy. Just like the rest of us.

I Know It's Random Lyrics But I Don't Know Why

I catch the paper boy
But things don't really change
I'm standing in the wind
But I never wave bye-bye

But I try
I try

There's no sign of life
It's just the power to charm
I'm lying in the rain
But I never wave bye-bye

But I try
I try

Never gonna fall for (modern love)
Walks beside me (modern love)
Walks on by (modern love)
Gets me to the church on time
(Church on time) terrifies me
(Church on time) makes me party
(Church on time) puts my trust in God and man
(God and man) no confession
(God and man) no religion
(God and man) don't believe in modern love

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Election Prediction Time

I might as well get this over with now. Do Republicans win the House? Say goodbye to Nancy, cause she...is...outta...here! Although that's not much of a surprise. RealClear Politics has Republicans winning 223 seats now, which gives them a gain of 45 seats when they needed 39 to get a majority, and that's without even counting the 34 toss-ups, quite a few of which the Republicans can still win. Now, do Republicans win the Senate? Nah. Right now, RealClear has it 49 to 45 for the Dems. Unfortunately Barbara Boxer is not listed as a tossup anymore, which sucks. That leaves 6 tossup states.
  • Colorado-Republican win.
  • Illinois-I want to say Republican, but this is Illinois.
  • Nevada-Harry Reid loses! (I hope).
  • Pennsylvania-I'm leaning Republican here.
  • Washington-Poor Dino Rossi (R), That's like 3 lost elections in a row.
  • West Virginia-This should be a Republican pickup, but probably not.

Which leaves us at 51 Democrat senators, 49 Republicans, although it could be as bad as 53-47. I've still got my fingers crossed that something big will happen and surprise everyone. Barney Frank or Boxer losing would be good. Either way, it puts Obama's legislative reign of terror to an end. Now we get to see his presidential abuse-of-power side. Woohoo!

Addendum: And unfortunately I think Jerry Brown might win governor of California. Do I care because someone of a different political stripe won? No, I care because I live the next state over, and the same idiots that elect this trash are the first ones to leave after they make a mess of their own state. If they kept their mistakes in their own state, this wouldn't be so bad, but they're electing Jerry Freakin' Brown(via iowntheworld.com)...



Update: 11/4 Republicans won the House big. As for my senate predictions, out of the six, it looks like I got four right although some have moved on to hand counts. And the only one that surprises me is Colorado. What the heck happened to Colorado?

Shocking Obama Photo Discovered!


7 Days To Go...

Unless you want them to keep laughing.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Bill Clinton Needs To STFU

Bill Clinton is 'disturbed and ticked off'. Apparently this mighty paragon of truthfulness is upset that Republicans aren't telling the 'real' truth, that the economy is just fine and that people aren't out of work or something. But this quote really frosts my backside, "I almost gag when I hear these Republicans lambasting the president and the Democrats in Congress, 'Oh, they're such big spenders, they're just crazy, they're quasi-socialist,'" he said during the rally at the University of Michigan. "I have a simple question: Who's the last president to give you a balanced budget?" You're supposed to say, "You are, Bill Clinton!" without remembering that the only reason the budget was balanced back then was because Republicans had gained control of Congress because a certain president (guess who!) had pushed liberal garbage down the electorate's throat to the point that they kicked Democrats out of office in an historic election. (Hmmm, that sounds kind of similar to this year for some reason.) And another thing, we were trillions of dollars in debt during Clinton's terms, so "balancing the budget" is the same as saying, "Hey everybody! I'm still in debt, but I didn't spend more than I made this month." Now that's an accomplishment to crow about!

The Government Is An Entity Of Non-Suckage

Hey, if you're going to Jon Stewart's "Rally Against Glenn Beck" this weekend, keep your eyes peeled for a super awesome co-rally called "Government Doesn't Suck". Government workers will be marching in support of...government workers, because they don't like that people think they suck. So put away your misconceptions about the DMV, workers getting paid extravagantly for not doing much and the massive debt and... okay, I can't do it. They suck and there's no way around it. We're closing in on 14 trillion dollars in debt because of a stupid and wasteful government and 2 trillion of that is just in the last two years. In fact, that's the very definition of suck, or at least of a very large vacuum.

Exit quote in case you're not convinced of the government's non-suckage: "Government workers "are a lot of cool cats" who work hard, listen to good music and watch Stewart's "The Daily Show," "but that's all after they've spent a whole day keeping the country running," "

Thursday, October 21, 2010

What The Heck Is This?!

So I wanted to find a picture of Dick Cheney to photochop and put "Dick Cheney" in Yahoo's image search. This is what I got...

Results for dick cheney may contain adult-oriented content.Your SafeSearch filter must be turned off to display these results.

Really?

The Best Metaphor For Voting For ObamaCare That I've Seen So Far

Remember last year when Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid were trying to lasso in some votes for ObamaCare and they told those reticent Democrats how they could use their yes vote to campaign and get reelected, because ObamaCare was like totally going to be popular once people "found out what was in it"? Oddly enough, it hasn't worked out that way. Most polls are showing a tidal wave of lost seats for the Democrats, and also losing control of the House. They may even lose control of the Senate. But don't weep for those poor lost misguided little Democrats, they served their purpose. In fact, it's their own fault. They should have been suspicious when Nancy Pelosi asked them, "Would you rather be a potato or a carrot?"

She's A Goner

This makes me sad. Who's the newest police chief of a violence-plagued Mexican city? A cute 20 year old college student, because no one else wanted the job. Maybe they heard what happens to city officials in Mexico. Yikes.

"Is Valles scared? "Here everyone is frightened," she told Mexican news media. "We are going to exchange this fear for security." CNN also interviewed her. She said she's expanding her force, which will be mostly female and unarmed. "The weapons we have are principles and values, which are the best weapons for prevention," she told CNN en Español. "Our work will be pure prevention. We are not going to be doing anything else other than prevention." "

It's naive and just awful. Gee, I'm glad we have a smart diligent President here in the U.S. who fully understands what's going on on the border and is responding accordingly to prevent this violence from spilling over here.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

We Need The Kind Of Football Players Who Aren't Afraid To Put Feminine Products Up Their Noses

Joe Paterno says that to avoid the injuries we're seeing in football today, we should take away the facemask because it's a weapon. He didn't play with a facemask, so why should anyone today? Why do we have facemasks? Well, I have sort of a good story about that. My Biology teacher in high school was on one of the championship Oklahoma teams in the fifties and he was always telling us stories about how it was. Way back when, facemasks were only for players who had an injury to the face, like a broken nose. He told us one story where someone put an elbow to his face and busted his nose. He came back to the bench and got a helmet with a facemask, but his nose was bleeding too bad to go back in. So what did they do? They shoved junior-sized tampons up his nose. Apparently it was better than using gauze or something that couldn't be pulled out easily. Also, necessity is the mother of invention or something. As for Joe Pa's idea, I would agree, but I would go a step further, and I've been annoying people about this for years. Take away the helmet and the pads too. You can make a case that you should always have helmets (although football players have been using them as weapons for years) but I still don't know where having such huge pads came from. You would think that in a tough sport like football, you would laugh at someone who wasn't tough enough to go out there and play without all that stuff. But it started somewhere, and each year they just got more and more padding put on until they got to where they are now, using themselves as human missiles and then complaining about it.

p.s. On Monday Night Football, they were making a big deal about all the big hits the day before and how the NFL needs to suspend anyone who knocks a player out with a vicious hit. They then followed that by showing former Phoenix Cardinal Chuck Cecil making vicious hits and saying how awesome those hits were. Hilarious.
p.p.s. Pittsburgh Steeler James Harrison now says that if they change the rules to protect the namby pambys, then he's going to retire. And he's right.

How Democrats Get Elected

Ewwwww, now I'm all sticky. That's right, I've been exposed once again to the creepy machinations that get Democrats elected. Yeah, I know, it's hard to be shocked at how Democrats win elections, since they only win elections by getting dead people to vote, having felons vote, creating imaginary voters and somehow losing military ballots again and again and again and again. And now they're outright bribing people to vote. Apparently, the Dems are promising to give $250 checks to seniors (but I thought we were broke?) to make them forget the screwjob they'll be getting once ObamaCare goes into full effect. It's probably going to be a hard choice for seniors, buying the b.s. that Democrats will give them free money after the election and voting for them, or voting against the Democrats, you know, the people who are going to cut off seniors' life-extending healthcare since it's not as cost-effective as giving it to people who don't feel like working for it. Choices, choices.

Two Weeks To Go Before....


Friday, October 15, 2010

Ya Gotta Help Me Doc, It's The Random Lyrics!

I was driving on the freeway in the fast lane
With a rabid wolverine in my underwear
When suddenly a guy behind me in the back seat
Popped right up and cupped his hands across my eyes
I guessed, "Is it Uncle Frank or Cousin Louie?
Is it Bob or Joe or Walter?
Could it be Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?"
I probably would have kept on guessing
But about that time we crashed into the truck
And as I'm laying bleeding there on the asphalt
Finally I recognize the face of my hibachi dealer
Who takes off his prosthetic lips and tells me

Everything you know is wrong
Black is white, up is down and short is long
And everything you thought was just so important doesn't matter
Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of A Sudden Again

  • Why is it that they can't show smoking on television because supposedly kids would imitate it, yet they still show murders, rapes and Bill Maher.
  • Chess tournaments actually test for blood doping and anabolic steroids. Really.
  • You'd be surprised how many obscene gestures you can't make when you have a broken thumb.
  • Brazilians aren't hispanic: they don't speak Spanish.
  • Haiti leads the world in the export of cadavers. ((shudder))
  • Armored trucks aren't armored, they're just made out of thick aluminum.
  • Whether you only believe in creationism or evolution, people like Michael Moore are pretty much a failure of both.

Jerry Brown Is Pro-Women


Mr. Clean


Not To Jinx It But...


Friday, October 1, 2010

Wow, Those Sure Are Some Random Lyrics You Got There

Across the park, lights out tonight.
Suffocate the stars with light.
You hold my hand goodbye.
"tell me something brave tell me something kind" you sigh.

And you lied.
And I lied.
We're so kind?
What pretty little things we are.

You shot forth and braved the books.
I cut my teeth on filthy looks.
A last match love? It seemed so.
"Tell me something nice tell me something clean or go."

Saturday, September 25, 2010

And I Can't Even Remember My Phone Number

This makes me feel stupid(-er than normal). It's a check mate in sixteen moves by Joseph Henry Blackburne. What makes this really bad? He played this game blindfolded. What makes this even worser-er? For the most part, he normally played simultaneous blindfold games, which means this probably wasn't the only game he was playing at the time. So while this guy (he lived in the 1800's) could remember every move of every simultaneous chess game he was playing while blindfolded, I can't go to the grocery store without a list.

Friday, September 24, 2010

This Has Been A Really Retarded Week

In the news, I mean.

First a "retarded" woman was executed in Virginia. How could this have happened? Well, it seems that legal types have made it harder for lawyers to claim a defendent is "insane", so now the défense du jour is that their murdering defendent is totally retarded because those evidentiary standards are lower (for now). So how could a woman who arranged to have her son and husband murdered for insurance money be considered retarded? Well, according to the jury, she couldn't be. And now she died a nice peaceful death instead of the shotgunning she planned and carried out on her son and husband. She really was a horrible person, despite the sob story the media tries to write at the link above.

Second, Congress decided to change the term "mental retarded" to "an individual with an intellectual disability" in all federal laws. Is this political correctness run amock again? Yeah, probably, because it won't be long before "intellectual disability" obtains the same stigma that retarded has, in which case they'll have to change "intellectual disabilty" to something else. Of course, it could just be it got changed because people with intellectual disabilities got tired of being compared to Congress members(zing!).

And the most retarded...sorry... an individual with an intellectual disability-ness that you'll see all week? This....

Friday, September 17, 2010

Is Chess The Answer To The World's Problems?

No, that's a stupid question. But on the other hand, it might be the solution to the Ground Zero Mosque kerfuffle. The Russian president of the World Chess Federation has offered to pay $10 million to buy the property that's been proposed for the New York City mosque to build a chess center. How are they going to make money off a chess center? Maybe gambling and selling tickets to cage matches, but really I have no idea how a chess center works. For most of my life, I've been suspicious of the Russians, but I actually like this gesture, partly because I do like chess, but mostly because I've let my guard down since the end of the Cold War on account of their trampy promiscuous female spies. Will the owners of the property accept the offer? No, because they suck, but it would be cool if they did because I'm really tired of this story.

Jon Stewart Is Soooo Cool!

Oh, joyous freakin' day, they're gonna do it. The Democratic Party's version of Retarded and Fucking Retarded-er is going to hold a rally in WashingtonDC. Wanna "see Stephen Colbert flip a mirror to the Tea Party and show them just how ridiculous they are"? Then get set for October 30th, because that's the day they're going to ridicule the shit out of the stupids who attended Glenn Beck's rally. And why do they want to ridicule them? Because these stupids, these uneducated racists are worried about where this country is headed. How lame and unsophisticated! Of course, that's hardly a notion that's confined to those on the Right, but who cares, those Beck rally idiots were disproportionately White! (Only liberals have the correct ratio of race to avoid criticism) And sure, you may ask, "Hey, aren't these the tools from Comedy Central who didn't have the courage to stand up for free speech when the guys from South Park were threatened by Muslim jihadists?" Yep! But they will stand up to old White people. My goodness they are brave. But this is where the Democratic party and the Left, as its moral compass and intellectual rudder, have arrived: mocking other people because they've already lost every possible argument. Making fun of ordinary Americans with traditional values is so effin' hip, man! I do hope they do it though. I do hope they can stand up in front of all those memorials, without any awareness of the irony, to show the rest of America what the Democratic Party stands for. Stupid clowns standing up for stupid clowns everywhere. Way to go, asswipes.

p.s. Here's Jon Stewart! "You may be asking yourself, right now, sitting at home, but am I the right type of person to go to this rally," said Stewart. "The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to just, let's say, jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of holy books, strapping on a diaper and just pointing your car toward D.C. — that means I think you might just be right for it."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Castle Wasn't A Republican In Name Only

Well, Allahpundit is still throwing a hissy fit or whatever about getting his RINO-ey feelings hurt because "real" conservatives got Christine O'Donnell elected over Mike Castle in the Delaware Republican primary. One of the main complaints about Tea Partiers supporting O'Donnell was that they weren't thinking strategically. O'Donnell can't win in the general election so therefore they should have supported Castle. But why should they have supported Castle? Usually someone is slurred with being called a RINO if they are fiscally conservative, but socially liberal. Castle was neither socially conservative nor fiscally conservative. The main gripes that the Tea Partiers have with the government are that the government spends too much and they tax too much, both in outright taxes and in regulation. Castle fit this mold, even supporting Cap and Trade. Maybe the Tea Party was thinking strategically. What difference does it make to them if Castle (who got a nice call from Obama after he lost) or the Democrat Coons (also known as 'my pet') gets elected if they both support larger government and liberal fiscal policies? At least supporting O'Donnell gave them a chance to change Washington. Mike Castle wasn't a RINO, he was a Democrat that got contributions from the Republican leadership. Keep that in mind because it was Delaware Republicans that said Castle wasn't conservative enough. These weren't Arizona Republicans. Exit question and answer. Via twitter, Allahpundit snidely asks if "true" conservatives would have backed the RINO Castle if O'Donnell had lost the Delaware race. They always have, it's the RINOs who often take their ball home or switch teams.

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden

  • New cars only have one door with a keyhole. No, really, go look.
  • Mel Gibson is American. No seriously, go look it up.
  • The best part about arguing with people on the phone is slamming the phone down after the conversation is over. Doing that to someone in person is very hard on the back.
  • People who are younger than me have no idea what "slamming the phone down" means.
  • The Jews don't control the mainstream media, Muslims do.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

It's Random Lyrics Time For Some Reason

I walked in a straight line went up to the New York border
Been following datelines, honey. And I hit the snow.
I found where my fate lies wrapped up like a small novella
Contained by a hundred pictures all of you

What's The Difference Between Republicans And Democrats?

Last night a Tea Party-supported underdog won the Delaware Republican nomination for Senate. The initial, and frankly continuing, reaction by the Republican leadership was(is) to call the voters stupid. Last year when Democrats faced opposition to massive spending and their healthcare bill, they responded to voters the same way. If the default response for Republican leadership is the same as that of Democrats, i.e. "you're not as smart as we are, so vote for us and shut up", then why am I voting for either of you?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Things I Wish I Didn't Know

Every once in a while I like to watch that "I Was Bitten" show, usually for the gory disfigurement. Like the episode where the guy got bitten by a rattler and the surgeon had to make foot-long incisions in the guy's arm to relieve the swelling or his arm would have popped like an exploding sausage. It was gory, and yes, there was disfigurement. I also like the episodes that have an added twist beyond just the gory disfigurement. Like the one where the guy got bitten by some ridiculously rare snake which caused him to start bleeding from everywhere because his skin was failing. He was bleeding through his skin. The hospital had to have the antivenin flown in from across the country, but there was one problem: every plane had been grounded because it was Sept. 11, 2001. They had to get special permission to fly, so this one plane carrying the antivenin for this guy was the only plane flying that day in the entire U.S.A. So anyways, a few weeks ago I was sitting in a hotel in San Diego, not far from the ocean (where moray eels live), when an episode came on about some idiot who was feeding... moray eels. He was intelligently feeding hotdogs, which look a lot like fingers, to an eel when you'll never guess what happened. The guy got his thumb bitten off. Clean off. It was actually pretty horrible, and yes, there was gory disfigurement. Now here's the part I wish I didn't know. Those horrible menacing dagger-like teeth that moray eels have? Yeah, they're only there to hold their prey. When a moray eel latches onto things, like...say a guy's thumb, a second set of jaws down the eel's throat comes up and rips things, like this guy's thumb, off. Just imagine that alien from the Alien movie, only the moray eel's second set of jaws looks almost as big as his "outside " jaws. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Thank God he wasn't skinny dipping!" Indeed. But here's the twist. The thumb was torn clean off and, like most primates, thumbs are very important to us humans, so this guy had his toe taken off and reattached onto his hand. Read that last sentence again because I'm not sure you heard me. This guy now has a toe-thumb! So the moray...sorry, moral of this story is that if you're out swimming and you see a moray eel, you should probably get the hell out of there. And if you're skinny-dipping (and you're a man), keeping in mind that toes won't replace certain parts of the male anatomy, then you should also be screaming while you're getting the hell out of there.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Shock The (Taliban) Monkeys

Okay, even though I've been busy lately, there was no way I was going to miss this story from last month or whenever. It's one thing for terrorists to tie bombs to clueless humans, but using a monkey's naturally violent and devious nature by arming and training them to fight the infidels? Messed-up, but in kind of an awesome way. Being the world's foremost expert on monkey shenanigans that I am, I will answer some frequently asked questions.

Mike in Houston: Why do this with monkeys?

JavelinaBomb: Because it's awesome. And, it's probably pretty easy. Like atheists, most monkeys don't believe in heaven and, also like atheists, they're probably pretty suicidal. However, unlike atheists, if you promise them sexy virgins they'll believe anything you want them to believe.

Captain Cisneros in Houston: Why not just use atheists?
JB: Because they wouldn't wait to push the button.

Mel in Houston: Why aren't they using gorillas?

JB: Because most gorillas belong to unions and they would keep demanding more money.

Shirley in Houston: Couldn't the Taliban use flamingos as terrorists?

JB: No, because that would be totally gay.
Vladimir in Houston: How the heck did the Taliban convert a monkey to Islam? A giraffe I could see, but a monkey?

JB: You can imagine a giraffe being converted to Islam? That's weird. Anyway, you convert them the normal way (promising lots of afterlife sexy time), except you don't really need to promise them seventy virgins or whatever since monkeys will have sex with pretty much anything. You could pretty much promise them there'll be lawn furniture in heaven.

Susan in Houston: How did the Taliban get monkeys in Afghanistan? Are there jungles in Afghanistan that I'm unaware of?
JB: Probably. Also, they smuggle them in their girdles.
Shaniqua in Houston: Where did they get the monkeys?
JB: I just answered that.
Juan in Houston: Are there any specific problems with using monkeys instead of regular terrorists?
JB: Yes, goat rape. But to be fair, that was already a problem.
Meiwei Kuang in Houston: Are there any advantages to using monkeys instead of regular terrorists?

JB: Yes, less poop flinging. And monkeys don't lie about raping goats like regular terrorists do. They're actually kind of proud of it for some reason. Also, monkeys have enough common sense not to build a mosque on the spot where they blew up people.
p.s. And I have no idea what's going on with the spacing, Blogger's being really buggy right now.
OK, I was going to write a post about Obama going after John Boehner, but Dan Collins beat me to it. Well, I mean everyone beat me to it, but Signor Dan even used the term "far-right boogieman" which I had already crayoned in. Since I'm behind the curve on this one, I'll provide the analysis of Obama's new strategy, which goes something like this: What is this guy, stupid?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Thursday, September 9, 2010

What Would Ted Kennedy Do?

You might not know this, but this Saturday is The Edward M. Kennedy Day of Service and Rememberance. What did Ted Kennedy do to deserve this honor? He killed someone. No, that's not fair, he left someone to die in an overturned car that he had driven off of a bridge. Like a true hero who should be remembered for his service to others, he didn't try to rescue her. He also didn't call the police until the next morning, but he did call his lawyer that night, because, after all, this was an emergency. Ted Kennedy was given the honor of this day because his whole life was marked with this same kind of stupidity and selfishness and disregard for anyone besides himself, but this incident on its own best exemplifies just who Ted Kennedy was. Which is why Barack Obama chose to honor him on Saturday, which the rest of us refer to as September eleventh. So when you think of those firemen going back into the North Tower to rescue people after they had just watched the South Tower fall, just remember, what would Ted Kennedy have done?

Oh Noes! They're Inciting Me To Violence

I think it's time to burn some Korans. You see, these people are burning a U.S. flag because some minister in Florida might be holding a Koran burning party. Surely they know that most "moderate" Americans do not support this act of violence. So why would they fan the flames of hate that could make normally moderate Americans into violent radical Americans? It's just baffling. Of course, that Koran-burning minister may not go through with it, in which case these moderate Muslims will have burned an American flag without any provocation, just the threat of provocation. Which means they would be displaying the typically moderate violence that good Muslims are known for, but which it's apparently intolerant to point out. My favorite media meme is that we're not supposed to fan the flames of Islamic violence. Apparently we're just supposed to watch it burn.

p.s. Wouldn't it be wicked awesome if we had a President who got as upset over burning American flags as he does over burning Korans?

It's Football Prediction Time

I didn't pay any attention to the preseason and yet I feel compelled to make some NFL predictions. First, my two teams. The Cardinals don't have Warner anymore, but thankfully, they're still in the same crappy division. If Derek Anderson works out half as well as Warner, they still have a chance to win this division. If not, then probably San Fran wins the NFC West. Since the Cards didn't come to Arizona until 1988, my adopted team was the Steelers. They're missing Big Ben until probably the fifth game, but they usually start out slow anyway. If he starts out slow starting from the fifth game, they're done for because Baltimore and Cincy both look like they're going to be good. I'd probably take Baltimore to win the AFC North no matter what.

AFC East- Either the Jets or the Patriots, with second place probably getting to the playoffs anyway. Buffalo looks bad, and Miami looks like they're backsliding.

AFC South- Colts to win, Titans to get the other wild card. Jacksonville and the Texans not doing so well. I mean, seriously, the Texans picked up Leinart(?!).

AFC West- San Diego wins, the Broncos might make it close, KC gets to watch. The Raiders continue their off- and sometimes on- field horror show.

NFC North- Minnesota probably wins the division, but Green Bay keeps getting better, though the Packers lost some stupid games last year. Jay Cutler's a punk so I don't see da Bears doing any better than last year. The world continues to weep for Detroit.

NFC East- Still the division where every team matches up with every other team. I lean toward the hated Cowboys, but the Iggles or the Giants could be strong enough to win this division. I just don't see the winner (or wildcard) going very far in the playoffs, unless Jerry Jones freaks out midseason.

NFC South- Atlanta's a solid team, maybe the wild card if the Eagles or the Giants don't do well, but New Orleans wins this division pretty easy. Tampa and Carolina don't look so hot.

I don't see the top teams this year being any different from last year, though there's usually a couple of surprise teams. I just can't figure out who. I'm not going to pick the playoff or Superbowl yet, but I'll make a much worse prediction. The league will have a lock-out/strike and we're probably going to lose the 2011 season. The new head of the players union is an Obama-bot, complete with the stupid "playing in the NFL=slavery" and "socialism is awesome" rhetoric. I hope I'm wrong, but it might be good to enjoy this season a little more than usual.

p.s. Also, I pick Minnesota to win the opener, though it should be a good game either way.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Sensuously Applying Rule Five

So anyway, while I was perusing headlines of various newspapers, I came across this title,"Topless sunbather accused of sensuously rubbing in sun cream". Needless to say I was aghast. A 26 year old Italian women named "Luisa" was accused of indecency on the beach. The problem wasn't that she was topless, the problem was the way she was putting on suntan lotion. A quote from the lady's lawyer in her defense; "Let's be clear my client is tall, brunette and has an ample breast and is therefore going to naturally be sensuous when she applies cream to her chest." No, I didn't make that quote up. Also, purrrrrrr... Since the article didn't include a picture of the scofflaw, I though it would be helpful to include photos of Monica Bellucci, because she also is Italian, tall, brunette and... um... the other thing.




















And If you don't know what rule five is...

It's Like Random Lyrics or Something

Moving on the floor now babe you're a bird of paradise
Cherry ice cream smile, I suppose it's very nice
With a step to your left and a flick to the right
You catch that mirror way out west
You know you're something special and you look like you're the best

I've seen you on the beach and I've seen you on TV
Two of a billion stars, it means so much to me
Like a birthday or a pretty view
But then I'm sure that you know it's just for you

Hey now, woo! Look at that! Didn't it nearly run you down?
At the end of the drive, the lawmen arrive
You make me feel alive, alive alive
I'll take my chance cause luck is on my side or something
I know what you're thinking, I tell you something, I know what you're thinking

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I'm Packin', Yo!

So anyway, in addition to enacting what's left of Arizona's anti-illegal immigration law tomorrow, Arizona is also enacting our concealed carry law. Arizona becomes one of three states that allow their citizens to carry a handgun concealed without a permit. I know what your saying, "How are you going to coordinate your wardrobe with your piece?" The obvious answer would be to wear a leather trench coat and tie two shotguns under each shoulder because that would be totally badass. Unfortunately for us Arizonans, it's hot and sweaty at the moment, so that doesn't leave a lot of options that go with a t-shirt and shorts except one of those tiny little Keltecs. But if I do end up in a tuxedo later in the evening, sipping a very dry martini at the Chemin de Fer table, I'm going with the Sig P230.

Breaking News! Sandwich Ordered

Maybe you missed it but a federal judge struck down the Arizona anti-illegal immigration law in a lawsuit that Obama brought against Arizona. You know, because he felt that needlessly politicizing a state law would be good politics. And while Barack Obama didn't feel the need to take any political heat today when the judgement was handed down, and his biggest fans ever, the media, hardly felt the need to sully his sterling image with the commoners' problems, they did report on other Obama related news. And here it is, the sub that President Barack Obama ordered to go, a half of a #5 at the Tastee Sub Shop in Edison, New Jersey. The NY Daily news described it as, "a salivating symphony of pressed ham, boiled ham, salami, capicola, prosciuttini and provolone." Wow, that almost makes me forget about all those dead Mexicans in the desert.

Democrats Can't Do Math

Democrats are losing it while trying to rally the troops, and their math skills seem to be suffering because of it. They sent out a memo to try to explain how they are not going to lose the House, no siree, Bob.

"Here's the memo's argument about the number of seats in play:

Republicans will need to win 39 seats to take back the House. Democrats will win at least four Republican seats (the best opportunities include: LA-02, HI-01, IL-10, DE-AL, FL-25). As a result, the real number of seats Republicans will have to pick up to win a majority is at least 43. "

Ummm, no, Republicans still need to win 39 seats. All 435 seats are up for election. Right now Republicans have 179 seats and they need 39 seats to get to a majority. The idea that Republicans need to win 43 means that Dems don't think they'll lose any seats they hold now. The interesting logic comes when the memo says they will win at least four Republican seats. Well, if you take the "best opportunities" seats listed, 4 of them are listed as a tossup or lean Democrat in polls (FL-25 leans Republican). That's all fine and good, except those four races are the only Republican seats leaning or a tossup for Democrats. You know how many Democratic seats lean Republican or are tossups? 54! So by House leadership memo logic, Democrats will win 4 Republican seats, but Republicans will win 54 Democratic seats. 54 minus 4 equals a gain of 50 seats. For Republicans.

h/t Gabriel Malor

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Team....Kerry?

Recently Massachusetts Senator John Kerry got into a little bit of trouble for docking his yacht in tax-free Rhode Island rather than in insatiable-tax-monster Massachusetts. The boat he bought in Rhode Island is estimated to have cost $7 million dollars, which amounts to about $500,000 in sales tax to be paid to Massachusetts. In addition to this, Massachusetts expects him to pay an annual excise tax of $70,000. Now, I'm not going to go into the hypocrisy of someone like John Kerry, a serial tax imposer, trying to dodge taxes. There are many, many, many examples of someone like John Kerry writing laws that they never imagined they would be subjected to. But here's my problem, he bought the boat in Rhode Island! Regardless as to where he docks the boat, why should he have to pay sales tax to Massachusetts if the boat was bought in another state? I get the schadenfreude of sticking it to a hypocritical politician, but in this specific case, I would rather stick it to a greedy bankrupt state, like Massachusetts, which can't stop finding new ways to tax their 'subjects' because they're too effin' stupid to stop spending.

It's Usually Best If You Don't Ask Me About My Hobbies

So anyway, I was pricing chloral hydrate on the internet for ... um ... a school project .... when I ran across a little tidbit o' knowledge. Because of the chlorination process of city water supplies, there is actually some chloroform and chloral hydrate in your tap water. This is only on the order of one thirtieth of a part per million, so you're probably safe. But if you suddenly wake up not remembering why you're on the kitchen floor, or whether your pants were buttoned or unbuttoned when you fell asleep, it was probably ... the tap water.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Random Lyrics?! Umm...No

OK, this is where I would have put some random lyrics from some song that most people don't know anyway. I decided to go with a playlist. Side A is Heavier, Side B is nicer.

Side A
  • The Buzzcocks-Harmony In My Head
  • Jon Spencer Blues Explosion-Full Grown(language warning, ask your parents)
  • Pissing Razors-Dodging Bullets
  • Unsane-Sick
  • Queens Of The Stone Age-3's And 7's

Side B

  • David Bowie-Modern Love
  • Camera Obscura-Honey In The Sun
  • Pia Fraus-Japanese Heart Software
  • The Primitives-Secrets
  • STAR-Artificial Planes

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of A Sudden. Again

  • When the police come by asking about recent hit and runs in the area, apparently having "Murdersaurus" scrawled on your truck in human blood is some sort of tip off.
  • If I wore dress pants in the traditional manner, I would wonder why they are harder to take off than regular pants.
  • When people talk about someone's "meteoric rise", do they realize that meteors don't rise, they fall. From the sky. And crash.
  • There's an old line that says you shouldn't mock the dead. But mocking the living also has its share of problems, especially if the living have guns.
  • When Joe Biden looks in the mirror, do you think he sees what we see, or do you think he sees some random dude with a mustache?
  • I certainly hope France (the country) knows that banning face veils will present an undue hardship on ninjas. They're the real victims here.

They're Beginning To Understand!