Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Tips For A Southbound IowaHawk

Apparently, a certain blogger needed to leave his state in a hurry and move somewhere with access to both the border and the open ocean. Hey, who am I to judge? If they ever look into my crawlspace I may have to... uh... never mind. Anyway, now that this fugitive from the corn is heading to a southern state, specifically Texas, there may be a few things he needs to know...
  • Your odds of getting Ebola just went up.
  • Your odds of getting hit by a tornado, hurricane and a Cadillac with a set of horns on the hood also just went up.
  • Your odds of thinking, "Hey, it's so nice out tonight I think I'll sleep outside like they did in the olden days", and then waking up with a rattlesnake curled up in your crotch just went up too.
  • We don't have seasons down here. They kept getting in the way of our barbequeing.
  • Texas leads the nation in executions so whatever you did in Iowa you best not do that down here.
  • Secession isn't a last resort down here, it's a default position.
  • Yes, there really are armadillos in Amarillo.
  • You're in Texas now, things no longer get better if you keep moving south. They actually get much, much worse.
  • Hey carpetbagger, prepare to hear the word, "carpetbagger".
  • You're now a little higher up on the food chain. The corn grown in Iowa is used for Texas cattle feed. (probably, I don't really know)
  • Oh, and speaking of which, you have a new life's goal.

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