Sunday, March 21, 2010

Sigh, It's Random Lyric Time

Remember when I felt like goin' out?
Remember when I had all these things to figure out?
You struck me blind.
How blind could I have been? How blind could I have been?
Reason strikes again.

Man, we were on our way to the savior
to change our behavior.
The painting was peeling.
It fell from the ceiling.
In pieces we ate it.
The lead made us all go insane.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

The Y'All Line

A lot has been made about Democrats saying that the new Healthcare "Reform" bill making its way through Congress can be passed without actually voting on it, that it can be passed by merely "deeming" that it has been passed. And obviously, people who think the Constitution is the basis for our laws are throwing hissy fits, but seriously, try it. Deeming is fun! You can deem that you already paid your rent, or that you aren't fat, or that you weren't really going over the speed limit, Officer. Which leads me to something I've wanted to declare for a long time, but couldn't because I'm not a professor of linguistic anthropology specializing in the ethnolinguistics of the southern United States (with a minor in post-modern interpretive dance). But now I can, because I have deemed that I can. So therefore, I declare the existence... of the Y'all Line. I know, awesome, but calm down please. Anyways, this is a line in the southern U.S., most likely located in western Texas and running North/South, which separates Americans who say "y'all" and those who say "you all". I was first made aware of the phenomenon of the Y'all Line back in college, when one of the many transplants from Chicago asked me very sexily why we Arizonans always say "all" all the time. I sexily replied to her that that was silly until I started paying attention, which is when I realized that we Arizonans really do say "all" a lot. In fact, we don't generally say "y'all" at all in the Southwest, we say "you all" or the equally correct "ya'all" with a slight hiccup in the middle. "Y'all" is more characteristic of the Southeastern American dialect. And while Southeasterners pronounce "for" like fa, those of us on the western side of the Y'all Line pronounce it fer. Now these observations might not be true in all cases, but I have deemed that they are, so bite me.

p.s. If a Southeasterner asks you for some "all", they're really asking you for some "oil". They don't speak very correctly on the other side of the Y'all Line. Also, they put peanuts in their Cokes.

Just A Reminder...

...that back in the day, Shirley MacLaine was pretty darn cute. I also dig her in the movie "The Apartment". Yes, that Shirley MacLaine. Dan Collins reminded me over at POWIP, where he also expounds on the difference between racks and sweater puppies.

Things Are Getting Out Of Hand


This has been a bad week or two of information I just as well could have lived without. First, we had Eric Massa, the Democrat from New York, who, as he was resigning, relayed a story about how Rahm Emanuel confronted him, in the nude, in the congressional showers because Massa wasn't voting the right way. Then as his resignation story revealed more details, we had sentences that included both the words "congressman" and "tickle fight", which, in my most horrible dreams, I never thought I would see in the same sentence. Today comes news that Dennis Kucinich, Democrat from Ohio, has changed his "no" vote to a "yes" vote on Barack Obama's healthcare overhaul bill. What changed? Barack Obama gave Kucinich a ride on Airforce One. He was voting "no" before he went on the plane, and now he's voting "yes". I don't know what happened on that plane. I don't want to know what happened on that plane. But I guarantee if the truth did come out, it would be Too Much Information.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Dude Looks Like A Lady

Obama's approach to the presidency is very "womanly". I didn't say it, someone who actually likes Obama said it, but I tend to agree. In fact, I'm surprised I didn't see it earlier. I guess the signs were all there, but maybe we just didn't want to see them. Like...
  • All he wants to do is talk.
  • He keeps nagging the Vice President to redo the kitchen.
  • The delicate way that he curtsies to every world leader.
  • He's very particular about his cigarette brand, Virginia Slims.
  • He keeps asking his chief of staff if his "mom" jeans make him look fat.
  • Between Barry and Michelle Obama, only one of them has an adam's apple....
  • Every time he gets into heated discussions over healthcare reform, he always ends up spending the evening alone, crying, with a gallon of Häagen-Dazs ice cream.
  • Barry's girlfriends keep telling him the Prime Minister of Iran ain't never gonna change and that he's just going to end up hurting Barry, but Barry just won't listen.
  • Every time he goes to a foreign country, he will not shut up about the fabulous shopping.
  • He's left handed!



This sounds like the American Medical Association is trying to divert attention away from the fact that doctors kill more people than guns and automobiles combined. The AMA wants taxes on pizza and soda to increase by 18%. How about this? Mind your own frickin' business, AMA, and stop shilling for the Democratic Party. And just for the record, as a Sicilian-American, I consider this to be racial profiling, and unless I receive a couple hundred million dollars and a lifetime supply of peperoni pizzas for free, I am filing a class-action lawsuit against the AMA for a couple hundred million dollars and a lifetime supply of peperoni pizzas. And some calzones.


Insomnia Theater Presents: Not Ben Affleck, But The Other Guy, You Know Who I Mean?

Powered by insomnia, I had a dream where I was in one of those smokey bars in New York City or Nueva York or whatever it's called now, playing in a band. I was on piano, a Blüthner Model 11, and we were partway through Billy Joel's "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant", the part where "everyone said they were crazy, Brenda you know you’re much too lazy, and Eddie could never afford to live that kind of life." You know, that part. Anyway, that's when some guy who had been on his cellphone all evening stands up from his table and starts walking toward the stage. He looked like kind of a prick, like someone with an undeserved sense of superiority. It was Matt Damon. He steps on stage and walks over to my piano. At this point we abruptly stopped playing, not knowing what was going on. He leans over and says," I have to catch a plane, but I wanted to say I like that song. I just wanted you to know that, because my cab is outside and I have to leave." At this point Matt Damon somehow got his skull crushed in by a piano bench.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Oh Yes, They Call Him The Streak!

I know Obama's Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel has been known to be an aggressive negotiator and use somewhat naked language, but I never knew he could also be a naked negotiator. Apparently Rahm Emanuel had an argument with Representative Eric Massa (D-NY) because Massa wasn't voting for Obama's budget. And, oh, yeah, they were both naked and in the shower. I think most people assume that Democrats and Republicans think of themselves as being on a team, but I never knew they hit the showers together after a long day of...sitting around all day. While I can't figure out what the Chief of Staff of the President was doing in the showers of the House of Representatives, it does make you wonder what else Emanuel might have said.

  • They don't call me the Chief Of "Staff" for nothing.
  • The President may not like complete transparency, but I sure do!
  • How did you know I'm Jewish?
  • Why, yes, that is a "My Little Pony" tattoo.
  • If you drop that amendment, then I'll drop the soap.
  • You know the phrase, "You wash my back, I'll wash yours"? Well, around Washington, we take that literally.
  • Hey, who left a leather bag in the showers? It's getting ruined. Oh wait, that's just Nancy Pelosi.
  • In the Democratic Party, we believe in sharing everything, and I do mean everything.
  • MotherF#$%@!! split ends!
  • Can you tell Barney Frank to stop dropping the soap over there. I see him, I just don't care.

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Ya Gotta Be Kiddin Me! More Random Lyrics?

Criminals will always find, ways to cheat the wandering eye
across the seat, to where you're sitting.
It's a possibility, it's a possibility.
They might rip you off, then apologize, for all their crimes.

Nothing seems to fit the crime, when you know the criminal eye
is watching me, where I'm sitting.
It's an ordinary night, just an ordinary night.
Don't look so surprised, if they take it all, before your eyes.

Killing time with you, I know you think that I'm afraid (and I might be)

Friday, March 5, 2010

Look At Those Cat-Like Reflexes

Since Basil over at Basil's Blog feels the need to link video of a cat being tortured in a washing machine, I might as well link this cat video from over at Russ Emerson's blog. By the way, I think cats are the devil incarnate, so this is extra funny to me.

You Can't Sea Bass Until You See Your Baby

One of my absolute favorite jokes/stories. From an outstanding article in Cigar Aficionado magazine where Groucho Marx's son interviews George Burns.

"Although they liked each other, there was a running feud between Burns and Groucho that revealed itself in various comic ways. Burns' favorite dish was sea bass and he always ordered it when he was having lunch at the Round Table. But every time Burns ordered sea bass in front of Groucho, who wasn't averse to making a corny pun if he thought he could get a laugh from the group, would start to sing in a loud voice, "If you can't sea bass every night, you can't see mama at all," a parody of the famous Sophie Tucker lyric, "You've got to see mama every night, or you can't see mama at all." Burns thought it was funny the first time Groucho sang it and mildly funny the next time. But after Groucho kept it up every day for a month, Burns finally stopped ordering sea bass. He figured it was the only way to stop Groucho, who, once he latched onto a gag, loved to keep repeating it to bug his victim. "But I liked sea bass a little better than I liked your father," says Burns, "so one day at lunch I called the waiter over and whispered into his ear, 'bring me some sea bass.' And the waiter whispered back to me, 'if you can't sea bass every night, you can't see mama at all.' " "

Maybe We Need An Obfuscation Czar

My skull is all soft and squishy now. I'll admit, I should know better than to read anything at CNN. And,for the love of small animals, I really should have known not to read anything by David Frum. It seems that the Frum-meister thinks that the reason we have gridlock in Washington today is because we have too much transparency. That's right, too much transparency. This isn't just stupid, this is Ol' Yeller stupid, where we might have to take Ol' Frumer behind the woodshed and let li'l Travis finish him off before Frum hurts someone. Sure it's drivel, and sure it's quite stupid, so why bother wasting time on this? Because maybe he's right. What if putting those poor little Senators under the harsh glare of our selfish vigilance, of our holding them responsible for their actions, is actually causing them to suck so freakin' badly at their jobs? Really, it's our fault. What else has all this horrible transparency ended?

  • Now when a Senator kills a hooker, people make a federal case out of it!

  • Those halcyon days of sexually-abusing interns are over! What is this world coming to?

  • Instead of having just one all-powerful party boss to bribe, now lobbyists have to go around bribing everyone! What a time-waster!

  • Remember the last cross-dressing Senator scandal? No? Well, thank you, Transparency! Poor little guys are too scared to even dress up anymore.

  • Look at the deficit and how much they're spending. If we weren't watching, surely they would spend less, right?

  • No more fact-finding junkets to the Caribbean with the hot secretary. And she was really looking forward to that trip.

  • Drinking and driving used to be a good thing!

More Unsightly Curves!

Oh, Those Unsightly Curves!

This Victoria's Secret ad keeps popping up on my Yahoo homepage, and um, it's kind of distracting. But anyway, I noticed something. Maybe it's just me, but I don't remember the Victoria's Secret models being this thin, especially that middle one. I know fashion models tend to be thinner because it gives designers extra space to use slight of hand underneath whatever they are wearing, but obviously that slight of hand isn't possible with lingerie, so what is the point with having such thin models? I liked it better when lingerie models looked like this. Mamma Mia!