Thursday, May 27, 2010

It May Not Be The Best Title Evah....

...but the title of this article is pretty darn close. "Adrien Brody Still Traumatized By Goat Rape"

h/t Hotair

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Here She Comes Again, The Random Lyrics

Here she comes again

with vodka in her veins

been playing with a spike

she couldn't get it right

splendor in silver dress

velocity possess

the world was hers and then

it fell apart again

I don't need anyone to hurt me

no, not anyone at all

because my so called friends have left me

and now I don't care at all

leave me alone

leave me alone

leave me alone

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Couldn't They Have Just Booked A Chuck E. Cheese?

It seems that the White House continues to have something to hide, only this time they're muzzling their chef. And while you ponder why the White House would have a chef prepare Mexican food for a Mexican president (in Mexico, they just call it food), you might also ponder, "What could possibly be so secret about the dinner of a state dinner?"
  • The silverware is arranged to show where we'll bomb next.
  • If the terrorists find out we're serving kale, they'll just be that much more upset.
  • The secret ingredient in mole? Socialism.
  • The "mineral water" is actually just taxpayers' tears.
  • They're trying to keep it quiet so an uninvited Joe Biden won't show up and give one of his usual expletives-laden toasts that go on for 40 minutes.
  • They don't want you to know that they spent taxpayer money upgrading from Ramen Noodles to Dinty Moore Thick and Hearty Stew.
  • Barack Obama has his own top secret nuclear-powered sippy cup.
  • There's salt in everything!

You Do Know What Happens When You Insult Certain Religions, Right?!!

Monday, May 17, 2010

And Now A Message From Comedy Central...

In an effort to be sensitive to our new terrorist overlords, we have decided to censor anything that could be considered offensive to Muslims.

I Guess Certain Things SHOULD Be Censored

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Everybody Draw Mohammed Day

Next week, May 20th is “Everybody Draw Mohammed Day”. This is the blasphemous response to a South Park episode being censored because not only did South Park's station, Comedy Central, block out the Mohammed character, they even bleeped out any mention of Mohammed's name. Why? Because some Muslim douches, based in New York, threatened violence. In other words, these Muslims terrorized them. With death threats. So the horrible violence-inducing response to these threats is to show images of Mohammed. Not violence. Not threats. Just showing stupid images of Mohammed. It still might cause violence, but at least it beats being a Muslim, especially if you are a woman or a child. More.

p.s. And just for the record, the cartoonist who started all of this suddenly turned as brave as Comedy Central.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Drop A Box On It!

So anyway, I was over at earlier today and now I've had something stuck in my head all day. Frank from Imao was commenting about how BP was trying to stop the oil leak by dropping a box on it. Of course, he's amused that BP is using box-dropping robots to... drop the box. They're not block-rockin' beats, they're box-droppin' robots, like that song by the Chemical Brothers, which is what has been stuck in my head all day. Of course, dropping a box didn't stop the oil leak, possibly because BP used robots, when clearly underwater ninjas, known for their deadly precision and the fact that they don't short out when they get wet, would have been the better choice. Apparently BP thought all their problems could be solved by robot-dropping a box on it, which is just hilarious to me in my insomniac state.
  • Car having engine trouble? Drop a box on it!
  • Wife won't shut up? Drop a box on it!
  • Got hard water stains? Drop a box on it!
  • Gun jams in the middle of a fire fight? Drop a box on it!
  • Need a box that needs dropping off at the post office? Drop a box on it!

And I've been annoying people with this crap all day. It's late at night and tomorrow this probably won't seem funny at all, but right now, in my sleep-deprived state, I am just rolling on the floor.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Do We Really Need A Reason To Hurl Cats From The Rooves?

I've pointed out before that I'm not that fond of cats. I'm a dog person, like all normal non-psychotic people. That's why I find today, the second Sunday of May, sort of amusing. In the town of Ypres (don't try to pronounce it, it's french), there is a festival celebrated every three years called Kattenstoet. It commemorates a time in the Middle Ages when Ypres was an important textile town, and cats were used to prevent rats from damaging the raw products. The cloth was kept follow me here....the Cloth Hall of the town square. When it came time to sell off the cloth and the cats were no longer needed, they were chucked off the Cloth Hall tower. The reason they did this I guess is because cats were considered evil even if they did keep the rats away. Either that or they didn't want to carry cats down all those stairs. It does sound messy though. Today they use stuffed toy cats and have a parade where people dress up like cats and do other euro-gay stuff. But it's more proof that at one time, Europe wasn't just a place to make fun of. It was also a place that chucked cats off the roof.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

For No Good Reason Whatsoever, I Present Some Random Lyrics

Oh you say you want to be a writer
Fantastic idea!
You say you've never seen America
I really think you'd like it there!
Maybe you should travel with me
Is this the best idea?
Because you've never seen a redwood
And you've never touched a deer
A deer, a deer, a deer
A deer, a deer, my dear.

Friday, May 7, 2010

My Lighter Is Trying To Tell Me Something

Inside the cap of my Zippo lighter is a question mark. It's not written in, just the carbon that comes from the fuel. The pictures came out a little too blurry, but it's a perfect question mark. I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean and it's probably just a coincidence but if my lighter has the ability to communicate, I better watch what I say around it.

Seriously, Los Suns? Part Two

As if it's not bad enough that the Phoenix Suns are pimping their team for political purposes, Phil Jackson, the ex-hippie, the most evil of coaches, he who happens to coach the most evil of basketball teams, the L.A. Lakers, says something which gives me no choice but to agree with him...

"But Lakers Coach Phil Jackson doesn't see it that way. "Am I crazy, or am I the only one that heard [the legislature] say ‘we just took the United States immigration law and adapted it to our state," he said. "I don't think teams should get involved in the political stuff. And I think this one's still kind of coming out to balance as to how it's going to be favorably looked upon by our public. If I heard it right the American people are really for stronger immigration laws, if I'm not mistaken. Where we stand as basketball teams, we should let that kind of play out and let the political end of that go where it's going to go." "

Aaaaaa!!! At least when Pittsburgh Steelers owner Dan Rooney pimped his team to support Barack Obama in the last election, he got an ambassadorship to Ireland out of it.

Seriously, Los Suns?

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

It's My Blog-iversary

I started blogging here last year on this day. I'm pretty sure the world could have lived without this blog, but the world can suck it. Who would have thought that a blog that started off with posts about marking my territory and chopping off my arms and legs would have led to me calling CNN's Anderson Cooper a pedophile, terrorist underwear, and squirrel hatred. What's in store for the coming year? Squirrels, kung-fu monkeys, and mocking Obama are the easy answer, but also...
  • insulting the founder of a world religion
  • chickens
  • chucking cats off the roof
  • ancient secret martial arts manuals
  • lawnmowers
  • stuff not related to watermelon Jolly Ranchers

And maybe, if I have time, illustrations and also maybe a mascot.

p.s. If you're tired of my inanities and my politics, Jen at Morta Di Fame has a foodie blog. She started her blog about the same time I did, we're both Sicilian-Americans and, for some reason, we both have the same background color on our blogs. Also, she has photos of pizza which, next to watermelon Jolly Ranchers, is nature's perfect food.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

This Is Gay

No, I mean this is really gay. It's also vaguely hypnotic. These are soldiers from the 82nd Airborne over in Afghanistan who decided to use their free time to lip-synch a Lady Gaga song. Personally, I don’t care how much free time they had or how bored they got, there is just no excuse. Lady Gaga is never the answer.