Friday, August 31, 2012

You Know How The Republicans Really Could Have Broken the Internet Last Night?

They could have made this happen.

On The Cause Of Migraines

The ancients used to think migraines were caused by the squirrel god Mike trying to get at the nutty goodness that is your brain by trying to split your head open. Today we realize that's just silliness. It's really caused by letting Mitt Romney get into your head. (picture via iOwnTheWorld.com)

I Read The News Today, Oh Boy...

  • Whoa
  • Our economy is doing so well that the Fed may need to prop it up.
  • The media reacts...predictably. (Although they do surprise me sometimes. In a bad way.)
  • Mind blown. Who said this? "To assume that the other side are just a bunch of ignoramuses who are supported by people who believe that Adam and Eve rode on dinosaurs 6,000 years ago is to completely misjudge the opposition.”
  • I've always had the idea that teen sex movies are popular in the movie industry because producers use them to cast and have sex with underage boys and girls whom they have total control over. I would assume this really screws up the kids involved in these sorts of things. Cause. Effect.

Have A Nice Week, Barry

First off, I liked Mitt Romney's speech. I don't know why but since he is a politician I just assumed he would give an adequate speech. It was a little better than good, actually quite presidential. I know the media is going to go off on the suddenly senile Clint Eastwood but I liked his speech. He came off more folksy which the media would have loved if he was supporting Obama but now he's too old and he's also senile. Just like Bill Clinton was a few weeks ago. But not next week. I will say non-politicos I know also liked Clint Eastwood's speech, especially the lines about crying over the number of unemployed and letting someone go if he's not doing a good job, so I don't know how to gauge the media hysterics. For me, the highlight of the night was Marco Rubio's speech. Very good (and dare I say presidential) and probably my favorite speech out of the entire convention.

Which leads us to what Obama is going to do next week. He has nothing to run on and he basically is nothing in terms of character so it's been decided that next week will be some sort of Lillith Fair. He's apparently going to cut bait on every voting group except for (single) women with maybe some pandering to Hispanics. After the generally high quality Republican convention, replete with women and ...gasp...minorities and especially after Clint Eastwood, I have a hard time believing that the Dems aren't going to make some changes to their convention. If you look through the list of speakers, it just looks...small. It's narrowly focused on a few issues and I just don't see how that's going to inspire Democrats, let alone swing voters. So let's see if George Clooney changes his schedule next week so Obama can attract more wome...oh wait.

And maybe Obama would have preferred a different week to have the election. Not only will Romney finally be able to spend the money he's been stockpiling for months with ads that will run over the convention, but a few other things are happening.

According to zerohedge the US debt officially tops $16 trillion dollars next week. That's trillion, with a T. How would you like to have that message running around swing states while you're talking about how birth control should be free?

Oh, and did someone say skyrocketing gas prices on Labor Day? Yes, I believe they did. I'm just going to say it. That seems unhelpful to someone trying to avoid "the economy".

Want more? Ok. Umm, say, don't unemployment numbers come out on Friday, immediately after whatever not-the-economy messaging the President is trying to hammer home during the convention? And does anyone expect those numbers to be appreciably better than last month? Probably not. So whilst Barack Hussein Obama's eyes might be pleading yes, the election gods might be saying hell no.

p.s. And I almost forgot, football starts next Wednesday. Which means that Obama and the DNC basically have two nights instead of three in which to present their super-awesome vision of a second term filled with free birth control. [slowly claps] Well played, Obama. Well played.

Monday, August 27, 2012

Parody Proof

Chris Matthews has a somewhat emotional response to Republicans running a less dirty campaign than Obama. Because, as we all know, that's the job of real journalists; arguing to the point of tears that the other side is really, really mean to your adorable puppy of a president right after that same president had accused Romney of being a felon and a murderer. It also reminded me of something from last week.

Here's the setup - Bill Clinton is good at politics.

Now fill in the statement - "If I were Obama I would...."
  • Hire Bill Clinton to be my campaign manager.
  • Replace Biden with Hillary so Bill Clinton can be a more visible part of my campaign.
  • Figure out a way for Bill Clinton to take my spot in the debates.
  • Marry Bill Clinton.
If you answered that last one then you understand Chris Matthews. Or you are him. Because that's what he said. And that's not creepy at all.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Things I Suddenly Realized All Of A Sudden

  • I can't help thinking that Empire Strikes Back would have been a better movie if it had more lasers in it.
  • It must be very confusing for Swiss people when other people talk about Swiss bank accounts like they're a bad thing.
  • Never draft a quarterback out of USC
  • There are no more supermodels
  • Superman is an alien.
  • It ain't the 21st century until I can come home in my hover car to a dinner cooked with lasers.
  • And speaking of lasers, why aren't we doing everything with lasers? Why do I have to rely on my chainsaw for everything?
  • Bald people are just nudists who know when to stop.
  • Until we let Obama be clear his context is going to continue to be taken out of

It's A That Seems Like Lies To Me Music Friday


I'm Back


And for those asking, no, you can't avoid the news unless you go all Unibomber and hide in the woods. I couldn't even watch the friggin Olympics without seeing Obama and that forest beast he's married to. And did I see Moochelle telling a tiny little gymnast she shouldn't be eating at McDonald's? Because America has an obesity problem. And McDonald's causes obesity. And fatass whore wives of presidents telling skinny little teenaged girls that they are fat is perfectly fine because teenaged girls don't have eating disorders or bulimia anymore.  Lovely. And now I'm back. Joy.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The Light Bringer Pandereth

*Since I'm going incommunicato news-wise this month I thought I might not be back in proper mocking shape in time for the DNC nomination rally since it's going to be the first week of September. So I got in my time machine and decided to report on the goings on ahead of time, saving everyone time and effort.

The tension in the stadium hall was palpable. Everyone had seen the polls and they were much more racist than anyone could have imagined. The hundreds of faces in the crowd looked so worried, as if something CNN wasn't reporting could happen. Maureen Dowd of the venerable and trustworthy New York Times looked gaunt, pale and mumbled incoherently, quite unlike her. Froma Harrop just wandered around making superficial, uninformed comments to anyone who would listen. Even real conservatives were down, vainly trying to understand how conservatism had failed this president. David Brooks kept his eyes transfixed at pant leg level, hoping to read something, anything, like an Ancient Greek augur before a plate of sheep entrails.

Chris Matthews, of course, was inconsolable.

This sad sack group of fanatics and supporters was going to need something quick, something transcendent, or else whoever was left would be reporting something bigger than Jonestown.

The buzz started in the far corner of the hall. He was coming. The press had become so attuned to his wants and needs that they could feel him making his way to the stage. But something had changed. They could all sense it. The magic was back. This was going to be big. Important. Groundbreaking. Unprecedented.

At the first sight of him, the WaPo staff blacked out. He was so... confident. So focused like a laser. He reached the podium and pivoted so hard you knew this election was already over. Mitt Who? was already the headline across Journo-list II. Obama stared intently across the audience, as if he was going to correct Hillary Clinton for the umpteenth time. Then the words came,

"My balls, people. Seriously, my balls."

He strode off stage, knowing that his presidential work had been done handed off and he could now head to another fundraiser, the third this evening.

For a moment, the silence encompassed everything like an empty echo chamber. You could have heard an Newsweek Utne Reader drop from across the room. Suddenly, recovering from a half faint at the president's profound and explicit roadmap to improve the economy and foreign policy, Robert Redford stepped atop his burgundy velvet divan and began to clap. Then the roar began. It was deafening. The applause. The screams. The very ground upon which he had stood shook. They had patiently waited hours to hear how the election would be won and now they had. It was glorious. Oh, there would be naysayers in the conservative blogosphere and FauxNews, but nothing could be done about them. They only hear what they want to hear.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

A Recipe For Bo

*I wrote this a long time ago for a different blog I had that never really did anything. It was based on some creepy manlove comment that Chris Matthew (a real person) of MSNBC (not a real network) had made about something or other. Here it is, rewritten for Bo. It still creeps me out that I wrote this. All apologies.

We've seen the way he's been looking at you, Bo. The staring. The salivating. The seasoning he keeps in his vest pocket. You know it's only a matter of time. But instead of running for your life, have you ever considered turning the tables?

A Recipe For Bo (But Not For Bo)

Preheat that oven to 500°F cause Barry likes it hot. Rinse Obama, then dry him sensuously, inside and out. Seriously, every nook and cranny of that sexy body. You don't want Obama all steamy, at least not yet.

Salt and pepper his 'cavity', then tie up that Obama. You want his wings and legs to stay close to his sexy body to keep it from drying out. So he'll be nice and moist, just like his foreign policy.

Now, you need to salt Obama. I like to rain salt over Obama, just like David Axelrod used to do in the oval office anteroom, so there's a nice coating for crispy skin.

Place Obama in a pan and put him in the oven. Leave him alone. Don't baste him no matter how much you yearn to. Roast him until he's done, for about the average length of one of his speeches, 50 to 60 minutes. Remove Barry from the oven and baste him good. Baste him the same same way he bastes our ears with his sweet sweet words, as if you were pandering to a room full of voters. Then let him rest for 15 minutes on a cutting board, cause pandering... er... basting makes Barry very tired.

Remove the string. Remove the legs and those sexy thighs. The preparation is not meant to be super-elegant because Obama is a man of the people. Slather Obama with fresh butter. Remember, more butter equals more better Bama. You'll start by using a knife and fork, but you'll end up finishing him with your bitter clingy fingers because he's just that good.

Hey, Anyone Still Want To Tell Me That Obama Is A Smart Politician?

I offer now as the time to bring that up. That's right, Obama has decided to give Bill Clinton a "major role at Democratic National Convention". I especially like this quote,

"Obama personally asked Clinton to speak at the convention and place Obama's name in nomination, and Clinton enthusiastically accepted, officials said. Clinton speaks regularly to Obama and to campaign officials about strategy."

Oh, is that right? Gee, I guess we're all just great friends now. That's weird because just a few weeks ago Bill Clinton was thrown under the bus for...um...facts inconvenient to the recoronation to the Light-Bringer. Some of these facts were undermining Obama's claims that the economy is fine and that Mitt Romney is a criminal. So yeah, implying that Bill Clinton is too senile to listen to was probably smart politics. Clearly, the Clintons and Obamas haven't been all that cordial to each other since the presidential campaign where Obama and his surrogates weren't terribly kind to Hill-dawg. And while someone in the Obama administration was aware enough of the Clintons' popularity with Democrats to give Hillary the Secretary of State job, there's certainly enough of a chill on the relationship that some people don't even think Bill Clinton will vote for Obama in November. So either this sounds like good politics to Obama (that would be a negatory)...or a sign that Obama is losing his freakin' mind at internal polls that he might actually lose this election. Hmmm...

p.s. Do you really want to blow your freakin' mind? Imagine that Obama's polling is so bad, so horrific, that the reason he's enlisting someone he obviously doesn't care for is because he's going to let him name his new vice president. Take a guess who that might be.

How To Deal With Mergers

Someone Has To Take The Fall

*probably didn't post this because it's a little dark, but that doesn't make it any less true for Mister Everyone But Me Is Expendable.

Run, Bo! Run!

What Really Goes On During Budget Meetings

*I couldn't remember if I had posted this somewhere, but it was still in my bin, so here it is.

I'm Taking A Break From The News For A Month

In an effort to lower the ol' blood pressure, keep the liver from cirrhosising and keep my pancreas pancreating (well at least one of them), I'm going to make an effort to avoid the news for the month of August (starting tomorrow). Cold turkey. That means no 24 hour news, no stockmarket, no blogs, and no carrier pigeons, even though that is my preferred method of getting the news since it includes a free meal. I'm also dumping anything I didn't finish on this blog in an act of motivation or nihilism, I forget which is which, so everything that was never posted is going away.

What am I going to do instead? I don't know. Fix the car? Plant a garden? I've always wanted to learn to read music, so I may try that. Like most people I have a lot of things that need to be done but I'll probably just end up watching my DVDs of Gilligan's Island and Hawaii Five-O instead. Plus there's that bath salts craze I've been hearing about...