Saturday, September 25, 2010

And I Can't Even Remember My Phone Number

This makes me feel stupid(-er than normal). It's a check mate in sixteen moves by Joseph Henry Blackburne. What makes this really bad? He played this game blindfolded. What makes this even worser-er? For the most part, he normally played simultaneous blindfold games, which means this probably wasn't the only game he was playing at the time. So while this guy (he lived in the 1800's) could remember every move of every simultaneous chess game he was playing while blindfolded, I can't go to the grocery store without a list.

Friday, September 24, 2010

This Has Been A Really Retarded Week

In the news, I mean.

First a "retarded" woman was executed in Virginia. How could this have happened? Well, it seems that legal types have made it harder for lawyers to claim a defendent is "insane", so now the défense du jour is that their murdering defendent is totally retarded because those evidentiary standards are lower (for now). So how could a woman who arranged to have her son and husband murdered for insurance money be considered retarded? Well, according to the jury, she couldn't be. And now she died a nice peaceful death instead of the shotgunning she planned and carried out on her son and husband. She really was a horrible person, despite the sob story the media tries to write at the link above.

Second, Congress decided to change the term "mental retarded" to "an individual with an intellectual disability" in all federal laws. Is this political correctness run amock again? Yeah, probably, because it won't be long before "intellectual disability" obtains the same stigma that retarded has, in which case they'll have to change "intellectual disabilty" to something else. Of course, it could just be it got changed because people with intellectual disabilities got tired of being compared to Congress members(zing!).

And the most retarded...sorry... an individual with an intellectual disability-ness that you'll see all week? This....

Friday, September 17, 2010

Is Chess The Answer To The World's Problems?

No, that's a stupid question. But on the other hand, it might be the solution to the Ground Zero Mosque kerfuffle. The Russian president of the World Chess Federation has offered to pay $10 million to buy the property that's been proposed for the New York City mosque to build a chess center. How are they going to make money off a chess center? Maybe gambling and selling tickets to cage matches, but really I have no idea how a chess center works. For most of my life, I've been suspicious of the Russians, but I actually like this gesture, partly because I do like chess, but mostly because I've let my guard down since the end of the Cold War on account of their trampy promiscuous female spies. Will the owners of the property accept the offer? No, because they suck, but it would be cool if they did because I'm really tired of this story.

Jon Stewart Is Soooo Cool!

Oh, joyous freakin' day, they're gonna do it. The Democratic Party's version of Retarded and Fucking Retarded-er is going to hold a rally in WashingtonDC. Wanna "see Stephen Colbert flip a mirror to the Tea Party and show them just how ridiculous they are"? Then get set for October 30th, because that's the day they're going to ridicule the shit out of the stupids who attended Glenn Beck's rally. And why do they want to ridicule them? Because these stupids, these uneducated racists are worried about where this country is headed. How lame and unsophisticated! Of course, that's hardly a notion that's confined to those on the Right, but who cares, those Beck rally idiots were disproportionately White! (Only liberals have the correct ratio of race to avoid criticism) And sure, you may ask, "Hey, aren't these the tools from Comedy Central who didn't have the courage to stand up for free speech when the guys from South Park were threatened by Muslim jihadists?" Yep! But they will stand up to old White people. My goodness they are brave. But this is where the Democratic party and the Left, as its moral compass and intellectual rudder, have arrived: mocking other people because they've already lost every possible argument. Making fun of ordinary Americans with traditional values is so effin' hip, man! I do hope they do it though. I do hope they can stand up in front of all those memorials, without any awareness of the irony, to show the rest of America what the Democratic Party stands for. Stupid clowns standing up for stupid clowns everywhere. Way to go, asswipes.

p.s. Here's Jon Stewart! "You may be asking yourself, right now, sitting at home, but am I the right type of person to go to this rally," said Stewart. "The fact that you would even stop to ask yourself that question, as opposed to just, let's say, jumping up, grabbing the nearest stack of holy books, strapping on a diaper and just pointing your car toward D.C. — that means I think you might just be right for it."

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Castle Wasn't A Republican In Name Only

Well, Allahpundit is still throwing a hissy fit or whatever about getting his RINO-ey feelings hurt because "real" conservatives got Christine O'Donnell elected over Mike Castle in the Delaware Republican primary. One of the main complaints about Tea Partiers supporting O'Donnell was that they weren't thinking strategically. O'Donnell can't win in the general election so therefore they should have supported Castle. But why should they have supported Castle? Usually someone is slurred with being called a RINO if they are fiscally conservative, but socially liberal. Castle was neither socially conservative nor fiscally conservative. The main gripes that the Tea Partiers have with the government are that the government spends too much and they tax too much, both in outright taxes and in regulation. Castle fit this mold, even supporting Cap and Trade. Maybe the Tea Party was thinking strategically. What difference does it make to them if Castle (who got a nice call from Obama after he lost) or the Democrat Coons (also known as 'my pet') gets elected if they both support larger government and liberal fiscal policies? At least supporting O'Donnell gave them a chance to change Washington. Mike Castle wasn't a RINO, he was a Democrat that got contributions from the Republican leadership. Keep that in mind because it was Delaware Republicans that said Castle wasn't conservative enough. These weren't Arizona Republicans. Exit question and answer. Via twitter, Allahpundit snidely asks if "true" conservatives would have backed the RINO Castle if O'Donnell had lost the Delaware race. They always have, it's the RINOs who often take their ball home or switch teams.

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden

  • New cars only have one door with a keyhole. No, really, go look.
  • Mel Gibson is American. No seriously, go look it up.
  • The best part about arguing with people on the phone is slamming the phone down after the conversation is over. Doing that to someone in person is very hard on the back.
  • People who are younger than me have no idea what "slamming the phone down" means.
  • The Jews don't control the mainstream media, Muslims do.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

It's Random Lyrics Time For Some Reason

I walked in a straight line went up to the New York border
Been following datelines, honey. And I hit the snow.
I found where my fate lies wrapped up like a small novella
Contained by a hundred pictures all of you

What's The Difference Between Republicans And Democrats?

Last night a Tea Party-supported underdog won the Delaware Republican nomination for Senate. The initial, and frankly continuing, reaction by the Republican leadership was(is) to call the voters stupid. Last year when Democrats faced opposition to massive spending and their healthcare bill, they responded to voters the same way. If the default response for Republican leadership is the same as that of Democrats, i.e. "you're not as smart as we are, so vote for us and shut up", then why am I voting for either of you?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Things I Wish I Didn't Know

Every once in a while I like to watch that "I Was Bitten" show, usually for the gory disfigurement. Like the episode where the guy got bitten by a rattler and the surgeon had to make foot-long incisions in the guy's arm to relieve the swelling or his arm would have popped like an exploding sausage. It was gory, and yes, there was disfigurement. I also like the episodes that have an added twist beyond just the gory disfigurement. Like the one where the guy got bitten by some ridiculously rare snake which caused him to start bleeding from everywhere because his skin was failing. He was bleeding through his skin. The hospital had to have the antivenin flown in from across the country, but there was one problem: every plane had been grounded because it was Sept. 11, 2001. They had to get special permission to fly, so this one plane carrying the antivenin for this guy was the only plane flying that day in the entire U.S.A. So anyways, a few weeks ago I was sitting in a hotel in San Diego, not far from the ocean (where moray eels live), when an episode came on about some idiot who was feeding... moray eels. He was intelligently feeding hotdogs, which look a lot like fingers, to an eel when you'll never guess what happened. The guy got his thumb bitten off. Clean off. It was actually pretty horrible, and yes, there was gory disfigurement. Now here's the part I wish I didn't know. Those horrible menacing dagger-like teeth that moray eels have? Yeah, they're only there to hold their prey. When a moray eel latches onto things, like...say a guy's thumb, a second set of jaws down the eel's throat comes up and rips things, like this guy's thumb, off. Just imagine that alien from the Alien movie, only the moray eel's second set of jaws looks almost as big as his "outside " jaws. Now, I know what you're thinking, "Thank God he wasn't skinny dipping!" Indeed. But here's the twist. The thumb was torn clean off and, like most primates, thumbs are very important to us humans, so this guy had his toe taken off and reattached onto his hand. Read that last sentence again because I'm not sure you heard me. This guy now has a toe-thumb! So the moray...sorry, moral of this story is that if you're out swimming and you see a moray eel, you should probably get the hell out of there. And if you're skinny-dipping (and you're a man), keeping in mind that toes won't replace certain parts of the male anatomy, then you should also be screaming while you're getting the hell out of there.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Shock The (Taliban) Monkeys

Okay, even though I've been busy lately, there was no way I was going to miss this story from last month or whenever. It's one thing for terrorists to tie bombs to clueless humans, but using a monkey's naturally violent and devious nature by arming and training them to fight the infidels? Messed-up, but in kind of an awesome way. Being the world's foremost expert on monkey shenanigans that I am, I will answer some frequently asked questions.

Mike in Houston: Why do this with monkeys?

JavelinaBomb: Because it's awesome. And, it's probably pretty easy. Like atheists, most monkeys don't believe in heaven and, also like atheists, they're probably pretty suicidal. However, unlike atheists, if you promise them sexy virgins they'll believe anything you want them to believe.

Captain Cisneros in Houston: Why not just use atheists?
JB: Because they wouldn't wait to push the button.

Mel in Houston: Why aren't they using gorillas?

JB: Because most gorillas belong to unions and they would keep demanding more money.

Shirley in Houston: Couldn't the Taliban use flamingos as terrorists?

JB: No, because that would be totally gay.
Vladimir in Houston: How the heck did the Taliban convert a monkey to Islam? A giraffe I could see, but a monkey?

JB: You can imagine a giraffe being converted to Islam? That's weird. Anyway, you convert them the normal way (promising lots of afterlife sexy time), except you don't really need to promise them seventy virgins or whatever since monkeys will have sex with pretty much anything. You could pretty much promise them there'll be lawn furniture in heaven.

Susan in Houston: How did the Taliban get monkeys in Afghanistan? Are there jungles in Afghanistan that I'm unaware of?
JB: Probably. Also, they smuggle them in their girdles.
Shaniqua in Houston: Where did they get the monkeys?
JB: I just answered that.
Juan in Houston: Are there any specific problems with using monkeys instead of regular terrorists?
JB: Yes, goat rape. But to be fair, that was already a problem.
Meiwei Kuang in Houston: Are there any advantages to using monkeys instead of regular terrorists?

JB: Yes, less poop flinging. And monkeys don't lie about raping goats like regular terrorists do. They're actually kind of proud of it for some reason. Also, monkeys have enough common sense not to build a mosque on the spot where they blew up people.
p.s. And I have no idea what's going on with the spacing, Blogger's being really buggy right now.
OK, I was going to write a post about Obama going after John Boehner, but Dan Collins beat me to it. Well, I mean everyone beat me to it, but Signor Dan even used the term "far-right boogieman" which I had already crayoned in. Since I'm behind the curve on this one, I'll provide the analysis of Obama's new strategy, which goes something like this: What is this guy, stupid?

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Thursday, September 9, 2010

What Would Ted Kennedy Do?

You might not know this, but this Saturday is The Edward M. Kennedy Day of Service and Rememberance. What did Ted Kennedy do to deserve this honor? He killed someone. No, that's not fair, he left someone to die in an overturned car that he had driven off of a bridge. Like a true hero who should be remembered for his service to others, he didn't try to rescue her. He also didn't call the police until the next morning, but he did call his lawyer that night, because, after all, this was an emergency. Ted Kennedy was given the honor of this day because his whole life was marked with this same kind of stupidity and selfishness and disregard for anyone besides himself, but this incident on its own best exemplifies just who Ted Kennedy was. Which is why Barack Obama chose to honor him on Saturday, which the rest of us refer to as September eleventh. So when you think of those firemen going back into the North Tower to rescue people after they had just watched the South Tower fall, just remember, what would Ted Kennedy have done?

Oh Noes! They're Inciting Me To Violence

I think it's time to burn some Korans. You see, these people are burning a U.S. flag because some minister in Florida might be holding a Koran burning party. Surely they know that most "moderate" Americans do not support this act of violence. So why would they fan the flames of hate that could make normally moderate Americans into violent radical Americans? It's just baffling. Of course, that Koran-burning minister may not go through with it, in which case these moderate Muslims will have burned an American flag without any provocation, just the threat of provocation. Which means they would be displaying the typically moderate violence that good Muslims are known for, but which it's apparently intolerant to point out. My favorite media meme is that we're not supposed to fan the flames of Islamic violence. Apparently we're just supposed to watch it burn.

p.s. Wouldn't it be wicked awesome if we had a President who got as upset over burning American flags as he does over burning Korans?

It's Football Prediction Time

I didn't pay any attention to the preseason and yet I feel compelled to make some NFL predictions. First, my two teams. The Cardinals don't have Warner anymore, but thankfully, they're still in the same crappy division. If Derek Anderson works out half as well as Warner, they still have a chance to win this division. If not, then probably San Fran wins the NFC West. Since the Cards didn't come to Arizona until 1988, my adopted team was the Steelers. They're missing Big Ben until probably the fifth game, but they usually start out slow anyway. If he starts out slow starting from the fifth game, they're done for because Baltimore and Cincy both look like they're going to be good. I'd probably take Baltimore to win the AFC North no matter what.

AFC East- Either the Jets or the Patriots, with second place probably getting to the playoffs anyway. Buffalo looks bad, and Miami looks like they're backsliding.

AFC South- Colts to win, Titans to get the other wild card. Jacksonville and the Texans not doing so well. I mean, seriously, the Texans picked up Leinart(?!).

AFC West- San Diego wins, the Broncos might make it close, KC gets to watch. The Raiders continue their off- and sometimes on- field horror show.

NFC North- Minnesota probably wins the division, but Green Bay keeps getting better, though the Packers lost some stupid games last year. Jay Cutler's a punk so I don't see da Bears doing any better than last year. The world continues to weep for Detroit.

NFC East- Still the division where every team matches up with every other team. I lean toward the hated Cowboys, but the Iggles or the Giants could be strong enough to win this division. I just don't see the winner (or wildcard) going very far in the playoffs, unless Jerry Jones freaks out midseason.

NFC South- Atlanta's a solid team, maybe the wild card if the Eagles or the Giants don't do well, but New Orleans wins this division pretty easy. Tampa and Carolina don't look so hot.

I don't see the top teams this year being any different from last year, though there's usually a couple of surprise teams. I just can't figure out who. I'm not going to pick the playoff or Superbowl yet, but I'll make a much worse prediction. The league will have a lock-out/strike and we're probably going to lose the 2011 season. The new head of the players union is an Obama-bot, complete with the stupid "playing in the NFL=slavery" and "socialism is awesome" rhetoric. I hope I'm wrong, but it might be good to enjoy this season a little more than usual.

p.s. Also, I pick Minnesota to win the opener, though it should be a good game either way.