Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Well, This Is It

Apocalypse time. The day of reckoning. The Big checkout time. SMOD2012's election party. There were so many things I hadn't done this year yet. Blog posts left unposted. Car stereos left unstolen. Squirrels left unshotgunned and unstewed. Unsuspecting hobos left unchloroformed. It's all just so sad. Oh well. I plan to ride out it with a very wet martini (shaken) while this is being played on an endless loop.

Unless of course nothing happens tomorrow in which case I have a lot of Christmas shopping to do followed by a lot of eating and drinking. If I don't make it back before next year, Bon Natali e Bon Capudannu!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

In Case Anyone Wants To Save Some Time...

Here's how the "serious" conversation on gun violence works...

Conservative: "Crazy people shouldn't have guns"

Liberal: "All gun-owners are crazy"

(conversation over)

p.s. Thanks to Harvey at IMAO for the High Praise!

I Heard The News Today, Oh Boy

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Taking Five

I seem to remember some tv program on Brubeck where someone mentioned that they were on tour with Dave and they woke up early to find him practicing at the piano. He had two metronomes running on the piano, one for his left hand and one for his right hand. I believe he was at least sixty at the time and he was still touring well into his eighties.

Dave Dug Disney

Brandenburg Gate


Aww Man, Dave's Gone

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Happy 237th, USMC

-In each successive area, the insurgents made this tactical adjustment because they suffered far too many casualties when trying to hold their ground after engaging the Marines. For example, in late June 2010, RCT-2 officers estimated that 3/7 killed about 100 Taliban fighters in a single engagement just outside a village called Regay, in southern Musa Qala near Sangin. And the Marines were happy to show off bulletin board material: transcripts of intercepted radio communications by insurgent subcommanders expressing dismay that the Americans were more aggressive than their predecessors.-

"We got a radio intercept yesterday," Lt. Garcia said. "Some Talib leaders in Pakistan were chewing out the local fighters for quitting. The locals yelled back, 'Marines run toward our bullets.'"

Semper Fi

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Playing Defense

The stock market has been getting crushed since The Light Bringer was reelected on Tuesday. I mean immediately after, as in the next day. 434 points worth in two days. Almost as if reelecting Obama might have something to do with it. And energy stocks, especially coal, are getting hit, almost as if a president who said he was going to regulate them out of existence had been reelected. And gun stocks are going up, almost as if those companies expect people to start buying a bunch of guns because a president who said he was going to start bringing back gun bans again was reelected. Oh, and companies are starting to issue layoff notices, almost as if the increased regulations promised by a certain president and which these crazy companies seem to think are a bad thing for businesses are suddenly going to come into effect now that that same president has been reelected. Weird. I better look to the mainstream media to feed me an answer that is less obvious but infinitely more correct.

Stocks fell on Thursday and could be in line for more weakness as worries about Washington's ability to find a timely solution to the "fiscal cliff" dominate investor thinking in coming weeks.

Ah, yes. That fiscal cliff that no one has been talking about for months and months must be the real culprit. Seriously, what else could it be? And just out of curiosity, isn't the "fiscal cliff" a set of taxes that Democrats have been desperate to reinstate since they took over both houses of Congress in 2006? No wait, that can't be right since no one in the mainstream media has pointed that out. Oh well.

p.s. Oh and Obama's Attorney General, who is being held in contempt of court by Congree and whom Obama used executive privilege to protect, is thinking about leaving Obama's Justice Dept. I guess it was "time" as opposed to anything more sordid.

Must I Be Mr. Optimistic?

Put down that can of Drano and listen to me. Mitt Romney was a fine candidate, the "browning" of America has not doomed the Republican party, and the Democratic party's strategy of only cow towing to their base will come back to haunt them.

First off, is anyone else bothered that ghostly pale AB Stoddard can talk about the "browning" of America and not receive the "Rush Limbaugh is a racist" treatment? Outside of the Southwest and the adjacent states, do any of the major newspapers have a significant amount of "brown" on their staffs? And just for whatever, the Southwest hasn't suddenly gone "brown" in the past few years. We've pretty much been this way from the start, and yet there doesn't seem to be some built in desire for "browns" to vote Democrat. Even New Mexico didn't turn blue until California Liberals decided they wanted to move somewhere quaint with lower taxes. Does that mean we should be talking about the lily-whitening of formerly red states? Please New York Times and Washington Post editorial staffs, enlighten me of the "browning".

Secondly, look at the numbers, 2012 was a smaller election than 2008. In a year of lower turnout overall, Romney lost about 2 million voters to McCain. Obama on the other hand lost almost 9 million to his showing in 2008. Obama lost states. His percentages in red and blue states decreased. Obama lost independents. That didn't happen to the evil W during his second election. Democrats aren't increasing their voter base, they're pushing people out. And as much as Democrats talk about how the "browning" of America will be some sort of perpetual advantage, what would happen if Republicans decided to embrace expanded immigration policies? The Democrat party of today doesn't share any other values with Hispanics, unless of course things like hostility to Christians, murdering children and legacy appointments to Ivy League colleges become the "in" thing.

Incumbency has its perks. The very quality that rocketed Obama to the top of the political stratosphere, just being "present", has once again paid dividends. Incumbents are hard to unseat for a reason; they can campaign by just doing their job, or in Obama's case, by just showing up. In other words, there wasn't a whole lot we could have done to stop Obama from winning unless he really screwed up royale. And that's exactly the part many of us ignored or forgot. If you don't believe me, go back and look up all those articles, including mine, which said Obama was going to lose (as opposed to Romney is going to win) and see how many of them mention the "power of incumbency". We acknowledged it in Senate and House races but were blinded by optimism that the vast majority of Americans see Obama the way we see him, as an arrogant political lightweight who's not really down with this whole "America" thing. But it's also important to remember that that optimism was a good thing. Obama could have screwed up, in which case we needed to be within striking distance, which we were. And despite what people are saying today, Romney was the perfect candidate for 2012. Romney is a good man. A good family man. A successful business man. A non-ideologue despite the media's best attempts, and a calm, measured speaker who certainly presented himself as a viable alternative if Obama screwed up. But Obama didn't screw up, at least to the extent that the American people were informed. And that's why he won.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

I Heard The News Today

And just a thought. $4 gas, $16 trillion in debt, $1+ trillion deficit, high unemployment, leaving Americans to get raped and murdered in other countries and he still won? You know what this paves the way for, right? President Bloomberg.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

It's Not The End Of The World?

To The End

Oh, You Pretty Things

My (voting) Machines

"I'm Changing Everything Everything Around Me"

Rockin' It At The White House

"I Support The Left While I'm Leaning To The Right"

"Everybody Has Problems And Personally I Don't Care"

Another video every hour until 7:00 PM Arizona time.

I Just Don't Know

If I was observing this election without any polls, I would think Obama was going to lose bad. And yet every single poll has Obama winning or extremely close. It is really hard for me to believe that pollsters would weight their polls to such an extent that they could be putting their integrity and their jobs on the line for something as silly as making Obama look like he's winning for some political strategy. But then again the news media, movies and television haven't seemed to mind having smaller audiences (and revenue) by broadcasting only those things that mirror their world view. Oh well, we'll see. But anyways, here are some things I'll be watching for during and after the election...
  • Does Hurricane Sandy affect the voting in New York and New Jersey (and maybe Philly)? Does it reduce turnout? Does it change their vote?
  • Did the recall election really help the Republicans ground game in Wisconsin?
  • Does Romney win Wisconsin, Iowa and New Hampshire? (i.e. he won't need Ohio and the shenanigans that may occur there if it's close)
  • Does Obama lose the Black vote because of his gay marriage stance? I don't mean lose percentage-wise because that's unlikely to change, I mean the number of people actually showing up at the polls.
  • Does the media hyperventilate and (wrongly) call states before they should (like they've done before)?
  • Teh Hispanic vote
  • Formerly red states Nevada and New Mexico
  • "Romney" states Michigan and Massachusetts (and New Hampshire)
  • Who gets the blame?
And here's my last [yawn] map, with New Hampshire, Minnesota, Michigan, and Pennsylvania being too close to call. And oddly enough if Romney does lose those four states he gets to exactly 270 votes. Weird map, I know.

Just Remember, If Obama Gets Reelected He'll Think He Has A Mandate

Tea Leaves

Oh, and is it just me or has this Chris Christie-Bruce Springsteen thing gotten kind of pathetic?

And another tea leaf, I got all my picks right on my NFL football pool tonight. 14-0 this week. That's never happened before.

Friday, November 2, 2012

My Brain Is Boggling

I just don't understand the polls.


From RealClear, that's eleven states which are too close to call which kind of makes you wonder what the point of polling is when it doesn't actually tell you anything. Rasmussen has tended to be a pretty accurate pollster in the last few years so I looked up his map.

A lot of his red or blue states are still too close to call, but he actually has two states which are actually ties. I personally still think we're looking at a landslide based on how Romney's momentum keeps adding states while Obama's "firewall" keeps changing and getting smaller. Plus there's his (still) horrendous showing with independents. And yet it's a virtual tie in most polls which just continues to damage me fragile little brain. So I decided to do my own poll. And yes my brain got a little more damaged from doing this.

Response rate was 3% with a margin of error of .0027% (my phone bill is going to be epic). Polling samples were weighted with historical sampling, recent voting trends, and an augury ritual involving sheep but definitely not hobos. And yes for some reason I do have Romney losing Wisconsin and Minnesota but winning Michigan, Pennsylvania(!), and...Oregon?? And New Hampshire comes out pretty much tied. But then again three days is a long time at the end of an election so I may have to get more hob...er...sheep and try again on Monday.

It's A Disney Bought StarWars Music Friday

Go ahead, tell me which is worse? Disney buying StarWars or vice versa?

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Obama's Biggest Gaffe (So Far)

No, Charles Krauthammer, Obama's biggest gaffe was not Benghazi. CNN and Candy Crowley made sure to muddy the waters with voters on that one. Real gaffes cost you votes, and it's unlikely that Obama will lose many votes based on his and the moderator's response. It should have but it didn't. It's also why the endless stream of Romney "gaffes" the media has been trumpeting aren't gaffes either. He seems to be gaining every time the media tries to drum up outrage. Obama, on the other hand, has been real gaffe central. His "You didn't build that" alone probably cost him the votes of anyone with a business. But his biggest gaffe happened at the debate last Tuesday. Dems aren't afraid of offending rich donors, Christians, small business, Big Oil or much of anyone else, but they are deathly afraid of the NRA and gun lobby. Everyone knows one pro gun control comment in the wrong place and you can kiss your election goodbye, and Obama did just that in the debate. What gun owners had suspected all along he explicitly stated. If I was the RNC I would run his statement in ads not just in Ohio, Virginia and Colorado but New Mexico, Vermont, Oregon and Pennsylvania. Now watch as an "unbiased" CNN reporter tries vainly to turn this around onto Romney.

Friday, October 19, 2012

There's Something I Still Don't Get

How the heck is New Mexico still bluer than some north east states? The polls at RealClear have been pretty consistent at around 10 and 11 points with no movement from any of the debates. This is a state which had tiny margins in the 2000 and 2004 elections (and they voted for Bush in 2004) before voting big for Obama in 2008. And considering how Hope and Change has been wearing off in other states I would say that makes an 11 point lead in New Mexico kind of suspicious.

Friday, October 12, 2012

What Contempt For Your Opponent Looks Like

The 90 Minute Gaffe

I'll be honest, with two baseball games, the Steelers and the Sun Devils on last night, I didn't watch all of the debate. But the parts I did watch blew my mind. The good news for suicidal Dems? Biden only committed one gaffe last night. The bad news? It lasted for 90 minutes. With all the tact of a used car salesman who's late on his trailer payments, Joltin' Joe's supersmrt strategy was the rhetorical version of cock-blocking: he acted like a total chode. I haven't been that uncomfortable since I saw Maggie Gyllenhall in... well anything. I just don't care for her. But anyways I'm not sure why Biden did this (I mean besides being pressured into overcompensation) because he could have made all the same points without the jerky behavior and the media would have loved it. Instead his weird behavior gets to dominate the news cycle until the next debate and the media is left to try and defend it. That's what we call winning the debate.

Aaaaaannnnnddd....I saw somewhere that this was supposed to play well with his base or something but can someone answer me this question? Why is Obama (and Biden) still almost exclusively playing to his base? We have a few weeks to go in this election, shouldn't they be expanding their potential voter targets to independents and squishy conservatives? Shouldn't the base be as excited as they're going to get for someone who's been president for four years? We keep seeing these very obvious signs that the election is going to be a landslide and yet the polls say it's still almost a tie? Whatever.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

This Might Be Must-See TV

Oh boy. Sheriff Joe is under some serious pressure. And not just from trying to remember where he left his anti-psychotic pills before the debate. The media is in dire need of some good news and they're not afraid who knows it.  Especially when they're giving advice (and here) on how to beat the Republicans (but don't you dare call them biased!). I would have assumed that as long as Biden didn't walk out with his hand SuperGlued to his face, the MSM would have been happy. I guess not. Apparently, Joe is supposed to win back Obama's stolen honor and return the polls back to their rightful order. Because that's how awesome he is and that's how things are supposed to be.

Oh, by the way, remember when Biden said the middle class has been buried for the last four years? Pepperidge Farms remembers. And Joe wasn't even under pressure when he said that. In fact he hasn't been under pressure for any of the stupid things he's said. Which has me rubbing my greedy little hooves together waiting for the debate.

So who's going to "win"? No idea. But expect zingers. And not those twinkie-like things even if they are really good and better than regular twinkies. This will be the first big opportunity for voters to see Paul Ryan, who's like a cross between an adorable puppy and that straight-A student accountant who got you money back from the IRS when you were supposed to be audited. But, as someone on Twitter said, "You can't debate crazy", which clearly gives the advantage to Biden.

So yeah, I'll be tuning in. I'm expecting Ryan to do well but I'm also expecting some good ol' fashion group-think overcompensation by someone who doesn't even do well when he's on cruise control. Don't disappoint me, Joe.

Oh, and in related news, "Tebow time" has officially entered the modern lexicon.

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy

  • If you can have a President who spends more time fundraising than doing his job ( and also this) then why not this? What sacred principals are being violated?
  • Gee, Obama sure seems to have been cozy with the press for a long time.
  • "They found their answer in a series of eerily profane numbers"
  • Unbiased media asks, "What would Obama’s Supreme Court look like?" (Does the media even know who the president is right now?)
  • The biggest doping conspiracy in sporting history
  • And in case anyone needed more evidence that Spielberg was a stupid hack who only got famous by ripping off more talented directors' movies.... "Don't let this political football play back and forth," the Oscar-winning director said he urged distributors, noting the "confusing" aspect in the film that shows how U.S. political parties back in Lincoln's time "traded political places over the last 150 years."
    In contrast to today, the Republican party to which Lincoln belonged was founded by anti-slavery activists and Republicans were often tagged "radicals."

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


Leave it to iowahawk to spoil my fun. I was going to bust this out on election day in a "Gee, ain't I clever" sort of way, (even though it is pretty obvious and also I can't remember if iowntheworld didn't do it first but whatever) but now it feels like stealing. I don't know why. Anyways...

for iowahawk, il fabbro corn-soaked
I had met a voter from a swing state
Who said: 'Two nicely creased pants of blue serge
Lie in Chitown. Near them, buried in Hope
Posters, a shattered false narrative is revealed 
An unclenched fist and a reset button  
Tell that its media felt every tingle
The teleprompter that had mocked them
Sits in some presidential library.
And on the Greek columns these words appear--
"My name is Barrymandias, fourth best:
Look on my Obamacare and despair!"
Nothing remains but Detroitian decay
Of that colossal debt and deficit
Which he had never planned to repay.'
I didn't get around to fixing the rhyme scheme or meter. Oh well. Now I have to work on my other poem wherein I hurt Obama's feelings.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy

Friday, September 21, 2012

Carl Is My Spirit Animal

What About The Gaaaaafffffeeeeeessss?

Say, those independents and rethuglicans sure do think alike, huh? Has any president ever won an election when losing independents as bad as Obama seems to be losing?

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy

It's A Subtle Kiss That No One Sees Music Friday

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Mother Effers

Via Hotair.com - "CBS: Witnesses Says There Was Never An Anti-American Protest In Benghazi, Just An Attack" It was just an attack by Muslims on Americans. On 9/11. No film, no nothing. Just an attack.
And yet he's still going around apologizing to murderers. And is it my imagination or is the Obama admin saying don't blame the US government, it's those darn Americans with their stupid flag and their stupid Constitution who you should be mad at? Nice. Outstanding. Unpresidented.

The Power Of Suggestion

It's probably best if you don't read posts like this and then...
AAAAA!!!!  AAAAA!!!!!  AAAAA!!!!

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


An inversion point?

Parody Proof

This happened. The smartest politician ever decided to post this today. Because as we all know conversing with a fake pirate is how you show voters you're the serious choice for president.
So I guess he's posting his one picture talking with Netanyahu on Halloween, right?

Ow, My Brain

So, if I may follow the logic, if you had been approached recently, you would have a plan to release the mastermind of the first attempt to blow up the World Trade Center? Let me help you out, Obama administration, if someone asks if you are going to release a terrorist, you say "no". Two letters. One word. But then if you are saying "maybe kinda sorta", then yeah, just keep going the way you're going.

It's Time I Got A Say In This Here U.S. Foreign Policy

So here's the deal, Barry, until you accede to my demands to increase the supply of cheesesteaks and watermelon Jolly Ranchers (and other stuff which I'll think up later) I will continue to make cartoons that mock the prophet Mahomet whenever I feel like it. I'm getting a little tired of Terry Jones having more say on foreign policy than I do. The rest of us can destabilize the Middle East and cause worldwide panic as well as some freaky preacher in Florida. So do the right thing, Obama. Appease someone who actually deserves it for once.

I can do this all day, baby.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Malaise Forever?

While it's not publicized, Obama did get to see the jobs numbers last night, most likely before he gave his speech at the convention.  I'm guessing it might be worse than last month based on this line in the speech -

"Now, I won't pretend the path I'm offering is quick or easy. I never have. You didn't elect me to tell you what you wanted to hear. You elected me to tell you the truth."

Of course there are other tea leaves. Obama's smile. The stock market going up more than 200 points yesterday, which could also indicate a leak. The spots on the liver of that hobo behind 7-11 (I'm into augury now). How about an employment index falling to a ten month low? What you won't see is someone predicting a really good jobs report. Just better than expected or meh. Or should I say malaise?

p.s. Oh and...no bounce?

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy

Saturday, September 1, 2012

For Those People Laughing At Joe Biden And His "Harmless" Antics

Just remember, when he doesn't get his way things can turn very dark very quickly.

I Always Forget

Which one is the president?

And don't you dare make a joke about leading from behind because that's racism.

Friday, August 31, 2012

You Know How The Republicans Really Could Have Broken the Internet Last Night?

They could have made this happen.

On The Cause Of Migraines

The ancients used to think migraines were caused by the squirrel god Mike trying to get at the nutty goodness that is your brain by trying to split your head open. Today we realize that's just silliness. It's really caused by letting Mitt Romney get into your head. (picture via iOwnTheWorld.com)

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy...

  • Whoa
  • Our economy is doing so well that the Fed may need to prop it up.
  • The media reacts...predictably. (Although they do surprise me sometimes. In a bad way.)
  • Mind blown. Who said this? "To assume that the other side are just a bunch of ignoramuses who are supported by people who believe that Adam and Eve rode on dinosaurs 6,000 years ago is to completely misjudge the opposition.”
  • I've always had the idea that teen sex movies are popular in the movie industry because producers use them to cast and have sex with underage boys and girls whom they have total control over. I would assume this really screws up the kids involved in these sorts of things. Cause. Effect.

Have A Nice Week, Barry

First off, I liked Mitt Romney's speech. I don't know why but since he is a politician I just assumed he would give an adequate speech. It was a little better than good, actually quite presidential. I know the media is going to go off on the suddenly senile Clint Eastwood but I liked his speech. He came off more folksy which the media would have loved if he was supporting Obama but now he's too old and he's also senile. Just like Bill Clinton was a few weeks ago. But not next week. I will say non-politicos I know also liked Clint Eastwood's speech, especially the lines about crying over the number of unemployed and letting someone go if he's not doing a good job, so I don't know how to gauge the media hysterics. For me, the highlight of the night was Marco Rubio's speech. Very good (and dare I say presidential) and probably my favorite speech out of the entire convention.

Which leads us to what Obama is going to do next week. He has nothing to run on and he basically is nothing in terms of character so it's been decided that next week will be some sort of Lillith Fair. He's apparently going to cut bait on every voting group except for (single) women with maybe some pandering to Hispanics. After the generally high quality Republican convention, replete with women and ...gasp...minorities and especially after Clint Eastwood, I have a hard time believing that the Dems aren't going to make some changes to their convention. If you look through the list of speakers, it just looks...small. It's narrowly focused on a few issues and I just don't see how that's going to inspire Democrats, let alone swing voters. So let's see if George Clooney changes his schedule next week so Obama can attract more wome...oh wait.

And maybe Obama would have preferred a different week to have the election. Not only will Romney finally be able to spend the money he's been stockpiling for months with ads that will run over the convention, but a few other things are happening.

According to zerohedge the US debt officially tops $16 trillion dollars next week. That's trillion, with a T. How would you like to have that message running around swing states while you're talking about how birth control should be free?

Oh, and did someone say skyrocketing gas prices on Labor Day? Yes, I believe they did. I'm just going to say it. That seems unhelpful to someone trying to avoid "the economy".

Want more? Ok. Umm, say, don't unemployment numbers come out on Friday, immediately after whatever not-the-economy messaging the President is trying to hammer home during the convention? And does anyone expect those numbers to be appreciably better than last month? Probably not. So whilst Barack Hussein Obama's eyes might be pleading yes, the election gods might be saying hell no.

p.s. And I almost forgot, football starts next Wednesday. Which means that Obama and the DNC basically have two nights instead of three in which to present their super-awesome vision of a second term filled with free birth control. [slowly claps] Well played, Obama. Well played.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Parody Proof

Chris Matthews has a somewhat emotional response to Republicans running a less dirty campaign than Obama. Because, as we all know, that's the job of real journalists; arguing to the point of tears that the other side is really, really mean to your adorable puppy of a president right after that same president had accused Romney of being a felon and a murderer. It also reminded me of something from last week.

Here's the setup - Bill Clinton is good at politics.

Now fill in the statement - "If I were Obama I would...."
  • Hire Bill Clinton to be my campaign manager.
  • Replace Biden with Hillary so Bill Clinton can be a more visible part of my campaign.
  • Figure out a way for Bill Clinton to take my spot in the debates.
  • Marry Bill Clinton.
If you answered that last one then you understand Chris Matthews. Or you are him. Because that's what he said. And that's not creepy at all.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of A Sudden

  • I can't help thinking that Empire Strikes Back would have been a better movie if it had more lasers in it.
  • It must be very confusing for Swiss people when other people talk about Swiss bank accounts like they're a bad thing.
  • Never draft a quarterback out of USC
  • There are no more supermodels
  • Superman is an alien.
  • It ain't the 21st century until I can come home in my hover car to a dinner cooked with lasers.
  • And speaking of lasers, why aren't we doing everything with lasers? Why do I have to rely on my chainsaw for everything?
  • Bald people are just nudists who know when to stop.
  • Until we let Obama be clear his context is going to continue to be taken out of

It's A That Seems Like Lies To Me Music Friday

I'm Back

And for those asking, no, you can't avoid the news unless you go all Unibomber and hide in the woods. I couldn't even watch the friggin Olympics without seeing Obama and that forest beast he's married to. And did I see Moochelle telling a tiny little gymnast she shouldn't be eating at McDonald's? Because America has an obesity problem. And McDonald's causes obesity. And fatass whore wives of presidents telling skinny little teenaged girls that they are fat is perfectly fine because teenaged girls don't have eating disorders or bulimia anymore.  Lovely. And now I'm back. Joy.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Light Bringer Pandereth

*Since I'm going incommunicato news-wise this month I thought I might not be back in proper mocking shape in time for the DNC nomination rally since it's going to be the first week of September. So I got in my time machine and decided to report on the goings on ahead of time, saving everyone time and effort.

The tension in the stadium hall was palpable. Everyone had seen the polls and they were much more racist than anyone could have imagined. The hundreds of faces in the crowd looked so worried, as if something CNN wasn't reporting could happen. Maureen Dowd of the venerable and trustworthy New York Times looked gaunt, pale and mumbled incoherently, quite unlike her. Froma Harrop just wandered around making superficial, uninformed comments to anyone who would listen. Even real conservatives were down, vainly trying to understand how conservatism had failed this president. David Brooks kept his eyes transfixed at pant leg level, hoping to read something, anything, like an Ancient Greek augur before a plate of sheep entrails.

Chris Matthews, of course, was inconsolable.

This sad sack group of fanatics and supporters was going to need something quick, something transcendent, or else whoever was left would be reporting something bigger than Jonestown.

The buzz started in the far corner of the hall. He was coming. The press had become so attuned to his wants and needs that they could feel him making his way to the stage. But something had changed. They could all sense it. The magic was back. This was going to be big. Important. Groundbreaking. Unprecedented.

At the first sight of him, the WaPo staff blacked out. He was so... confident. So focused like a laser. He reached the podium and pivoted so hard you knew this election was already over. Mitt Who? was already the headline across Journo-list II. Obama stared intently across the audience, as if he was going to correct Hillary Clinton for the umpteenth time. Then the words came,

"My balls, people. Seriously, my balls."

He strode off stage, knowing that his presidential work had been done handed off and he could now head to another fundraiser, the third this evening.

For a moment, the silence encompassed everything like an empty echo chamber. You could have heard an Newsweek Utne Reader drop from across the room. Suddenly, recovering from a half faint at the president's profound and explicit roadmap to improve the economy and foreign policy, Robert Redford stepped atop his burgundy velvet divan and began to clap. Then the roar began. It was deafening. The applause. The screams. The very ground upon which he had stood shook. They had patiently waited hours to hear how the election would be won and now they had. It was glorious. Oh, there would be naysayers in the conservative blogosphere and FauxNews, but nothing could be done about them. They only hear what they want to hear.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

A Recipe For Bo

*I wrote this a long time ago for a different blog I had that never really did anything. It was based on some creepy manlove comment that Chris Matthew (a real person) of MSNBC (not a real network) had made about something or other. Here it is, rewritten for Bo. It still creeps me out that I wrote this. All apologies.

We've seen the way he's been looking at you, Bo. The staring. The salivating. The seasoning he keeps in his vest pocket. You know it's only a matter of time. But instead of running for your life, have you ever considered turning the tables?

A Recipe For Bo (But Not For Bo)

Preheat that oven to 500°F cause Barry likes it hot. Rinse Obama, then dry him sensuously, inside and out. Seriously, every nook and cranny of that sexy body. You don't want Obama all steamy, at least not yet.

Salt and pepper his 'cavity', then tie up that Obama. You want his wings and legs to stay close to his sexy body to keep it from drying out. So he'll be nice and moist, just like his foreign policy.

Now, you need to salt Obama. I like to rain salt over Obama, just like David Axelrod used to do in the oval office anteroom, so there's a nice coating for crispy skin.

Place Obama in a pan and put him in the oven. Leave him alone. Don't baste him no matter how much you yearn to. Roast him until he's done, for about the average length of one of his speeches, 50 to 60 minutes. Remove Barry from the oven and baste him good. Baste him the same same way he bastes our ears with his sweet sweet words, as if you were pandering to a room full of voters. Then let him rest for 15 minutes on a cutting board, cause pandering... er... basting makes Barry very tired.

Remove the string. Remove the legs and those sexy thighs. The preparation is not meant to be super-elegant because Obama is a man of the people. Slather Obama with fresh butter. Remember, more butter equals more better Bama. You'll start by using a knife and fork, but you'll end up finishing him with your bitter clingy fingers because he's just that good.

Hey, Anyone Still Want To Tell Me That Obama Is A Smart Politician?

I offer now as the time to bring that up. That's right, Obama has decided to give Bill Clinton a "major role at Democratic National Convention". I especially like this quote,

"Obama personally asked Clinton to speak at the convention and place Obama's name in nomination, and Clinton enthusiastically accepted, officials said. Clinton speaks regularly to Obama and to campaign officials about strategy."

Oh, is that right? Gee, I guess we're all just great friends now. That's weird because just a few weeks ago Bill Clinton was thrown under the bus for...um...facts inconvenient to the recoronation to the Light-Bringer. Some of these facts were undermining Obama's claims that the economy is fine and that Mitt Romney is a criminal. So yeah, implying that Bill Clinton is too senile to listen to was probably smart politics. Clearly, the Clintons and Obamas haven't been all that cordial to each other since the presidential campaign where Obama and his surrogates weren't terribly kind to Hill-dawg. And while someone in the Obama administration was aware enough of the Clintons' popularity with Democrats to give Hillary the Secretary of State job, there's certainly enough of a chill on the relationship that some people don't even think Bill Clinton will vote for Obama in November. So either this sounds like good politics to Obama (that would be a negatory)...or a sign that Obama is losing his freakin' mind at internal polls that he might actually lose this election. Hmmm...

p.s. Do you really want to blow your freakin' mind? Imagine that Obama's polling is so bad, so horrific, that the reason he's enlisting someone he obviously doesn't care for is because he's going to let him name his new vice president. Take a guess who that might be.

How To Deal With Mergers

Someone Has To Take The Fall

*probably didn't post this because it's a little dark, but that doesn't make it any less true for Mister Everyone But Me Is Expendable.

Run, Bo! Run!

What Really Goes On During Budget Meetings

*I couldn't remember if I had posted this somewhere, but it was still in my bin, so here it is.

I'm Taking A Break From The News For A Month

In an effort to lower the ol' blood pressure, keep the liver from cirrhosising and keep my pancreas pancreating (well at least one of them), I'm going to make an effort to avoid the news for the month of August (starting tomorrow). Cold turkey. That means no 24 hour news, no stockmarket, no blogs, and no carrier pigeons, even though that is my preferred method of getting the news since it includes a free meal. I'm also dumping anything I didn't finish on this blog in an act of motivation or nihilism, I forget which is which, so everything that was never posted is going away.

What am I going to do instead? I don't know. Fix the car? Plant a garden? I've always wanted to learn to read music, so I may try that. Like most people I have a lot of things that need to be done but I'll probably just end up watching my DVDs of Gilligan's Island and Hawaii Five-O instead. Plus there's that bath salts craze I've been hearing about...

Monday, July 16, 2012

Spoken Like A Real Socialist

Barack Obama - 'If you’ve got a business -- you didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen'

If your blood pressure's not high enough already with this halfwit singing the praises of big socialism, there's video that you can play over and over until the election.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Hmmm....Well, At Least It's Something....

"Oh, and as I mentioned earlier, because John Roberts concluded it was a tax, the Democrats cannot filibuster its repeal because of the same reconciliation procedure the Democrats used to pass it."

ObamaCare Ruling Actually Worse Than I Thought

America lost big on this one. Tom Scocca at Slate argues that Chief Justice John Roberts actually puts limits on the Commerce clause now and that while Obama won today, the proponents of unlimited Commerce clause power actually lost. The main problem with the Commerce clause was always that presidents or congresses were always trying to stretch the definition of what commerce was. Thanks to this ruling, the Commerce clause is weakened but the power of government to tax now applies to the ability to compel commerce. You don't have to buy a buggy whip or a typewriter, but you can be taxed if you don't. The power of taxation becomes limitless. FU America.

ObamaCare Upheld

No, I Changed My Mind, I Think ObamaCare Is Going Down

Yeah, I know, jinx, but I went back and listened to the arguments in front of the Supreme Court and their reaction to it and I think they'll undo it. Yeah shut up, I don't care. I want to think that their arguments actually have something to do with how they are going to vote. Call me crazy. But anyways, after re-listening to some of their arguments, they (and I'm including some of the Liberal justices) didn't seem to like the mandate. Especially when it was argued that the government can do this because they have the power to tax. I also forgot how badly the Solicitor General did. So 5 to 4 against the mandate and the entire bill. And Justice Breyer is painful to listen to.

Update 6/28: 5-4 and ObamaCare and the mandate is upheld. Except it's not a mandate, it's a tax. Weird, I thought Congress went out of it's way to avoid it being a tax. Anyway, like most people, I thought if it went in support of ObamaCare, it would be Justice Kennedy who would be the squishy vote, which is why I changed my mind about the ruling because he didn't sound terribly squishy in his questioning. Who would have thought the major consideration in this ruling would be someone's legacy rather than the constitutionality of a government power grab?

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Obama Decides To Only Enforce The Laws That Don't Interfere With His Reelection

Like his usual dickish self, Obama is now choosing to not deport illegal immigrants because there's an election this year and he needs to rub it in someone's face. Here's a lovely quote.

When asked if Arizona will be forced to release illegal immigrants once the federal government refuses to pick them up, the officials declined to respond. “Only the federal government may enforce the law,” said one official, citing the Supreme Court’s June 25 decision.

So proud. Allahpundit thinks that he's just being a political opportunist trying to excite the Hispanic vote but if there's one thing we've learned in four years of the Imperial Presidency it's that Obama is no smart pol (ask the Catholics). I keep going back to my maxim for Obama; If you want to understand why Obama is doing something, just think less of him. Obama could have suspended immigration agreements with Arizona a long time ago. In fact, he could have made it some big deal along with his amnesty thing from a few weeks ago. He could have called it The Obama Doctrine On Immigration And Republican Grandma Abusers. It also would have mooted the Supreme Court ruling today. Now it looks like another loss for Obama on the most controversial part of Arizona's immigration law when he could have just told Hispanics a long time ago that he was going to do this and that he had their back or whatever. Instead, he did it today right after the ruling which makes me think it has more to do with the Supreme Court than it does with Arizona and Hispanics. And speaking of Hispanics...

I don't understand Obama's policy on "amnesty" that he offered a bit ago to buy some votes. He's allowing work visas for illegal immigrants that have to be renewed in two years. And while the mainstream media has been trying to put Romney on the spot by asking him if he will renew their immigration status, not a single reporter has asked if Obama will renew these work visas. And before you say, "But, of course he will! He's magic!", just remember the amnesty he offered (to get votes) when he was first running for president. He had a filibuster-proof Congress and where did that go? In two years, Obama won't need Hispanic votes anymore if he's reelected. And don't think that's been forgotten by Hispanics. But anyways...

Obama has demonstrated more than a few times that he's a prissy little girl when it comes to dissent, and winning three provisions of SB1070 but losing the fourth in today's ruling must have seemed like some outrageous lèse-majesté to him. Which is why I think this was more a middle finger to the Supreme Court in anticipation of the ass-handing-to that he's going to get on Thursday. He's telling the justices that if things don't go His Majesty's way he's just going to find a way to ignore them. Either that or he's just being a dick.

The White Album Was Too Long

So I shortened it.

Side One
  1. Happiness Is A Warm Gun
  2. Sexy Sadie
  3. Blackbird
  4. I'm So Tired
  5. Don't Pass Me By
  6. Why Don't We Do It In The Road
  7. Helter Skelter
Side Two
  1. Revolution 1
  2. Back In The U.S.S.R.
  3. Dear Prudence
  4. Yer Blues
  5. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
  6. While My Guitar Gently Weeps
I heard the reason the White Album had so many songs on it was that the Beatles' egos wouldn't let them pare it down to a single album. But now that they're all dead their egos can't get in the way so why not mess with what should have been a pretty good album with no filler? George Martin mentioned in his book how he arranged the sides of Beatles albums so I stuck with that. Start each side with two good songs and finish each side with a good (longer?) song and let the other songs fill in the rest. Or something like that. So that's what I did. And no freakin' Revolution 9.

Monday, June 25, 2012

It's ObamaCare Prediction Time

I don't know. That's my prediction. Actually my prediction will be 5-4 whichever way it goes but I learned after the Kelo decision that members of the Supreme Court are functionally illiterate. They can sound out the words but they don't know what they mean. So even though the arguments a few months ago sounded somewhat anti-the-Constitution-is-toilet-paper, I expect unresolving gibberish followed by annoyed caterwauling. Or hysterical caterwauling if they strike it down. In which case I'll need to buy some champagne.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of A Sudden

  • If man were meant to reattach appendages, he would have been born with a styrofoam cooler filled with ice.
  • Shouldn't 12:00 noon be followed by an M instead of PM?
  • Charlize Theron is African-American.
  • People always do things for the hell of it, but does anyone ever do things for the heaven of it?
  • Atheists don't play chess.
  • There are only three "stars" in any sports league. There can be less, but not more.
  • So Jessica Fletcher just happens to be around all of those murders and no one catches on?
  • John Lennon was a horrible person.
  • There's no such thing as medical marijuana.
  • Lawrence of Arabia is a horribly overrated movie.
  • I really need a soda slave.
  • If horses played basketball, we'd need to change the rules for traveling. Or just not call it anymore like they do in the NBA.
  • Why isn't Batman a vampire?

Hey, Remember That One Scene From The Second GodFather Movie...

The one where Michael Corleone is relating a story about the Cuban rebel blowing himself up with a grenade at Hyman Roth's party?

Corleone: But it occurred to me, the soldiers are paid to fight, the rebels aren't.
Roth: What does that tell you?
Corleone: They can win.

Oh, and on a completely unrelated note, Obama is paying his rebels. He didn't have to do that in the last election. What does that tell you?

And The Award Goes To...

A lot of stuff happened today (now yesterday) and since I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said it's time to do something as pointless as giving awards to millionaire actors; giving awards to random events and the people associated with those events!

And now the technically awards.

Best Recognition Of The Fortieth Anniversary Of Watergate

Barack Obama! What better way to celebrate than to invoke executive privilege to protect his Attorney General from allegations that he allowed guns to "run" to drug cartels which for some reason led to the murder of hundreds of people?

Best Getting Your Hojos Handed To You Award

Barack Obama! For filing a complaint with the FEC because those goshdurn Re-thug-licans were refusing to disclose donor information on the same day he invokes executive privilege to hide...um.. uh.. nevermind. Transpare-licious!

Best Quote Award

This one! - "Even with his fawning press, [President Obama] will pay a price for this one. He knows this, meaning that the documents now to be withheld must be dynamite. They have to show either that Holder knew what was going on with Fast and Furious and approved it, or that he directly committed perjury in his Congressional testimony, or both. I just can’t see any other explanation for such a risky move."

Best Quote In A Video Format

Barack Obama!

Best Misunderstanding Of The Press Award

Everyone! I read in more than a few places that the media will now have to cover Fast and Furious because Holder is being held in contempt of court, but seriously, even with a full House of Representatives' vote next week this news will be shuffled out after the ObamaCare Supreme Court ruling. After all, the LightBringer must be protected.

Best Disappearance Of A Political Figure Award

Mitt Romney! I was going to give it to those Democrats who aren't going to the Democratic Convention because being seen with Barack Obama is so horrifyingly toxic (tell me again how Obama is going to win reelection), but nothing from Romney about Obama invoking executive privilege on the Fast and Furious scandal? Not even a non-comment like, "I find these charges very troubling" or "Congress has a duty to blah blah blah" or something?

Best Analogy For The Obama Administration Award

Barack Obama! His campaign is spending more than it takes in.

Best Impending Doom Threatening To Destroy The World Award

No, it's not SMOD 2012 or the Mayan apocalypse. It's the U.S. economy! Woo!! (And no, Europe or China are not bringing us down. We're falling under our own weight. If Europe was "doing fine" we would still be in deep squid.)

All winners will be awarded with a notification that the author of The Javelina Bomb had the fish and chips at Pete's Fish And Chips in Phoenix, Arizona. Maybe. Unless I get busy with something.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

End Of The White Line For The Snow Queen

That's right another prediction while I'm at it. I know it's been said before and before, but if Obama loses the election and the House stays Republican, then Nancy Pelosi is going to retire. Maybe not even waiting until her term is up.

The Vote That Dare Not Speak Its Name

Get it? Cuz Obama just endorsed... oh, nevermind. Anyway, this one's for Innominatus who mentioned if Arizona really could vote for Obama.
Keep in mind this is for Gabby Gifford's district which is more liberal than most of Arizona. If you can't mention Obama's name there it's probably a bad sign if you're Obama or a Democratic candidate.

Even More Presidential Electionish Stuff

Karl Rove's article via Ace reminded me that I forgot to add a "states to watch" section to this post.

The first state to watch is one that Rove brings up, Massachusetts. I'm curious to see how well Romney does in Massachusetts partly because they elected Scott Brown to "Ted Kennedy's seat" and also that Scott Brown is running against a former Obama staffer. Second, I know Massachusetts is bluer than blue, but Presidents usually win their former states, and losing presidential candidates often lose their former states. Heck, if Al Gore had only won Tennessee we wouldn't even know what a hanging chad is.

Colorado. It used to be a reliably conservative state and then it goes hard for Obama because he held his greek-columnated super festival there? Were they just swept up in Hope and Change or has another Mind Your Own Business state been turned to the dark blue side like New Mexico?

Wisconsin. Unions wasting taxpayer money on a recall of a governor who sure seems to have been right in his policies would appear to be the motivating factor for a Romney win here. This state seems conspicuous because a lot of things are lining up for the Republicans. You would think Democrats would be ashamed to show their face at the polls after their own politicians ran away from home rather than lose a vote which they lost anyway, but then again Nancy Pelosi is still the Dem House leader so whatever.

Nevada. As Rove points out, I'm curious to see if Obama's War on Las Vegas affects the vote here.

California. No, I don't think Obama loses here but a few things. California voted for the gay marriage ban so I'm curious how that plays with Obama's "coming out" recently. I also have this weird notion that Californians are the most superficial of voters (How else do you explain The Guvernator, Arnold Schwarzenegger?) A movie star-ish looking candidate like Romney would seem to be a good fit here. Another factor could be California's historically bad voter turnout. If Obama voters don't feel like turning out, how close could this be?

New Jersey. Two words. Chris Christie.

Pennsylvania. I'd rather watch Minnesota (Obama only got 54% here in the year of Hope and Change?) but Pennsylvania is the Republicans' Great White Whale. Always knowing they could be so close to turning it but still....

The Post Wherein I Disagree With Charles Krauthammer

Charles Krauthammer seems to think that the reason Obama can't dump Biden as vice president is because of his narcissism.

“Obama, I think, can never bring himself to do something very large, like this, which would show that he needs the Clintons, particularly Hillary, to win.” “I just think for Obama to show himself as being weak and needing this to win is more than he can ever muster,”

 I'm not arguing the narcissism and I also agree that Obama will not do anything very large (unless of course he has a way to blame others for its possible failure). But since when has Obama ever show any reticence to throw other people under the bus in pursuit of his re-coronation? And on top of that, I don't even think Obama wanted Joe Biden to be his vice president and he's shown more than once that he doesn't regard Biden particularly highly. I think the mistake Charles Krauthammer makes is in thinking that because he (Charles Krauthammer) considers the office of the vice president to be important, then Barack Obama also must think it is. But if Barack Obama's entire presidency is any indication, the only thing important to Obama is Obama and the furtherance of the cause of Obama. It's not a terribly kind reading, but it does seem to be an accurate one. Frankly, if you want to understand how Obama will act in the future, just think less of him.