Friday, February 26, 2010

ManBearPig Alert! Part Four

Breaking News from San Felipe, Mexico where Al Gore has discovered even more evidence of GLOBAL WARMING!™. Actually, now Al Gore is weeping uncontrollably. "People please!", Al Gore exasperatedly sobbed, "This is science! I am smart! The water is falling again, but you need to believe me! Ask Matt Damon, he believes me! Ask anyone in Hollywood! They believe in GLOBAL WARMING!™ And you should always listen to Hollywood people! Wait a minute! I'll ask the townspeople! They were super sweltering this whole time! They know what has been happening! Señor! ¿Por qué el agua mala caída? (See I am speaking to them in their own language because I am smart!)"

Townsperson: "Umm, what did you say, señor?"

Al Gore: "Ahh! You speak english! Boowayno! I would like you to tell these newspeople here what is happening to your once nice little town of your indigenous people, por favor."

Townsperson: "What do you mean, señor?"

Al Gore: "The sweltering! Tell them about the GLOBAL WARMING!™. Tell them about the water rising and falling!"

Townsperson: "Oh. you mean the tide? Si, right now it is low tide, and before it was high tide. That is not global warming, señor, that is normal. And we are not sweltering, we live here because we don't like freezing our culos off."


The End

ManBearPig Alert! Part Three

Breaking News from San Felipe, Mexico where Al Gore has discovered even more evidence of GLOBAL WARMING!™. "People please!", Al Gore exasperatedly sighed, "This is super duper science! The water is rising again! And this time the cause really is GLOBAL WARMING!™. I know a few hours ago I said that the water was falling and before that I said it was rising, but it really was! That just proves how dangerous GLOBAL WARMING™ is! This is science, people! And only smart people like me can understand it, so you have to believe me and do what I say and admit that I am smarter than you! Look at these townspeople! They are super sweltering! And please stop asking why I'm here on Baja California having margheritas instead of hanging out in the Capitol during one of the coldest winters in Washington D.C. history. That doesn't prove anything! All that proves is that GLOBAL WARMING!™ is real and even worse than I thought!"


To be continued...

ManBearPig Alert! Part Two

Breaking News from San Felipe, Mexico where Al Gore has discovered even more evidence of GLOBAL WARMING!™. "People please!", Al Gore exasperatedly sighs, "The water level is falling! I told you this would happen because of GLOBAL WARMING!™! The earth is getting so hot that water is literally boiling away until we won't have anymore! The earth is now literally millions of degrees hotter than is was just a few hours ago when the water was rising because of GLOBAL WARMING!™! If we don't do something about this falling waterlevel and also admit that I am smart, then we are doomed! Look at these townspeople, they are literally sweltering! And please stop asking why I'm here on Baja California having margheritas instead of back at the Capitol during one of the coldest winters in Washington D.C. history. That doesn't prove anything! All that proves is that GLOBAL WARMING!™ is real and even worse than I thought!"


To be continued...

Thursday, February 25, 2010

ManBearPig Alert! Part One

Breaking News from San Felipe, Mexico where Al Gore has discovered even more evidence of GLOBAL WARMING!™. "People please!", Al Gore exasperatedly sighed, "This is science! I have been measuring the water rising on this shore for hours! The water is rising and will continue to rise until we do something about GLOBAL WARMING!™. These townspeople are sweltering, and will soon be dead from all this rising seawater! I will continue to monitor this very important science-y stuff until you people agree that I am right and also am smarter than you. And please stop asking why I'm here on Baja California having margheritas instead of hanging out in the Capitol during one of the coldest winters in Washington D.C. history. That doesn't prove anything! All that proves is that GLOBAL WARMING!™ is real and even worse than I thought!"



To be continued...

The Very Pants I Was Returning

Apparently Greece is on strike, again. The country is on the verge of bankruptcy because the government has spent too much, especially on entitlements to unions in the public sector. Unions in Greece feel the need to strike because they know that the first place spending will be cut is to their government entitlements. I'm not sure how taking off work is supposed to help anything, but I'm sure government workers get paid whether they work or not, so what do they care? This foolishness reminds me of a couple of years ago when there was a strike in Paris for some stupid reason. Everything was supposed to be shut down, transportation, schools, and government buildings, with people demonstrating in the streets. It was expected that the protests would draw a lot of people, but instead they had a rather disappointing showing. The problem they had was that people couldn't get to Paris because... wait for it.... train and bus operators were on strike. The definition of irony? Or the definition of awesome?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Monkey Justice

I don't know what that monkey is going to do, but I know it's going to be awesome. Well, maybe not this awesome.

Harry The Wife-Beater

I'm going to assume he's speaking from experience. Harry Reid, professor emeritus of stone-cold logic, is looking for a new meme to label opponents of any legislation he's trying to shove through Congress. He said this in support of his new jobs bill, "Men, when they're out of work, tend to become abusive,". Nice. I guess he's been losing traction lately when calling his opponents racist or unpatriotic, so now if you oppose his jobs bill (another one!), then you support violence against women. Boy, I sure wouldn't want to be a Republican who votes against this bill. Or better yet, I sure wouldn't want to be Harry Reid's wife after November of this year, because she is going to get the hell beaten out of her.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Buck Up, Scumbag

It's always nice to know that no matter who you are or what you do, there's always someone lower, like people who put catsup on hotdogs.

Senator? Mmmphf?

Great News! The government is concerned about you dying! Now they want to put warnings on food because you might choke on them. These deadly-deadly foods include such kids' staples as hotdogs, grapes, peanut butter and carrots. No word yet on whether these warnings will have to be on packaging or on each individual food item, which might be difficult on items like grapes. Maybe what we really need is a law requiring chewing for all foods. No more shoving whole tacos down your throat. No more eating watermelons like an apple. These food warnings are mainly meant for children with parents who don't feel like cutting their food up into smaller pieces for them, but what the food police are neglecting to mention is the most vulnerable group of all, politicians. Because of politicians' well known penchant for hoarding, we may need to start labeling things besides food, like staplers, pocket change, pens and pencils, basically anything a politician can shove into his or her mouth. The Brookings Institute estimates that 30-40% of our deficit results from politicians literally eating our money. A large part of this problem may stem from how we label our money. Maybe instead of "In God We Trust", it should say, "Do not put in mouth".

Friday, February 19, 2010

Random? Oh Boy! Lyrics? Boy Howdy!

Shedding tears for affairs, I'm a funny little thing
Well I can tell you this for nothing, affairs don't win
Can you handle one more dirty secret and one dirty night
Is it true what they say, will it make us go blind

I'll take an interest in illustration, it should be a laugh
But your words are with me still, they whisper in the grass
Am I shedding tears for affairs, I'm a stupid little thing
Well I can tell you this for nothing, you won't win

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

I Just Had To Put This Up

Someone put this picture up on a billboard in Minnesota. The answer to the question has been yes for a while now.

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden, Again!

  • Before Hitler was born, who were people compared to if they were really evil?
  • It turns out that wine connoisseurs don't like be referred to as "winos".
  • When people tell you to watch out for black ice, isn't that a little racist? Shouldn't you watch out for white ice too?
  • If Barack Obama isn't firing anyone this week, does that mean there's no more room under the bus?
  • If you specify domestic non-vintage peanut butter for your PB&J sandwich in a fancy restaurant, prepare to get some rude service.
  • If you want to know what the Middle Ages were like, just imagine if the 1970's had lasted for a few hundred years.

What Happens On February 11 Stays On February 11

Guess who's got a burr under their saddle. The Iranians. And this time, it means...war? "The Iranian nation, with its unity and God's grace, will punch the arrogance (Western powers) on the 22nd of Bahman (February 11) in a way that will leave them stunned," Khamenei, who is also Iran's commander-in-chief, told a gathering of air force personnel. That sounds bad, like he's going to shoot a missile at someone. But there are other possibilities.
  • They're exaggerating. It's probably some stupid decree that says women can no longer wear hats on Mondays. Barack Obama will still mess his pants.
  • This is all a translation error. They're actually inviting us for punch and cookies.
  • They will unveil a sealed and dated envelope which will reveal that they totally picked the exact score and winner of the Super Bowl three weeks in advance. No way!
  • To honor the 4th anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting that guy in the face, they're going to shoot some people in the face.
  • They're totally going to unfriend Barack Obama on Facebook!
  • They're a bunch of liars and they're actually going to bomb Washington D.C. on Feb. 10.
  • They're going to reveal what happens in the last episode of Lost! What jerks!
  • They're going to sign Brett Favre.
  • The Ayatollah Khamenei is going to challenge Mario Batali to a death match on Iron Chef! Secret ingredient? Goat!? There's no way we can win!

Oh, Those Crazy Germans!

If you watched the Super Bowl (of football), you might have noticed the Audi commercial, where the "Green Police" go around arresting people for not acting in an appropriately environmental manner. Of course, in the commercial, the Audi car owners are not hassled, because, I guess, driving a diesel Audi (it's a TDI!) is sufficiently green enough to avoid harassment. But everyone else is arrested. It's sort of like Kristallnacht for people who don't recycle properly. It doesn't make me want to buy their cars, but maybe that's the point. It's only meant for their kind of people.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Obama Says Stuff While I Comment Incoherently

This is how you rally the troops.

"You know what I think would actually make a difference, Michael -- I think if everybody here -- excuse all the members of the press who are here -- if everybody here turned off your CNN, your Fox, your -- just turn off the TV -- MSNBC, blogs -- and just go talk to folks out there, instead of being in this echo chamber where the topic is constantly politics -- the topic is politics. It is much more difficult to get a conversation focused on how are we going to help people than a conversation about how is this going to help or hurt somebody politically.
And that's part of what the American people are just sick of -- because they don't care, frankly, about majority and minorities and process and this and that. They just want to know, are you delivering for me? And we've got to, I think, get out of the echo chamber. That was a mistake that I think I made last year, was just not getting out of here enough. And it's helpful when you do. (Applause.)
"

Hmmm. I thought the point of Harry Reid keeping Congress in session and not letting them go home was to keep them in the echo chamber. If Senators had gone home and faced the anger of their constituents, they would have realized that the American people really don't like Obama's agenda. What I also really find ironic, is that this President just can't stop himself from making comments like these. Or this one.

But you can put off buying the new curtains, even if it'd be nice to have. You know, that -- remodeling the bathroom, I mean, everything is working. You don't need it right now. I mean, what we've been having are folks who want to buy the curtains but don't want to fix the boiler. (Applause.) And our priorities have to change.

Maybe if we replace "buying new curtains" with "wasting time on socialized health care system", and "the boiler" with "our economy", he actually makes sense. But he's not saying that, or rather, he's not doing that. In fact, he's kind of lying, because his priorities will not change. Our government isn't about to stop spending just because we're in a recession and it doesn't have the money rolling in anymore. In fact, it keeps getting bigger, with 33,000 people hired just this January. But then again, this veritable Orator For Our Times™ sometimes does tell us exactly what he's thinking, in the most eloquent fashion imaginable. In answer to this question by Senator Evan Bayh, "....why should the Democratic Party be trusted? And are we willing to make some of the tough decisions to actually head this country in a better direction?", Obama said this,

"... So to answer your question, how do we -- having said that, there's no doubt that we've lost trust. And part of it was just bad timing. It's like the cartoon, right, you're sort of standing there and somebody hands you a ticking time bomb and it explodes, and you've got all this gunpowder on your hands, and you didn't construct the bomb, but you're holding it. ..."

Could it be any clearer? Or better yet, I bet that wasn't on his teleprompter.

I'm In Worse Shape Than I Thought!

Barack Obama gave his State of the Union address last month. Chris Matthews (a real person) of MSNBC (not a real network) made the following comment during his analysis of Obama's speech, "He is post-racial, by all appearances. You know, I forgot he was black tonight for an hour. " If you've ever watched Chris Matthews' show, you already know he's not the sharpest knife on the dinner table, but this comment is unusual even for him. He forgot he was black? For an hour? What is that even supposed to mean? As one person on Twitter remarked, "Chris Mathews forgot Obama was "black for an hour" which is weird since the President spoke for 75 minutes." But then I thought, "Wait a minute, wasn't I drunk earlier that evening, maybe I should check my own Twitter account for any peculiar utterances." Which is where I found this comment, "Wait, Barack Obama is black?! We have a black president? Did anyone else notice this?" Good Lord, it's the same thing! I mean, sure I only forgot he was black for a couple minutes, and I was drunk, and I hadn't slept that week, and the chip the Government had implanted in my head had shorted out during the last thunderstorm, but Holy Mackerel! That's as close as I ever want to be to thinking like Chris Matthews. I knew alcohol killed brain cells, but I had no idea it reduces you to the mental capacity of a drooling sycophantic TV host. Just think what would happen if I were to fall down and suffer a debilitating brain injury! I could end up....with my own show on MSNBC!! AAAAAAAA!!!!!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Random Lyrics? Sure, Why Not?

I cut the throat of a billy-goat and let it bleed

his frozen eyes were far more than I

it's kinda nice to know the things that make me happy

just realize, keep the dog away from me.