I'm Packin', Yo!

So anyway, in addition to enacting what's left of Arizona's anti-illegal immigration law tomorrow, Arizona is also enacting our concealed carry law. Arizona becomes one of three states that allow their citizens to carry a handgun concealed without a permit. I know what your saying, "How are you going to coordinate your wardrobe with your piece?" The obvious answer would be to wear a leather trench coat and tie two shotguns under each shoulder because that would be totally badass. Unfortunately for us Arizonans, it's hot and sweaty at the moment, so that doesn't leave a lot of options that go with a t-shirt and shorts except one of those tiny little Keltecs. But if I do end up in a tuxedo later in the evening, sipping a very dry martini at the Chemin de Fer table, I'm going with the Sig P230.

Breaking News! Sandwich Ordered

Maybe you missed it but a federal judge struck down the Arizona anti-illegal immigration law in a lawsuit that Obama brought against Arizona. You know, because he felt that needlessly politicizing a state law would be good politics. And while Barack Obama didn't feel the need to take any political heat today when the judgement was handed down, and his biggest fans ever, the media, hardly felt the need to sully his sterling image with the commoners' problems, they did report on other Obama related news. And here it is, the sub that President Barack Obama ordered to go, a half of a #5 at the Tastee Sub Shop in Edison, New Jersey. The NY Daily news described it as, "a salivating symphony of pressed ham, boiled ham, salami, capicola, prosciuttini and provolone." Wow, that almost makes me forget about all those dead Mexicans in the desert.

Democrats Can't Do Math

Democrats are losing it while trying to rally the troops, and their math skills seem to be suffering because of it. They sent out a memo to try to explain how they are not going to lose the House, no siree, Bob.

"Here's the memo's argument about the number of seats in play:

Republicans will need to win 39 seats to take back the House. Democrats will win at least four Republican seats (the best opportunities include: LA-02, HI-01, IL-10, DE-AL, FL-25). As a result, the real number of seats Republicans will have to pick up to win a majority is at least 43. "

Ummm, no, Republicans still need to win 39 seats. All 435 seats are up for election. Right now Republicans have 179 seats and they need 39 seats to get to a majority. The idea that Republicans need to win 43 means that Dems don't think they'll lose any seats they hold now. The interesting logic comes when the memo says they will win at least four Republican seats. Well, if you take the "best opportunities" seats listed, 4 of them are listed as a tossup or lean Democrat in polls (FL-25 leans Republican). That's all fine and good, except those four races are the only Republican seats leaning or a tossup for Democrats. You know how many Democratic seats lean Republican or are tossups? 54! So by House leadership memo logic, Democrats will win 4 Republican seats, but Republicans will win 54 Democratic seats. 54 minus 4 equals a gain of 50 seats. For Republicans.

h/t Gabriel Malor

Team....Kerry?

Recently Massachusetts Senator John Kerry got into a little bit of trouble for docking his yacht in tax-free Rhode Island rather than in insatiable-tax-monster Massachusetts. The boat he bought in Rhode Island is estimated to have cost $7 million dollars, which amounts to about $500,000 in sales tax to be paid to Massachusetts. In addition to this, Massachusetts expects him to pay an annual excise tax of $70,000. Now, I'm not going to go into the hypocrisy of someone like John Kerry, a serial tax imposer, trying to dodge taxes. There are many, many, many examples of someone like John Kerry writing laws that they never imagined they would be subjected to. But here's my problem, he bought the boat in Rhode Island! Regardless as to where he docks the boat, why should he have to pay sales tax to Massachusetts if the boat was bought in another state? I get the schadenfreude of sticking it to a hypocritical politician, but in this specific case, I would rather stick it to a greedy bankrupt state, like Massachusetts, which can't stop finding new ways to tax their 'subjects' because they're too effin' stupid to stop spending.

It's Usually Best If You Don't Ask Me About My Hobbies

So anyway, I was pricing chloral hydrate on the internet for ... um ... a school project .... when I ran across a little tidbit o' knowledge. Because of the chlorination process of city water supplies, there is actually some chloroform and chloral hydrate in your tap water. This is only on the order of one thirtieth of a part per million, so you're probably safe. But if you suddenly wake up not remembering why you're on the kitchen floor, or whether your pants were buttoned or unbuttoned when you fell asleep, it was probably ... the tap water.

Random Lyrics?! Umm...No

OK, this is where I would have put some random lyrics from some song that most people don't know anyway. I decided to go with a playlist. Side A is Heavier, Side B is nicer.

Side A

• The Buzzcocks-Harmony In My Head
• Jon Spencer Blues Explosion-Full Grown(language warning, ask your parents)
• Pissing Razors-Dodging Bullets
• Unsane-Sick
• Queens Of The Stone Age-3's And 7's

Side B

• David Bowie-Modern Love
• Camera Obscura-Honey In The Sun
• Pia Fraus-Japanese Heart Software
• The Primitives-Secrets
• STAR-Artificial Planes

Yeah, We Know

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of A Sudden. Again

• When the police come by asking about recent hit and runs in the area, apparently having "Murdersaurus" scrawled on your truck in human blood is some sort of tip off.
• If I wore dress pants in the traditional manner, I would wonder why they are harder to take off than regular pants.
• When people talk about someone's "meteoric rise", do they realize that meteors don't rise, they fall. From the sky. And crash.
• There's an old line that says you shouldn't mock the dead. But mocking the living also has its share of problems, especially if the living have guns.
• When Joe Biden looks in the mirror, do you think he sees what we see, or do you think he sees some random dude with a mustache?
• I certainly hope France (the country) knows that banning face veils will present an undue hardship on ninjas. They're the real victims here.

They're Beginning To Understand!

Yeah, I'm Shocked Too

So anyway, last Thursday, they shut down all the speed cameras here in Phoenix. The cameras were kind of controversial from the very beginning, especially for those people who got caught by them, and then decided to take a baseball bat to them. Ostensibly, the reason the cameras were put up in the first place was for safety. We, the stupid masses, were driving too fast, and it was totally harshing the buzz of our government overlords who were obviously so worried about us splattering our little brains all over their pretty freeways. Of course, the real reason the speed cameras were put in was that our local government probably expected a windfall of cash from speeding drivers to paper over their misappropriations of taxpayer funds. They just had one problem, Arizonans followed the law! (yeah, I'm shocked too) And because of our lack of consideration, the influx of cash their greedy little minds were expecting didn't materialize. They couldn't even pay for the operational costs of the cameras, so they had to cancel the program. I guess they weren't so concerned with safety after all.

June Is The Un-Funniest Month

And July ain't lookin so hot either. I usually like to post at least ten articles a month, but I haven't had the time for a while. And when I have had the time, through the magic of insomnia, I just haven't been able to come up with anything good or funny to say. Last year, I didn't have a single post in June, and I can't remember any reason why. And I'm not the only one. I've noticed that a lot of bloggers that I read have tapered off lately and some "haven't felt funny lately",including me. Maybe it's just the dog days of summer, but if something doesn't change soon, I may just have to start blogging my grocery lists.

Terrorists Are, Like, Totally Racist

What does President Barry Douchebag do when he doesn't have anything substantial to rebut an argument with? He plays the race card. He's played it, and continues to play it, against Republicans, the Tea Party, and anyone else who challenges his super awesome opposite world logic, whether it's on healthcare, or the economy, or...terrorism? That's right, the President is calling Al-Quaeda racist.... because they kill Africans. Hotair.com points out some of the flaws in his logic, like...oh, I don't know....the fact that Al-Quaeda pretty much kills everyone, regardless of race, religion, or whatever. But I'm more horrified by his race card logic. The douchebags who play the race card only play it once they've lost the argument and they have nowhere else to go (I mean besides admitting that they are wrong). Does the fact that Obama is playing the race card mean that he really doesn't understand why terrorism is bad and therefore can't make a convincing case against it? Maybe it might be best if he just keeps his mouth shut, at least for appearances' sake.

I Was Just Thinking, It May Be Time For Some Random Lyrics

Prez gorite, prez poliata,
pod zvezdite, nad zhitata,
na samolet, korab i mototsiklet
Shte patuvat prez noshta,
risuvat prez denia i shte spiat do obed
Viatarat gi bruli na srebaren emm-zet
i shte piat gorski chai ot zlaten samovar
Litsata im greiat s ognenen zagar.
Prez gorite, prez poliata,
pod zvezdite, nad zhitata,
na samolet, korab i mototsiklet
Shte patuvat prez noshta,
risuvat prez denia i shte spiat do obed.

'He Was Trying To Get Elected'

Apparently, Bill Clinton was giving a speech at West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd's funeral and felt the need to try to defend the senator's fleeting three-decades-long association with the Ku Klux Klan. First of all, when Bill Clinton is the one trying to defend you , you probably have some problems. Second, even when Bill was defending his own behavior, his explanations weren't that believable. So when he said Byrd's KKK afiliation should be excused because, "He was trying to get elected", I'm not sure he was doing Sen. Byrd all that much good. Here, let's try some more...

• Well, I may have slept with her, but I was trying to get elected.
• I may have killed that prostitute, but I was trying to get elected!
• I may have been caught rigging an election, but I was trying to get elected!
• Sure, I made promises to the Chinese to sell them nuclear secrets for campaign contributions, but I was trying to get elected!
• I lied to Congress about getting a intern to schnorgle my jimmy, but I was trying to get re-elected!

See, not very convincing. Maybe Bill should have gone with the whole "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'racist' is" defense.

And He Still Lost!

Due to his continued slide in both popularity and international reputation, Obama has been forced to resort to conducting foreign diplomacy with staring contests. It's not going well.