Thursday, February 24, 2011

Signs Of An Islamic Revolution - Stage Three - The End

This is basically Armageddon to Islamic society. When the chicken makes its appearance, you have unequivocally reached a point of no return. In fact, beyond no return. Leaders in Islamic countries simply resign and go into comas when the chicken gets displayed, because to undue the chicken is so impossible that a thousand Muslims at a thousand typewriters typing for a thousand years could not come up with even the beginning of an idea to undue the chicken. There is almost no way to communicate its horrible magnitude to non-Islamic countries. As a rough estimate it's as if you launched every nuclear missile on earth at a single city and then sent giant feral mutated cats who haven't eaten in a week to viciously comb the debris for any survivors while at the same time it's being paved over with seventeen feet of asphalt. Only it's a million times worse.

Signs Of An Islamic Revolution - Stage Two

This is just devastating. The right shoe and the left shoe being displayed like bunny ears. I've only searched back to the end of the caliphates, but just forty percent of Arab leaders I've researched have survived the display of the bunny shoe ears. It is so feared that dictators often close all shoe stores and make no mention of the Easter bunny when they seize control of a country. What could be worse than the bunny shoe ears?

Signs Of An Islamic Revolution - Stage One

Money, it's gotta be the shoes! I'm not exactly sure how or why displaying your shoes became such an insult in the Arab world, but if you're a dictator and you see the shoes come out, you know you're in trouble. For proper effect, you apparently have to display your right shoe, or at least I've never seen any left shoes being displayed except....

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

This Just Isn't Funny Anymore

Obama's lack of a response regarding the situation in Libya was because he had a scheduling issue. No, I'm serious, that is his excuse. Not whatever the hell Allahpundit's been saying this past week, but a scheduling issue. It may be time to talk impeachment. I'm so...confused...but... with a touch of blinding rage... followed by inconsolable shame. I'm so annoyed right now, I can't even think up anything funny to say, like reasons that Obama was too busy to respond to an international crisis. Such as...
  • Michelle had an ass flat so Obama was calling around all week trying to find a new one in the same make and model.
  • He still hasn't gotten over the Bears loss in the playoffs. He just sits in the dark listening to the Superbowl Shuffle over and over.
  • He was partying with Charlie Sheen (and therefore...)
  • He's back on the Cocaine Train.
  • He was partying with new mayor of Chicago Rahm Emanuel (and therefore...)
  • He was in jail and had to be bailed out after being arrested at Man's Country for causing "an incident".
  • Biden gave him directions to the White House kitchen and he's been lost this whole time.
  • He's been held spellbound for weeks by Natalie Portman's nuanced yet powerful portrayal of The Black Swan.
  • He was listening to the really long version of Desperado, and no one interupts him when he's listening to Desperado.
  • He couldn't find anything to wear for the press conference. You know how it is. Am I right, ladies?
  • He tried to sneak a cigarette and accidently locked himself in a closet.
  • He was looking for his birth certificate.
  • He was trying to think of more people to offend so he could have another beer summit. Seriously, that was some tasty beer.
  • He thought if he spoke out, people would think he was an incompetent sham president who only got elected because....oh wait...

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Question Of The Day

If a foreign country, as part of some diabolical plot, decided to get a bunch of politicians elected in order to bankrupt our country, would it be much different from what we have now?

You Can't Reason With A Psychopath

Obama came out with a new budget for the next fiscal year and it just goes to show you can't teach a old dog new ways to not destroy a country he's determined to destroy. I'll leave you to read the highlights at NRO but here is the point that should get everyone to start picking out cliffs from which to hurl yourself when it all goes pear-shaped; Obama's own deficit commission recommended to him to reduce the debt by $4 trillion over the next ten years in order to avoid "financial catastrophe" but Obama's plan reduces the deficit by only 1.1 trillion. Isn't that nice? He had no problem raising the deficit by a trillion every horrible year he's been in office, but he can't think of one way to reduce it by one fourth that per year. Clearly, this is intentional and we're all expletive-deleted.

p.s. My line "...picking out cliffs from which to hurl yourself..." originally read "...picking out cliffs from which to hurl politicians..." but then I thought, "Who would ever blame politicians?"

Friday, February 11, 2011

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of A Sudden

  • The best time to make sausage.... is when they least expect it.

  • I really hate Hitler. That guy totally ruined Charlie Chaplin mustaches for the rest of us.

  • If the theory of evolution is correct, wouldn't we have furrier feet?

  • Ritalin is a contributing factor in childhood obesity

  • I really hate British soccer announcers

  • One man's "composting" is another man's "getting rid of evidence", especially if the another man is a cop.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Ed Rendell Is A Schmuck

It's kind of hilarious how concerned Democrats are about other people's money. It's also pretty funny how upset they get when people don't understand their screwed up way of thinking. Because you're only smart if you agree with them. Thanks, Ed.

p.s. If a Republican had said anything close to this, it would be national news. They (all Republicans) would be called arrogant and out of touch and there would be speculation that they have anger management or emotional problems. But he's a Dem, so who cares?

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? Because Chuck Schumer Isn't.

I know it's an awful lot to expect a member of our government to actually know something about our government, like what the three branches of government are, but seriously, how ridiculously stupid is Chuck Schumer? Shouldn't he be ashamed to show his face in public? It's like watching a surgeon say, "What's that wiggly thing?" during a heart operation.

Who's Yer Daddy?

He: Random? She: Lyrics

Cause if I have to die tonight
I'd rather be with you
Cut the parachute before the dive
Baby don't you cry
You have to bring me down
We had some fun before we hit the ground

Love is like an aeroplane
You jump and then you pray
The lucky ones remain
In the clouds for days
If life is just a stage
Let's put on the best show
And let everyone know

Love is like a hurricane
You know it's on the way
You think you can be brave
Underneath the waves
If life is just a dream
Which of us is dreaming?
And who will wake up screaming?

Cause if I have to die tonight
I'd rather it was you
Cut the parachute before the dive
Baby don't you cry
You have to bring me down
We had some fun before we hit the ground