News You Can Use

I don't have anything to say, but I might as well post something.

• Oh no! I've fallen and I can't ...get prosecuted if I run away really fast.
• WE'RE GONNA CRASH!! Oh wait, nevermind.
• How dare these companies stand in the way of total government control of the internet!
• Who needs jobs or sub $4 gas when we have Obama? But don't worry, China will happily take all that oil off our hands.
• And speaking of ruining things for other people, he's shutting down the happiest place on earth.
• Calling someone named Juan, Juan, is now racist.
• Why does New York have gun laws? Why, to protect the criminals, of course!
• George W. Bush doesn't inflame terrorists, Hollywood does.
• And speaking of ...your picture of the day (with Cardinals' kicker Jay Feely).