Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas

Friday, December 23, 2011

This Is Where I Was Going To Do A Post On Barney Frank Phoning It In...

...but it's much too horrible and I don't want to sully this blog with man boobs. So here's a photo of Charlize Theron looking really good.

Friday Music Bloggy: Christmas Edition

One of the few modern Christmas songs that I like.

Our B+ President Is Being Graded On A Curve

A really generous curve. Playing Protect The Retard™ the other day, Tommy Christopher corrects New Jersey governor Chris Christie's assertion that Barack Obama had a full two years of filibuster-proof-to-pass-any-bill-I-want majority in Congress cause c'mon he only had like 7 months. And while you may wonder how a former community organizer couldn't have gotten by with just 59 votes and then used his considerable community organizer-y powers to muster more than zero votes, Tommy moves on to the advanced version of Protect The Retard (Special Edition)™ to explain that, really, he actually only had 14 weeks. I'm not sure why anyone would be drawing attention to how ineffective Obama has been as President but if they really want to pad his record they could also factor in his vacation and cocktail party time. Then they could knock his filibuster-proof Congress time down to maybe one afternoon. On a Friday. And you know no one wants to work on a Friday afternoon.

p.s. If this is the kind of crap that journalists are shoveling now to protect this adorable little puppy of a president, then next year's election season is going to be absolutely delicious.

Some People Still Know How To Make Commercials

I don't know why I would buy a car that can fit in the back of my pickup, but for some reason that seems kind of appealing right now.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

This Is What YouTube Is For...

I love this James Bond stuff. For whatever reason, I was trolling YouTube looking for old F1 races when I found this, the security video of a Mossad operation from last year. What do you do when you're after an arms dealer who kidnapped and killed two Israeli soldiers? If you're Israel, you hatch a highly complicated assassination plot involving at least thirty people and multiple origin and escape countries and take the sob out.

Guess Who's Got Himself A New Nickname

I was watching one of those History Channel things when they happened to mention that because of her massive spending habits and the failing French economy at the time, Marie Antoinette was called Madame Déficit. Considering that we just hit $15 trillion in debt while running trillion dollar deficits, I think someone just earned a new nickname.

I Guess My Bloggers' Block Is Just Going To Have To Continue

So anyway, I've been having trouble coming up with things to write about to entertain you people, so I've been trying to shake myself out of this funk. But nothing's worked. Finally, the other day I said to myself, "Self, turn on the computer and write anything about the very first article that catches your attention, just to get it out of the way." This is the article.

I...I have no words. Probably the worst part about this is that the "Feds" who regulate sperm donation are the Food and Drug Administration.

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of a Sudden

  • Lewis and Clark carried an airgun with them.
  • Confederate money is worth more than regular money today.
  • Wait, it's Harry Belafonte? Crap, I've been calling him Larry.
  • When a priest molests a child it's an indictment of all Catholics. When a coach/teacher molests a kid it is not an indictment of our education system.
  • Nolan Ryan never won a Cy Young.
  • All watermelon candies taste the same but none of them taste like real watermelon.
  • The 20th century was the most socialist era in human history.
  • The secret to winning a tontine is picking really accident prone people.
  • (Saw this one on twitter) The perfect crime would be commiting a crime while eating donuts.
  • iPhones make great toys for babies.

I've Been Burned By Prequels Before...

...but this looks good. Fingers crossed.

Best Of 2011: This Is How I'll Remember The Occupy Wall Street "Movement"

Time to catch up on stuff and clean out the never-made-it-to-the-blog bin before the year is up. In the same way that I remember those Star Wars prequels by the epic Harry Plinkett takedowns, this is how I'll remember the OWS trash of 2011. Adam Corolla gets on a roll (poor Alison Rosen) and goes off. Horribly profane but spot on.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Greatest Hockey Game Ever

9 goals, 3 fights in the last 30 seconds of the game, 465 penalty minutes, 16 ejections:

Which obviously reminded me of this.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

In Case There Was Any Confusion...

"The American People will take Socialism, but they won't take the label. I certainly proved it in the case of EPIC. Running on the Socialist ticket I got 60,000 votes, and running on the slogan to 'End Poverty in California' I got 879,000. I think we simply have to recognize the fact that our enemies have succeeded in spreading the Big Lie. There is no use attacking it by a front attack, it is much better to out-flank them."

That's socialist Upton Sinclair in 1951 giving us a peek behind the transparent curtain of socialism, EPIC, redistributionism, communalism or whatever name they choose to use to reach their end result.

I'm Really Behind In Me Blogging

I've been trying to get out ten posts a month, but because of whatever and ever, I need 27 posts before the end of the year to catch up. So let's see...

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Poll Of The Day

From Washington Posts readers no less.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I Have Faith In This Stupid President

No seriously, I have faith in Barry.Yeah, I know he sucks and all that, but did you ever think that maybe his suckage is actually kind of comforting? I mean his suckage is so predictable that I can barely blog about it, such is the lack of outrage. Or at least it has been since he lost his filibuster proof super majority. You remember that, right, when he could have done everything he's going to propose in his speech tonight without any Republican support at all? But anyways, since then he's just been so ineffectual.  It's almost as if he's so intellectually incurious that he doesn't have the ability to learn. It's just the same stupid stuff over and over. Honestly, what kind of a former community organizer is this bad dealing with other people? Isn't that all community organizers do? And now he wants to give another speech. On the same day when people will be more concerned with who won the Republican presidential debate, or opening day of the NFL season, or Peyton Manning being out the whole year(???)! Want to know what he's going to say tonight? Here's the gist of it from Monday's Labor Day speech.

So I’m going to propose ways to put America back to work that both parties can agree to, because I still believe both parties can work together to solve our problems. And given the urgency of this moment, given the hardship that many people are facing, folks have got to get together.

But we’re not going to wait for them. (Applause.) We’re going to see if we’ve got some straight shooters in Congress. We’re going to see if congressional Republicans will put country before party. (Applause.) We’ll give them a plan, and then we’ll say, do you want to create jobs? Then put our construction workers back to work rebuilding America. (Applause.) Do you want to help our companies succeed? Open up new markets for them to sell their products. You want -- you say you’re the party of tax cuts? Well then, prove you’ll fight just as hard for tax cuts for middle-class families as you do for oil companies and the most affluent Americans. (Applause.) Show us what you got. (Applause.)

The time for Washington games is over. (Applause.) The time for action is now. No more manufactured crises. No more games. Now is not the time for the people you sent to Washington to worry about their jobs; now is the time for them to worry about your jobs. (Applause.)

If he doesn't quote this verbatim I'll be shocked. So go watch some football. You're not missing anything.

p.s. The quote thing on Blogger doesn't work.

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden

  • The Colbert Report is a minstrel show
  • Teachers who reach tenure don't have to pay back their student loans.
  • The lesson of Rambo: First Blood is be nice to drifters.
  • Natalie Portman is Israeli (I had no idea)
  • You cannot scan money. No really.
  • Helen Keller was a socialist.
  • The PIT maneuver is actually kind of frowned upon if you're not a cop.

Friday, September 2, 2011

The Post Wherein I Try To Break My Writer's Block

Or blogger's block, whatever. I was just thinking that maybe Obama doesn't need to wait till next year to know whether he'll be elected. September and October are kind of notorious for market crashes and judging from the fact that I'm blogging from under a table in the fetal position, this may indicate that there is some uneasiness in the economy. First there were rumors that Bank of America was in trouble and then Warren Buffett confirmed those rumors by giving them a mini-bailout. Now, Obama is suing EVERYONE with a bank. Especially Bank Of America, who was already getting sued. And who's up for even worse unemployment? Not me, but then nobody ever asks me. And Europe? Good Lord, are they screwed. Yeah, they actually make us look good. Which is like saying, "Yeah, I'm a victim of John Wayne Gacy, but at least it wasn't Jeffrey Dahmer who got me". But at least we have a president in charge who's...who's...

Hey Hey It's The Monkees

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I Didn't Want To Post This

But dangit it cracks me up.

It's too darn hot to blog

Summer is still roasting here in Phoenicia and my vacuum tube and steam powered computer is just too darned hot to touch the keys. Either that or I've been under my desk hiding from the coming economic Barackocalypse. Or I can't come up with anything funny to write because it's too darned hot. One of these.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

This Is Why You Don't Stand Next To A Race Track

He Took "It" Out

I'm very disappointed in you people. I've been way too busy to post on Weiner Gate ,the pinnacle of all conservative humor blogging material, but unless I missed it, no one(!) posted this...??

Friday, May 27, 2011

Friday, May 20, 2011

Lame Humour Is Still Humour

Everybody Draw Mohammed Day

Mohammed Would Not Approve Of The Internet

Just so we're clear, Mohammed didn't just ban his image, he banned all images of people and animals. His belief was that only Allah could create, or something, so making images of living things, any living thing, was prohibited. So if you're one of those people who has adorable bunnies on your screen saver, cartoon pictures of Obama on your bedsheets (like Chris Matthews) or that icon on your desktop titled "work" but which actually contains crudely drawn pictures of squirrels gettin' it on, you are in violation of Mohammed's commandments and a Muslim will behead you. And then he'll probably have a light lunch. So while the left wing of America wrings their hands at people showing images of a prophet (banned by a religion they don't belong to), they're probably not aware that they need to ask themselves why they have been violating Mohammed's laws their entire lives.

Would If I Could Music Friday

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

RIP Harmon

I only have one autograph (I'm not big on autographs) from one sports figure, and it's Harmon's. A tremendously nice guy.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Yeah, He Gets This One

That's right, I 'll give him his due. He took a little more credit for Osama Bin Laden's death than I'm comfortable with (that whole "I" when he wants credit, and "we" when he wants to share the blame), but yeah, he gets this one. And the fact that he obliterated Donald Trump in the same weekend means he gets a check plus. So now I'm going to say something that I have never said on this blog, and probably won't say again. Nice job, Obama. In fact, since I'm so happy that Osama Bin Laden is toast, I think I'll refrain from saying anything unkind about you for one full week.

Dead Terrorists Make Me Happy

I'm not quite sure why more people aren't jumping for joy over a dead terrorist, but I am. I'm actually giddy knowing this piece of garbage is gone. If you're one of those people who think that makes me as bad as the terrorists, you're a retard. And you can go screw yourself. Also, here's Cheeseburger.
Cheeseburger - Winner (Official Music Video). Watch more top selected videos about: Cheeseburger

Monday, May 2, 2011

Arab-Americans Celebrate Osama's Death

via Ace Of Spades

Osama's Last Words

Because of translational irregularities in Pakistani dialects, as well as noise from helicopters and machine gun fire, there are conflicting reports over the last thing that Osama Bin Laden said before having his brains reassigned by U.S. Navy SEALs...
  • Does anyone else hear a helicopter?
  • Jeez, and I just bought tickets to the opera!
  • That was like ten years ago! You're still mad?
  • Maybe I should have messed with Belgium instead
  • What a day. First the dry cleaner shrinks my shirt, and now this
  • Well, at least I got to see the royal wedding
  • That fortune cookie was right!
  • But I donated to his campaign!
  • Don't point those rifles at me! That's not in accordance with Islamic law!
  • I hope they don't bury me at sea.

Dude, Abbottabad Sounds Awesome

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Leading From Behind (The Desk)

I laughed. I cried. I cried some more. By the end of reading The New Yorker's article "The Consequentialist" I was already thinking up ways to destroy the earth. Alas, I could only guarantee that three fifths of the world's population would be wiped out, leaving a full two fifths of the world to survive something more horrible than being eaten alive by rabid marmosets (that's what I came up with): living out the rest of Obama's term. I linked the quote below, but you can save yourself some stupidity-through-osmosis by not reading the whole thing. Here's the notable quote anyway...
"Obama may be moving toward something resembling a doctrine. One of his advisers described the President’s actions in Libya as “leading from behind.” That’s not a slogan designed for signs at the 2012 Democratic Convention, but it does accurately describe the balance that Obama now seems to be finding. It’s a different definition of leadership than America is known for, and it comes from two unspoken beliefs: that the relative power of the U.S. is declining, as rivals like China rise, and that the U.S. is reviled in many parts of the world. Pursuing our interests and spreading our ideals thus requires stealth and modesty as well as military strength. “It’s so at odds with the John Wayne expectation for what America is in the world,” the adviser said. “But it’s necessary for shepherding us through this phase.”"
That's right, leading from behind. You see, even though Obama is stupid, naive, arrogant, a terrible dancer and too cowardly to actually stand behind anything even resembling a "doctrine", the media, university professors and barristas are going to celebrate everything he does as if it was the right thing to do. Of course I do sort of agree with one part. If we are going to be shepherded (Sheesh, "shepherded"? Really?) through a new phase of second place-ism and diminished expectations with a loss of liberties, what better person to lead us from behind than Barack Hussein Obama? It's ok if you cry. That's what Obama would do.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Who's Going To Replace Glenn Beck?

How should I know? What do I look like, some expert on cable news shows? But anyway, here's my stupid opinion. I think it will be John Roberts. I would have thought that they would try to continue Glenn Beck's format with Judge Napolitano, who has been Beck's replacement when Beck was on vacation. But then I thought it was strange that they hired Roberts this January and that Roberts would take a demotion to be just a national correspondent on Fox when he had been an anchor on CBS and CNN. There have also been reports of friction between Roger Ailes and Rupert Murdoch over Beck and his show's format, so switching to more of a straight news guy seems to make sense. It also means that they knew Beck was going a while ago. The one thing I do know is that they should move Redeye (with Greg Gutfeld) up to Beck's old rerun spot.

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden

  • Chickens don't respond to threats.
  • I just don't understand people. When they ask for license and registration, what difference does it make which body part you use to hand it to them? Stupid judge.
  • George W. Bush was stupid because he pronounced nuclear new-cue-lar, because it's not spelled that way. But everyone isn't stupid for pronouncing February feb-you-ary when it's not spelled that way.
  • Doctors don't take the Hippocratic oath anymore. And they haven't for quite a while.
  • Things would have turned out a lot better for Oedipus Rex if he didn't kill his father and marry his mother.
  • Saying "Oh no, she di'in't!" really loud during a murder trial is contempt of court. Stupid judge.

Friday, April 8, 2011

We Always Hurt 'The One' We Love

I'll admit it, I've been taking Obama for granted. Like most people, I've never realized the significance of electing someone named Barack Hussein Obama. Also William Howard Taft, but that's a different story. Anyways, I've decided to make amends...
  • I will refrain from drawing a mustache on the icon-like painting that the ObamaCare bill mandates we put up in our homes. (Man, I really wish we had read that thing more carefully).
  • No more jokes referring to him as a woman unless I think I can get a laugh.
  • I will stop asking for his birth certificate because seriously, if he's this intent on hiding it, it's got to be pretty darned scary.
  • I will finally give Obama credit for all those volcanic eruptions he's prevented.  
  • No more jokes about the White House property being a sasquatch preserve. 
  • I will make sure at least one part of my anatomy is facing Mecca the next time I vote.
  • I will not talk about Obama like a dog anymore. I will however continue to talk about him like a cat.
crossposted at

    For Divine (Who Probably Smells Like Ranch Dressing)

    It's A Please Help Me Music Friday

    Dear Lord, this is what has been dancing around me poor brain.

    And this is what I have been trying to bludgeon it out with.

    No matter how loud I crank it, it's still Xanadu.

    p.s. Music nerd time. That Foo Fighter is playing North drums.

    Pastor Terry Jones Strikes Again

    No, I'm not talking about those UN workers who were killed by Muslims because Pastor Terry Jones burned a bunch of Korans in Florida or wherever. I'm talking about the rash of hobo murders that have been occurring in my neighborhood since Terry Jones started burning Korans. The media (and some idiotic Senators) have made it clear that Muslims who murder people are not solely responsible as long as anyone, in any way, perturbs them. Which brings us to these hobo murders. That pastor guy burns some Korans and all of a sudden hobo bodies start showing up in alleys, floating in swimming pools and accidently falling off buildings? It's Muslims! There's simply no other explanation! And while some people (specifically the police who were questioning me about how my fingerprints ended up on those bindles and floppy shoes that were arranged to spell out "koran") may say that this has something to do with a illegal drug factory that may or may not be providing certain people with supplemental income in these harsh economic times, there's no mistaking the fact that Terry Jones is just plain responsible for inciting even more Muslims to kill innocent bystanders. Clearly, if Pastor Jones were locked up so that he couldn't burn any more Korans, these hobo killings would stop. Unless of course I needed more drug mules.

    crossposted at

    Tuesday, April 5, 2011

    Ok, computer problems have been fixed(?) and allergy-addled brain now almost up to half capacity, let's see if I have the ability to string a few sentences together.

    I'm Dizzy

    I'm going though stuff that I started but never got around to posting. I forgot to post this. Pass the Dramamine.

    Climbing A 1786 Foot Tall Tower - Watch more Funny Videos

    Saturday, April 2, 2011

    No, Melinda, It's Just The Random Lyrics

    Just put yourself in my new shoes
    And see that I do what I do
    Because the old guard still offend
    They've got nothing left on which we depend
    So enlist every ounce
    Of your bright blood
    And off with their heads
    Jump from The hook
    You're not obliged
    To swallow anything you despise
    That you despise

    Tuesday, March 22, 2011

    This Gives Me A Special Feeling

    I'm not sure I should be reading the news anymore, but a Superintendent of a school district, a school district which just happens to be closing schools and firing people because they can't pay the bills, will get to retire, start collecting his pension, and then get rehired (the very next day!) at his old salary while at the same time still collect his pension because, you know, he's retired. His salary is $130,000 plus perks. His pension is around $105,000. He will be collecting $265,000 in total per year. Which for some reason, reminds me of this...

    Oh, and um, the school district will also give him $11,238 so he can buy his own health-insurance. Have a nice day.

    Tuesday, March 15, 2011

    Entire Obama Presidency Actually A James O'Keefe Scam

    This article from is funnier than anything I was going to come up with today. If you can't beat 'em, link 'em.
    nation was left reeling yesterday by the revelation that the presidential
    election of 2008 was a hoax. The shocking announcement came when White House
    press secretary Jay Carney told reporters that Barack Obama has been working in
    secret with conservative provocateur James O'Keefe since 2007
    If only it were true...

    cross-posted at

    I Have Become An Evil Conservative

    Well, I always have been, but now it's official. Evil Aaron Burr has asked me to contribute to his evil website, Evil Conservatives, apparently because he's never read this site when he wasn't on the sauce. Obviously, when he sobers up he'll realize what a mistake he's made, but until then it's still quite nice of him. I'm not sure how I'm going to split time between my posts here and there; maybe I'll post the political stuff over there or crosspost, non lo so. Either way, I have to go throw up now because I have been sick as a dog.

    Friday, March 11, 2011

    Friday Music

    Their album comes out on Tuesday.

    Tuesday, March 1, 2011

    Viva Random Lyrics

    I don't learn from mistake
    Viva erratic viva uncertaintay
    I left time to say
    Viva enigma viva your mysteray

    I lay patiently wait
    Viewing with pleasure all your activitays
    I script every line
    As you down bottles of pure miseray

    For there's been nothing in this world ever like the show

    And it's the stuff that gets you up in the morning
    And it's the stuff that keeps you dancing as I'm buying
    And selling you as if you were the same
    As the boots I am wearing

    But I don't change things and change things
    I'd be very leary of who does
    But if pillars of steam add a gold sheen to Virginia sunsets
    You could learn to love
    And now my ego's wailing

    She can't tell her daddy who she loves
    It's those white mans' game
    For there was not a day they were onto us

    Thursday, February 24, 2011

    Signs Of An Islamic Revolution - Stage Three - The End

    This is basically Armageddon to Islamic society. When the chicken makes its appearance, you have unequivocally reached a point of no return. In fact, beyond no return. Leaders in Islamic countries simply resign and go into comas when the chicken gets displayed, because to undue the chicken is so impossible that a thousand Muslims at a thousand typewriters typing for a thousand years could not come up with even the beginning of an idea to undue the chicken. There is almost no way to communicate its horrible magnitude to non-Islamic countries. As a rough estimate it's as if you launched every nuclear missile on earth at a single city and then sent giant feral mutated cats who haven't eaten in a week to viciously comb the debris for any survivors while at the same time it's being paved over with seventeen feet of asphalt. Only it's a million times worse.

    Signs Of An Islamic Revolution - Stage Two

    This is just devastating. The right shoe and the left shoe being displayed like bunny ears. I've only searched back to the end of the caliphates, but just forty percent of Arab leaders I've researched have survived the display of the bunny shoe ears. It is so feared that dictators often close all shoe stores and make no mention of the Easter bunny when they seize control of a country. What could be worse than the bunny shoe ears?

    Signs Of An Islamic Revolution - Stage One

    Money, it's gotta be the shoes! I'm not exactly sure how or why displaying your shoes became such an insult in the Arab world, but if you're a dictator and you see the shoes come out, you know you're in trouble. For proper effect, you apparently have to display your right shoe, or at least I've never seen any left shoes being displayed except....

    Wednesday, February 23, 2011

    This Just Isn't Funny Anymore

    Obama's lack of a response regarding the situation in Libya was because he had a scheduling issue. No, I'm serious, that is his excuse. Not whatever the hell Allahpundit's been saying this past week, but a scheduling issue. It may be time to talk impeachment. I'm so...confused...but... with a touch of blinding rage... followed by inconsolable shame. I'm so annoyed right now, I can't even think up anything funny to say, like reasons that Obama was too busy to respond to an international crisis. Such as...
    • Michelle had an ass flat so Obama was calling around all week trying to find a new one in the same make and model.
    • He still hasn't gotten over the Bears loss in the playoffs. He just sits in the dark listening to the Superbowl Shuffle over and over.
    • He was partying with Charlie Sheen (and therefore...)
    • He's back on the Cocaine Train.
    • He was partying with new mayor of Chicago Rahm Emanuel (and therefore...)
    • He was in jail and had to be bailed out after being arrested at Man's Country for causing "an incident".
    • Biden gave him directions to the White House kitchen and he's been lost this whole time.
    • He's been held spellbound for weeks by Natalie Portman's nuanced yet powerful portrayal of The Black Swan.
    • He was listening to the really long version of Desperado, and no one interupts him when he's listening to Desperado.
    • He couldn't find anything to wear for the press conference. You know how it is. Am I right, ladies?
    • He tried to sneak a cigarette and accidently locked himself in a closet.
    • He was looking for his birth certificate.
    • He was trying to think of more people to offend so he could have another beer summit. Seriously, that was some tasty beer.
    • He thought if he spoke out, people would think he was an incompetent sham president who only got elected because....oh wait...

    Tuesday, February 15, 2011

    Question Of The Day

    If a foreign country, as part of some diabolical plot, decided to get a bunch of politicians elected in order to bankrupt our country, would it be much different from what we have now?

    You Can't Reason With A Psychopath

    Obama came out with a new budget for the next fiscal year and it just goes to show you can't teach a old dog new ways to not destroy a country he's determined to destroy. I'll leave you to read the highlights at NRO but here is the point that should get everyone to start picking out cliffs from which to hurl yourself when it all goes pear-shaped; Obama's own deficit commission recommended to him to reduce the debt by $4 trillion over the next ten years in order to avoid "financial catastrophe" but Obama's plan reduces the deficit by only 1.1 trillion. Isn't that nice? He had no problem raising the deficit by a trillion every horrible year he's been in office, but he can't think of one way to reduce it by one fourth that per year. Clearly, this is intentional and we're all expletive-deleted.

    p.s. My line "...picking out cliffs from which to hurl yourself..." originally read "...picking out cliffs from which to hurl politicians..." but then I thought, "Who would ever blame politicians?"

    Friday, February 11, 2011

    Things I Suddenly Realized All Of A Sudden

    • The best time to make sausage.... is when they least expect it.

    • I really hate Hitler. That guy totally ruined Charlie Chaplin mustaches for the rest of us.

    • If the theory of evolution is correct, wouldn't we have furrier feet?

    • Ritalin is a contributing factor in childhood obesity

    • I really hate British soccer announcers

    • One man's "composting" is another man's "getting rid of evidence", especially if the another man is a cop.

    Wednesday, February 2, 2011

    Ed Rendell Is A Schmuck

    It's kind of hilarious how concerned Democrats are about other people's money. It's also pretty funny how upset they get when people don't understand their screwed up way of thinking. Because you're only smart if you agree with them. Thanks, Ed.

    p.s. If a Republican had said anything close to this, it would be national news. They (all Republicans) would be called arrogant and out of touch and there would be speculation that they have anger management or emotional problems. But he's a Dem, so who cares?

    Tuesday, February 1, 2011

    Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? Because Chuck Schumer Isn't.

    I know it's an awful lot to expect a member of our government to actually know something about our government, like what the three branches of government are, but seriously, how ridiculously stupid is Chuck Schumer? Shouldn't he be ashamed to show his face in public? It's like watching a surgeon say, "What's that wiggly thing?" during a heart operation.

    Who's Yer Daddy?

    He: Random? She: Lyrics

    Cause if I have to die tonight
    I'd rather be with you
    Cut the parachute before the dive
    Baby don't you cry
    You have to bring me down
    We had some fun before we hit the ground

    Love is like an aeroplane
    You jump and then you pray
    The lucky ones remain
    In the clouds for days
    If life is just a stage
    Let's put on the best show
    And let everyone know

    Love is like a hurricane
    You know it's on the way
    You think you can be brave
    Underneath the waves
    If life is just a dream
    Which of us is dreaming?
    And who will wake up screaming?

    Cause if I have to die tonight
    I'd rather it was you
    Cut the parachute before the dive
    Baby don't you cry
    You have to bring me down
    We had some fun before we hit the ground

    Friday, January 28, 2011

    Someone's Not Taking The Bye-Week Well

    Friday Music Bloggy

    I couldn't decide which way to go, so you get two videos this week. The first video is kinda gay, but the song rocks and it has three, count 'em three guitar solos. The second video is more mopey but it has the lovely Hope Sandoval of Mazzy Star in it.

    Thursday, January 27, 2011

    Drug Smugglers Getting All Medievel On Our Asses

    You know how they say Arizona is "under siege" from drug smugglers and human traffickers? Well, they're kind of right, literally. Apparently, smugglers have gone back to ancient technologies like catapults to transport drugs across the border. No word yet on whether they are using these to get illegal aliens across, but it's only a matter of time before someone complains that I'm using the wrong term and that it should really be called a trebuchet, to which I take offense and challenge said rapscallion to a duel of rapiers and bucklers. But I have some other thoughts...
    • Does Mexico suck so bad that they still have to use medievel technology?
    • They've been using these things to deliver enchiladas around town for a while, so it was only a matter of time, I guess.
    • I guarantee that they built that catapult from parts they bought at Home Depot.
    • The Historical Society is already complaining that they weren't using period-appropriate costumes.
    • Did it really take this long to figure out that keestering drugs is not that much fun?

    Keep This In Mind The Next Time Someone Says Obama Is A Great Speaker...

    Via, NPR asked its listeners to provide three words to describe Obama's State Of The Union speech. This is what you call a failure to communicate...

    Thursday, January 20, 2011

    How Is This Not The Saddest Thing Ever?

    Via, apparently, members of Congress are carrying around their own backgrounds for interviews. I honestly don't know what to say. It's such an blatant example of why they suck, that, despite the fact that they are always lowering the bar of acceptable behavior, I'm still kind of surprised.

    Friday, January 14, 2011

    Friday Music Bloggy

    The Fateful Return Of Random Lyrics

    She won't speak to me
    Won't speak
    And it's all my own fault

    Baby I'm afraid to let you know
    They stole the show and towed the rowboat
    Though slow
    We're on the go like rabbits in the snow

    Baby I'm a lonely kind of man
    Like a rapper with a forty in his hand
    I can't stand
    When you talk about that other man

    Wednesday, January 12, 2011

    The Post Where My Blood Pressure Does Unpleasant Things

    First of all, those weren't Arizonans. I'm referring to the Gabrielle Gifford Memorial/campaign stop that Obama organized for tonight. I have no idea how people "scored" tickets to this awesome event, but I have heart palpitations right now thinking that idiots all across the country will think that we would act like that during a memorial event for a mass murder. No, this was the first stop of Barack Obama's 2012 reelection campaign. I can only assume that tickets for this event were distributed by the DNC to their voter rolls judging by the inane clapping and cheering that went on. Did Napolitano get off some really good lines? I couldn't hear because of the rushing sound in my ears, but it must have been great to see so many Democratic stars in one place. I hope someone saved me a t-shirt! And did Obama try a Sonora dog? Because the concession stands were open during this solemn event. Why? I don't know. I guess people like to eat when they know there's going to be entertainment. I'm feeling a little faint right now, I guess because a lot of people are saying it was a great speech. Really? So letting the media go hog wild for five straight days, lying and accusing conservatives of abetting murder, is fine as long as you can make a speech where you blame both sides(!) for unfortunate speech. What is he, graded on a curve? Does he get a cookie now? Have we gotten to the point where Obama succeeds just by not completely failing? This was not a memorial. This was an ass-saving event organized in a 14,000 seat college arena so Obama could try to look presidential but still let the media characterize conservatives as murderers. In other words, it was just politics. The only thing that would piss me off more is knowing that Obama's team set this up so they could say, "See, look how popular he is in Arizona. He's been screwing over that state but they still cheered for him. At a funeral!"

    How? How Can This President Suck Anymore?

    At the risk of spreading violent rhetoric™, Obama is a douchebag. Who the hell goes to a memorial service for a mass murder and thinks, "Say, how can I rebrand this "event" to reflect me?" Well, apparently Obama.

    Good News! Media Now Only 32% Effective

    According to a poll, only about 32% of Americans believe the media when they say that Jared Loughner killed those people in Tucson because Sarah Palin told him to, even though there's no evidence to support their ridiculous claims. The bad news, of course, is that 32% do believe the media when they say that Jared Loughner killed those people in Tucson because Sarah Palin told him to.

    Shaken Not Stirred

    The next Bond film comes out Nov. 9, 2012.

    Tuesday, January 11, 2011

    Heebie Jeebies

    Uh Oh! More Cross-Hairs Of The Evil Conservatives!

    A Rally Burger with cheese? Run, cheeseburger! Run! AAAAAAA!!!!

    You Know Who The Media Really Thinks Is Dangerous?

    Not the Tea Party. Not Glenn Beck or Rush Limbaugh. Not even Sarah Palin. How do I know? Because everyone in the media is a coward. Like politicians, they worry about their own safety first, and their response to Islamic terror is a perfect example. If the media really believed that the Tea Party or Republicans were truly dangerous, they would keep their mouths shut, just like they did when Muslims threatened anyone who printed Mohammed cartoons.

    Could A Conservative Get Away With This Hilarious "Joke"?

    Via SusanAnne Hiller at

    Bernie Sanders Finds The Silver Lining To Mass Murder

    Fundraising! You may think he'd have to be a horrible person to take advantage of a tragedy, but that's because you must have forgotten that Bernie Sanders is, literally, a socialist. If the millions of people killed under socialism don't bother him, do you really think he'd be squeamish about capitalising on this?

    There's Idiots In Illinois

    The fine people in Illinois are about to be rewarded for electing people who don't know how to balance a checkbook; their income taxes are almost going to double. Yes, the state that taught Barack Obama how to be fiscally disciplined is "swimming in debt". But wait, you may ask, how does raising taxes help to stem a problem where politicians outspent income? Won't this incourage politicians to keep spending, knowing that they can always raise taxes? No, these geniuses have thought of that.
    Legislative leaders agreed to impose strict caps on spending. If spending grows more than 2 percent a year, the income tax increase would immediately be canceled, officials said.

    See, so if politicians spend too much then...taxes go the debt will...wait...the debt is higher and taxes go down so...OK, these people are morons.

    p.s. And as always, please Chicagoans, don't move to another state. You made the mess, now live with it.

    Monday, January 10, 2011

    Stories I Missed Last Year

    Wanna See A Typical Daily Kos Reader?

    Yes, the moonbats at Daily Kos completely deserve this. While most people were being shocked and saddened by the Tucson shooting, Daily Kos and its ilk were busy trying to blame this on Sarah Palin. That's right, Sarah Palin. Let's hope they get the help they need before even more incidents like this occur.

    Anyone Who's Surprised By The Left's Response To The Giffords Shooting Hasn't Been Paying Attention To The Left

    Let's call it Schumerizing, you know, because Chuck Schumer is a piece of crap.

    The idea is to identify hot-button issues early, frame them in a favorable
    light for the party and allow Democratic senators to relentlessly drive home the
    point through press briefings, conference calls, newspaper op-eds and local

    “There will be a far more aggressive, more proactive, more
    rapid response than we’ve seen in the past,” said Sen. Robert Menendez of New

    And they sure are squeezing all the political gain they can out of the Tucson shooting. Remember, it's about getting their message out, not the truth.

    Bob Kerrey (D-ouchebag) (Updated)

    In case you were wondering whether Democrats were truly concerned about the shooting in Tucson or whether this is all fake outrage for political gain, here's ex-Senator Bob Kerrey, Democrat.

    Tomorrow they were going to vote to repeal this health care bill — and it’s not
    going to go anywhere in the Senate — it’s one of the reasons that this guy was

    So there you go, he was angry that healthcare was going to be repealed so he shot a Representative who voted for the healthcare bill.

    Update: Why Newsweek is going under. "Can Obama Turn Tragedy Into Triumph?
    Saturday’s shooting spree could prove a turning point in the Obama presidency
    ." They also quote Rahm Emanuel's, “You never want a serious crisis to go to waste,” except that they seem to think that profitting from someone else's crisis is a laudable goal. Good show, Newsweek!

    Mercedes Not Crosshairs

    I think they meant to put a peace symbol there, but Democrats are so out-of-their-minds right now, they may literally mean Mercedes.

    Wednesday, January 5, 2011

    Holy .... Dick Cheney Doesn't Have A Pulse!

    This is kind of freaky. Dick Cheney, that guy who makes liberals' heads explode on sight, had an artificial heart pump implanted during the summer because of longstanding heart problems. "The heart pump, known as a ventricular assist device, pushes blood continuously through the body in place of a normal heartbeat, creating the oddity of a patient with no pulse."

    Tuesday, January 4, 2011

    Can Anyone Relate To This Level Of Stupidity?

    Cubachi has a post on someone whining about Sarah Palin's show being more popular than his show. I'm sure a show called "What Not To Wear" is just riveting important television, but does an effeminate dandy acting bitchy really constitute "quality" television? And does that same dandy have the right to complain about anyone's show? Of course this is just Sarah Palin Derangement Syndrome that these people are suffering from, so it doesn't matter what Sarah Palin is doing, they're going to caterwaul like someone stuck a hat pin in them. And like you, I was dumbfounded that Joy Behar was anywhere near this stupid conversation.

    KELLY: I hate somebody who’s, like, Oh, look at nature. Look at this beautiful Alaska.

    BEHAR: Yes.

    KELLY: Look how beautiful everything is. Let’s go kill something…

    BEHAR: Right.

    KELLY: … because we need some meat in the refrigerator.

    BEHAR: I know. As if anybody in New York City can relate to this.

    Man, that's stupid. And since I'm not anybody in New York, I'm not sure I can relate to this level of stupidity. It reminds me of someone who called into a radio show a few years ago to complain about hunters. She said something along the line of, "Why can't they just go to the grocery store like everyone else?" I honestly don't know if she realized that meat in the store used to be a living animal that was killed. Either way, I sure hope no one tells these people that millions of plants had to die to make their salads, or they'll end up like these people...

    Liberals Am Smert!

    In case you missed it, here's a liberal voicing their main concern about the Constitution, i.e. it's like old and stuff!

    I guess he should have workshopped his argument on JournoList first, huh? He's talking it back now as a more nuanced argument, but the 'old' thing seems to be a standard argument among liberal thinkers. How many times has a New York Times columnist lamented the fact that Tea Partiers aren't young, but old and grody? Liberals act like teenagers who are always whining about their parents and how things are going to be different when they grow up but eventually learn that their parents weren't as dumb as they thought they were. Except liberals don't eventually learn anything. But since I'm the helpful sort, I've decided to explain some old stuff so it's not so confusing to Mr. Klein.
    • The cotton gin: A machine that allows you to separate cotton seeds from cotton. Warning, do not drink.
    • The fork: A utensil used to lift food to the mouth. Do not put in eye.
    • The automobile: It has lots of complicated parts, but don't let that confuse you. It's a means of conveyance, like a horse. (Oh crap, I wonder if I should explain what a horse is since they've been around for a long time too)
    • Socialism: a system of government which allowed dictators to bankrupt and kill millions of people but which is still seen as super awesome by left leaning journalists.
    • The song "Girls just want to have fun": It's about how girls just want to have fun. It's from 1983. Which makes it 28 years old. Which makes me feel old. But it reminds me of something else from 1983...
    • The movie "Lone Wolf McQuade": The main point to be learned from this movie is that if you are ever buried alive in a Dodge Ram Charger by arms dealers, all you need to do is crack open a beer, start the engine, engage the clutch-driven blower and put the pedal to the metal! Also that Chuck Norris is awesome.

    Things I Suddenly Realized All Of The Sudden

    • The best part of cock-fighting is that you get to eat the loser. That doesn't work so well in other sports.
    • The "span" in spanglish stands for spanish? Well, then I have no idea what a lot of people have been saying.
    • The problem with our government is that it's not results-oriented. We want the economy to improve; they get paid either way.
    • Archaeologists are grave robbers.
    • Getting into a boxing match with a giraffe is a bad idea, mostly because of their reach advantage, but also because they cheat.
    • Benjamin Franklin is in the International Swimming Hall Of Fame. Seriously.
    • If the Jews were really God's chosen people, they would be allowed to eat bacon.