Thursday, January 28, 2010

What The Hell Is Wrong With Him?

God help us, this is our president. Here he is speaking with 6th graders. Why can't he speak without a teleprompter? To children. Anyway, I was going to write some longwinded blog about how Obama is terrible and then show you photos of him that should be cause for some serious concern, but The Anchoress did it first and better than I would have. Although she did miss this one.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The State Of The Onion Address?

Obama has taken on a new feisty attitude, and he's gonna let it rip for the State of the Union address. He saw how Scott Brown won, and since Obama can't ride his own coattails (believe me, I'm sure he's tried!), he's going to try to ride someone else's. But rather than learn something useful from a Republican winning an historically Democratic seat, like maybe people don't like healthcare or socialism or runaway spending, he's going to get angry. It sounds pretty stupid to me, but if that's the row he's going to hoe, I might as well give him some pointers on his State of the Union address.

  • Obama should lose the teleprompter. Howard Dean didn't use no stinkin' teleprompter.

  • If Obama really wants to prove he's angry, he should smash a beer bottle on his forehead before he starts talking.

  • He should tear a phone book in half and scream, "That was the recession! Anyone else want a piece of me!"

  • It might help Obama if he had Joe Biden standing behind him menacingly holding one of those bats that tuna fishermen use. I think they're called fishbats.

  • Walk up to the podium, rack a shotgun and say, "Any other questions?"

  • Get himself a fun and trendy new hairdo. Is the "bob" still in?

  • Dive into the press pool and just start whaling on people.

  • Mention that he's the new sheriff in town and he "ain't gonna take no guff".

Huge-Assed Woman Tries To Fake It With Other People's Money

Hmmm, I wasn't aware that the First Lady could propose increased spending for military families. By which I mean, I didn't think this First Lady, who just became proud of her country last year, thought any differently about our troops than her husband, who apparently thinks of them as something between a photo-op and war criminals. Maybe I'm being cynical, but I find it hard to believe that now she has somehow become concerned about the plight of the families of soldiers returning from two wars, especially since her husband is trying to pull out of those two wars as fast as possible, since they don't really burnish the state-run media's hagiography of him. Of course, she can propose anything she wants, it's not her money, so really, what does she care? I guess that runs in the family.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Republican Scott Brown Inherits JFK's Seat?!

Have you ever castrated sheep? When you castrate sheep, it's usually done early in the morning when there isn't as much blood flow to those parts of the body. Waiting till later in the day, when the sheep are more active, can lead to problems related to blood loss and infection. When I hear Nancy Pelosi or Barack Obama yammering on about how the loss of their filibuster-proof majority in the Senate doesn't mean anything with regard to passing their healthcare bill, I think of castrated sheep. The Democratic party has already lost the governorships of Virginia and New Jersey, and now they've lost a bluer-than-blue Senate seat. A savvy politician would have been alarmed when polls started to shift last year, but not Pelosi and Obama. They plan to force this healthcare bill through no matter what. Including taking their own party down with them, keeping in mind that while Obama and the Democratic leadership has crafted this bill behind closed doors, they have not only shut out Republicans, but the majority of Democrats too. If they drop this now, early in the election cycle, they can hope to save some members of their party come election time. Even better would be to start over completely, in real bipartisan fashion. But if they do keep pushing this leaden boulder of a bill, they are going to see a bloodbath at the polls. And Nancy Pelosi will lose her leadership. The unmistakable lesson from last night was that Coakley was destroyed by independents. Independents in Massachusetts are likely to be further left than in other parts of the country, so if they've turned on Democrats, using the sheep castration imagery won't be too far away from what Democrats are going to experience. If Democrats hope to win in November, they need to move to the center quickly, or they will be taken down by healthcare "reform", whether they voted for it or not.

A Random Lyric For All Occasions

This boy has always known

that when he's fully grown

it won't matter what they do

one plus one should equal two

one plus one is always two

Monday, January 18, 2010

The Massachusetts election for the senate is being held tomorrow, and for some reason, this is close. Keep in mind, this is Ted Kennedy's seat. Or more precisely, this is the Kennedys' seat, since even Teddy had a placeholder from John F. for this seat. The Kennedys have held this seat for 57 years. Rasmussen Reports had this at +2 for Coakley last week, and +9 for Coakley the week before that. That's a 7 point drop for Coakley every week, so if that trend continued, Brown would be up by 5 points this week. And based on my usual formula, I'm going to say Coakley by about 1, although the polls are kind of all over the place. The big deal here is that a loss by the Democrat would take away the Democrats filibuster-proof senate and would effectively end ObamaCare getting passed in an above-the-board manner, so we can all expect some extra curricular activity if this is close. What's really quite funny about all of this is that Democrats in Massachusetts have acted in a dishonest way with regard to elections for years. In 2004, when John Kerry was running for president, they decided to change the election law (to holding a special election), because, at that time, the governor was allowed to pick a possible successor. The problem for Democrats was that the governor was a Republican (gasp!). They changed the law expressly to keep Republicans out of power. They have constantly changed the rules to benefit their party, and now it seems they may have hoist themselves on their own petard.

Update 1/20: Brown won by 4 1/2.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Open Letter To All Rock Bands

Yes, I am ready to rock, please stop asking. I'm getting just a little sick of the insinuation that I am ill-prepared, despite the fact that I've known about this concert for months. Why do you feel you need to ask questions that you obviously know the answer to? In fact, why would I be sitting here in the crowd if I had not prepared myself for rocking. Seriously, these tickets aren't cheap. You think I just showed up not knowing what I'm here for? I mean, look at these people. This aint no library! Is there some confusion? What is the deal here?

Signed, Your Fans

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Take A Nazi To Work Day!

Oliver Stone thinks Hitler has gotten a bad rap, and now he's making a movie to set the record straight. Actually, it's called "Secret History of America", so more than likely its intent is to put Hitler and Stalin in a more favorable light, and give America her long awaited comeuppance, because that's the way his insane little mind works. Stone says,"I've been able to walk in Stalin's shoes and Hitler's shoes to understand their point of view." Hmmm, unless he killed more than zero people in those shoes, I'm not sure he's walked very far in them. Hitler and Stalin were responsible for tens of millions of deaths, so it's hard to imagine that they've been treated unfairly by history. Considering Stone's stellar revisionist history in his film "JFK", maybe his new film will show that the United States was actually responsible for the Holocaust, or maybe it was the Slavs, because those people are terrible. Either way, I'm sure his film will be great, and not at all crazy. In fact, maybe we need to reexamine all of our hateful prejudices, and I've come up with a great idea: "Take A Nazi To Work" Day! If we're really going to force tolerance of every hated and repellent group, let's start with numero uno. But as usual, there could be good things and bad things with this proposal.

Pros
  • Nazis are very organized, so no more messy cubicles
  • Discipline won't be a problem
  • Everyone likes a snappy well kempt uniform
  • They really like to salute their superiors, assuring a clearly defined chain of command
  • Strict adherence to time schedules means that office will be running like a clock
  • Will most likely expand your company into other highly lucrative areas, like munitions manufacturing.
  • They could help eliminate your competition through...uh...it's probably best to not ask questions
  • I'm told they smell like lilacs, which should be nice

Cons

  • Probably more executions than normal around the office
  • That high-stepping march thing that they do might be difficult around the confined spaces of cubicles
  • The fumes from their guncleaning solvents might make you light-headed
  • No more ducking out five minutes early on Fridays
  • Lunchtime blood tests to prove you're not Jewish might be kind of a hassle
  • If you don't like cover sheets now...
  • They're sticklers for correct grammar and spelling
  • Some employees might get nervous with the way they stand over you with their Mauser rifles

Robot Theater

Those demented little human beans at Redeye with Greg Gutfeld have been doing these Xtranormal skits, so I decided to give it a shot. Keep in mind, I have problems.







Saturday, January 9, 2010

They Always Said He Didn't Have A Head For Business, Or A Face

In case anyone was somehow confused that maybe drug smuggling was a cute and fuzzy profession and that persons employed in said profession are not evil, here is their version of a "warning".

"The body of 36-year-old Hugo Hernandez was left on the streets of Los Mochis in seven pieces as a chilling threat to members of the Juarez drug cartel. A note read: "Happy New Year, because this will be your last." To drive home the point, the assailants skinned Hernandez's face and stitched it onto a soccer ball. The gruesome find, confirmed Friday by Sinaloa state prosecutors, represents a new level of brutality in Mexico's drug war, in which torture and beheadings are almost daily occurrences. Hernandez was taken to Sinaloa after being kidnapped Jan. 2 in neighboring Sonora state, in an area known for marijuana growing, said Martin Robles, a spokesman for Sinaloa prosecutors. The motive for his abduction was unclear. His torso was found in a plastic container in one location; elsewhere another box contained his arms, legs and skull, Robles said. Hernandez's face, sewn onto a soccer ball, was left in a plastic bag near City Hall." (h/t Lucianne.com)

So don't do drugs, kids. Or they may come after you and take your face.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Is That A Metal-Detecting Wand In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

They're going to be putting those new full body scanners in airports to try to catch terrorists and other ne'er-do-wells. And judging by the picture in my previous post, I may need to make a career choice. But I'm also going to have to adjust to these changes when I go through the scanners too.
  • It may be time to hit the gym.
  • My drug mule days are over.
  • To avoid embarrassing questions, I'm going to have to start wearing my own underwear.
  • No more pretending I'm taller by standing on a midget's shoulders and wearing a long trench coat.
  • The next time someone asks me, "how's it hangin'?", I'll just show them a printout from airport security.
  • My record for most endangered parakeets smuggled into the United States will now stand forever!
  • To prove to everyone that I'm not carrying explosives, I may stop wearing pants altogether. And not just at the airport.
  • I may have to learn how to smuggle things "the old-fashioned way", if you know what I mean.
  • Now that I think about it, those scanners are probably less obtrusive than always having to go into the back room. Those security people have cold hands!

It May Be Time For Me To Get A Job At The Airport

I never realized that working in airport security could be so...um...graphic. I mean sure you can expect to see a few strip searches here and there, but once airport security gets their new body scanners, we're all gonna be a part of the peepshow.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Obama Puts The Git In GitmoLogic™

Holy nutsacks, Batman! That empty vessel of a human being that we call "the president" is applying GitmoLogic™ to our national defense! And by GitmoLogic™, I mean that Barry is trying to appease our enemies with gestures that they could care less about, but which seriously endanger the lives of Americans. Because, as is necessary for someone trying to destroy a country he hates (apparently), Barry is working overtime to render the U.S. defenseless by scaling back our nuclear arsenal. I believe he uses the term "sweeping", as in "a lot". Of course, maybe Barry doesn't just hate America. Heck, maybe Barry hates a whole host of non-socialist countries. Maybe he's pissed at the Poles. Maybe he thinks the Japs are whack. Maybe he's cross with the Czechs. He might even think the Bulgars are vulgar and the Latvians are ludicrous. Sure, we're responsible for the defense of more than our own country, but screw those Eastern European countries, they were better off under a socialist regime. And screw those Asian countries too, they will be totally awesome under China's control. If Barry isn't willing to oppose a fascist dictator in Honduras, maybe we should take the hint that maybe he's not really trying to oppose a fascist dictator. Anywhere. But anyway, this part of the article is what annoys me even further.


"A core issue under debate, officials said, is whether the United States should shed its long-standing ambiguity about whether it would use nuclear weapons in certain circumstances, in hopes that greater specificity would give foreign governments more confidence to make their own decisions on nuclear arms.Some in the U.S. argue that the administration should assure foreign governments that it won't use nuclear weapons in reaction to a biological, chemical or conventional attack, but only in a nuclear exchange. Others argue that the United States should promise that it would never use nuclear weapons first, but only in response to a nuclear attack."


It's the last line that gets my non-explosives laden undies in a bunch. We're actually arguing over whether we should formally announce that we won't use nuclear weapons until after someone uses them on us. Nice. Barry must be quite a trusting little fellow to try to negotiate the terms at which we will be attacked. It's not like anyone in history has ever tried a sneak attack to gain some sort of military advantage. I'm sure in BarryBarryLand, a sneak attack would seem quite rude. Maybe he thinks all prospective enemies will submit some kind of form letter delineating how and when we will be attacked so that he can respond appropriately. Anything less neighbourly than that could force Barry to write a very stern letter. And may God help us if it ever comes to that!

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Our Margarita Ice Supply Is Safe

If you were wondering how the CIA could have missed all the warning signs about the underwear bomber (or bloomer boomer, if you're in the UK), including a call from the terrorist's father, it's because they were busy with other more important national security threats. Like icebergs. That's right, the CIA is spying on icebergs. And now the scourges of the polar seas have just met their match! Now that they're on the CIA's watchlist, there is no way they will achieve their plan for more jihadist Titanic-like sinkings. Obviously, the CIA realized how easily icebergs could be converted to radical forms of Islam. Icebergs are known to be very impressionable! And when you consider that 1500 people died on the Titanic compared with the nearly 300 who could have died on Flight 253, the CIA clearly feels their resources can be better spent on icebergs. Good show, CIA! I feel safer already!

P.S. And just in case you were thinking that maybe the CIA was really spying on polar bears because they might possibly be terrorists, dream on! They're on our side!

More Random Lyrics? Wow!

The good old days, the honest man
The restless heart, the Promised Land
A subtle kiss that no one sees
A broken wrist and a big trapeze

Oh well

I don't mind, if you don't mind
Cause I don't shine if you don't shine
Before you go can you read my mind?

Monday, January 4, 2010

His Underwear Is Making All Of Us Look Bad

That Nigerian underwear bomber sure made airport security look bad. In fact, everyone is always concentrating on the bad things related to airport security, but they never talk about the good things. It's always, "Oh, no! That guy has a bomb in his underwear!", or "Hey! That guy is trying to detonate his explosive shoes!", but what about the good things, like...
  • There's no more mutha effin' snakes on tha mutha effin' planes!
  • Look at all the Muslim terrorists who aren't being racially profiled. That's very good for their self-esteem.
  • This near-miss terrorist attack takes the focus off of Michelle Obama's horrible fashion sense.
  • Obama's flight to his Oahu vacation was virtually terrorist-free. That's good, right?
  • The new safety checks will be so thorough that now you won't need to have an additional prostate exam.
  • The fear of being blown to smithereens brings people closer to their spiritual side, which is just kind of nice in these hectic modern times.
  • Your mother always told you to wear clean underwear, now the airport will actually check!
  • Creating the job of "Underwear Checker" finally gives those sexual predators in prison something to look forward to when they get out.
  • It will be years before terrorists find a new place to put a bomb. So look on the bright-side, we're safe till then.