Friday, February 26, 2010
Townsperson: "Umm, what did you say, señor?"
Al Gore: "Ahh! You speak english! Boowayno! I would like you to tell these newspeople here what is happening to your once nice little town of your indigenous people, por favor."
Townsperson: "What do you mean, señor?"
Al Gore: "The sweltering! Tell them about the GLOBAL WARMING!™. Tell them about the water rising and falling!"
Townsperson: "Oh. you mean the tide? Si, right now it is low tide, and before it was high tide. That is not global warming, señor, that is normal. And we are not sweltering, we live here because we don't like freezing our culos off."
To be continued...
To be continued...
Thursday, February 25, 2010
To be continued...
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Well I can tell you this for nothing, affairs don't win
Can you handle one more dirty secret and one dirty night
Is it true what they say, will it make us go blind
I'll take an interest in illustration, it should be a laugh
But your words are with me still, they whisper in the grass
Am I shedding tears for affairs, I'm a stupid little thing
Well I can tell you this for nothing, you won't win
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
- Before Hitler was born, who were people compared to if they were really evil?
- It turns out that wine connoisseurs don't like be referred to as "winos".
- When people tell you to watch out for black ice, isn't that a little racist? Shouldn't you watch out for white ice too?
- If Barack Obama isn't firing anyone this week, does that mean there's no more room under the bus?
- If you specify domestic non-vintage peanut butter for your PB&J sandwich in a fancy restaurant, prepare to get some rude service.
- If you want to know what the Middle Ages were like, just imagine if the 1970's had lasted for a few hundred years.
- They're exaggerating. It's probably some stupid decree that says women can no longer wear hats on Mondays. Barack Obama will still mess his pants.
- This is all a translation error. They're actually inviting us for punch and cookies.
- They will unveil a sealed and dated envelope which will reveal that they totally picked the exact score and winner of the Super Bowl three weeks in advance. No way!
- To honor the 4th anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting that guy in the face, they're going to shoot some people in the face.
- They're totally going to unfriend Barack Obama on Facebook!
- They're a bunch of liars and they're actually going to bomb Washington D.C. on Feb. 10.
- They're going to reveal what happens in the last episode of Lost! What jerks!
- They're going to sign Brett Favre.
- The Ayatollah Khamenei is going to challenge Mario Batali to a death match on Iron Chef! Secret ingredient? Goat!? There's no way we can win!
Monday, February 8, 2010
This is how you rally the troops.
"You know what I think would actually make a difference, Michael -- I think if everybody here -- excuse all the members of the press who are here -- if everybody here turned off your CNN, your Fox, your -- just turn off the TV -- MSNBC, blogs -- and just go talk to folks out there, instead of being in this echo chamber where the topic is constantly politics -- the topic is politics. It is much more difficult to get a conversation focused on how are we going to help people than a conversation about how is this going to help or hurt somebody politically.
And that's part of what the American people are just sick of -- because they don't care, frankly, about majority and minorities and process and this and that. They just want to know, are you delivering for me? And we've got to, I think, get out of the echo chamber. That was a mistake that I think I made last year, was just not getting out of here enough. And it's helpful when you do. (Applause.)"
Hmmm. I thought the point of Harry Reid keeping Congress in session and not letting them go home was to keep them in the echo chamber. If Senators had gone home and faced the anger of their constituents, they would have realized that the American people really don't like Obama's agenda. What I also really find ironic, is that this President just can't stop himself from making comments like these. Or this one.But you can put off buying the new curtains, even if it'd be nice to have. You know, that -- remodeling the bathroom, I mean, everything is working. You don't need it right now. I mean, what we've been having are folks who want to buy the curtains but don't want to fix the boiler. (Applause.) And our priorities have to change.
Maybe if we replace "buying new curtains" with "wasting time on socialized health care system", and "the boiler" with "our economy", he actually makes sense. But he's not saying that, or rather, he's not doing that. In fact, he's kind of lying, because his priorities will not change. Our government isn't about to stop spending just because we're in a recession and it doesn't have the money rolling in anymore. In fact, it keeps getting bigger, with 33,000 people hired just this January. But then again, this veritable Orator For Our Times™ sometimes does tell us exactly what he's thinking, in the most eloquent fashion imaginable. In answer to this question by Senator Evan Bayh, "....why should the Democratic Party be trusted? And are we willing to make some of the tough decisions to actually head this country in a better direction?", Obama said this,
"... So to answer your question, how do we -- having said that, there's no doubt that we've lost trust. And part of it was just bad timing. It's like the cartoon, right, you're sort of standing there and somebody hands you a ticking time bomb and it explodes, and you've got all this gunpowder on your hands, and you didn't construct the bomb, but you're holding it. ..."
Could it be any clearer? Or better yet, I bet that wasn't on his teleprompter.